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I am pleased to report that, through the application of stimuli to the genital region, localized sensations of pleasure leading to general feelings of well-being are, as predicted, the common result. Moreover, these responses increase by an as yet unknown algorithm with the continued application of the stimuli. After a period of time particular to each subject, a maximum threshhold is attained, and a point of biological crisis achieved. An attendant, urethral release of fluid can be expected from an overwhelming majority of males and an undetermined percentage of females (see Figure 1, enclosed).

Some corollaries:

  1. In most cases, the speed with which biological crisis presents is directly proportional to the variety of stimuli available. For example males with free access to multiple berths (what your lordship pleases to call pee-pussy, moistmouth and fun-rump) achieve crisis with almost 40% more alacrity than those with more limited options.

  2. As you suspected, sir, it is possible to achieve crisis through autostimulation of the attendant regions, coupled with thought-dreams focusing on the application of instigating stimuli.

  3. Finally, while the behaviors described herein are in and of themselves innoccuous, there appears to be a tendency to attach to them meaning and substance of a kind far beyond their capacity to support. Naturally, such a tendency may result in lifelong attachments, which, resting as they do on such a dubious foundation, prove to most participants to be of a wholly unsatisfying nature. You can appreciate the destabilizing influence such attachments would present to our way of life were they to become institutionalized.
These are my initial findings. I appreciate that they will raise more questions than they answer, which is why we must redouble our efforts in this inquiry. (I trust it goes without saying that such continuance will require the renewal of your generous funding!) Please include whatever portion of my report you determine significant in your presentation to the board of directors.

I remain, as ever, your humble servant,

Commodore Edwin-George Puckernut

Date Written: July 22, 2004
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.375

07/26/2004 Ewan Snow: Okay, so where's Figure 1?
07/26/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): The absent star is for all the shit I didn't understand.
07/26/2004 TheBuyer (4): Rock on, Commodore Puckernut! Not a bad screen name actually.
07/26/2004 Jon Matza (4): The scientist appears to be an amateur if not an out-and-out fraud. Where are the hypothesis, list of materials & procedure? Why no mention of Bunsen burners, pipettes, graduated cylinders or menisci? The recipient had better be very careful with what he presents to the board.
07/26/2004 scoop: Matza, he's a social scientist, dude. His bunsen burners are the quivering minds of the people, his pipettes are the cities and towns where they scarmable after their small-minded intersts, his graduated cylinders are the horny journals and logs where he records his keen observations.
07/26/2004 scoop: As for the vote: I need to let this particular teabag of a short steep in the waters of my imagination. I am smitten with corollary #3 and pee-pussy, moistmouth and fun-rump are just to die for. I will be back.
07/27/2004 scoop (5): "I like how what he is saying is so obvious."
07/27/2004 Mr. Pony (4):
07/27/2004 John Slocum (4): Not bad for a lay-person.
07/27/2004 Ewan Snow: I'm very disappointed in you for this one, OSS. Very disappointed!
07/27/2004 qualcomm: why?
07/27/2004 Jon Matza: Hey Scoop, what are those quotes for? Nn?
07/27/2004 anonymous: Not super
07/27/2004 anonymous: OSS is such a fucking coward. And his shorts suck!
07/27/2004 anonymous: Anon_a, don't you hate OSS? I sure do.
07/27/2004 anonymous: i think he's dreamy.
07/27/2004 anonymous: more like nightmarish!!!
07/27/2004 anonymous: Hey anon_user_c -- You are the Biggest Coward of All!!!
07/27/2004 anonymous: anon_c is shown as "From Author" on the User Feedback page, so don't be tricked! It's really OSS!
07/27/2004 John SIocum Imposter: It is often said of cabernet francs that their savor fans the embers of love, quenches the fires of rage.
07/27/2004 anonymous: Yes, he's a real coward with all those fake names.
07/29/2004 Phony Millions (5): Brilliant, although what I've always suspected - Ol' Summer Sausage's grudge against the very possibility of happy monogamy - is rendered transparent as a result of this offering.
07/18/2005 Kenji X (5): This short is the result of many, many long nights of research.