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I got a new doctor, a lady doctor, and even though she wasn’t all that hot, she really turned me on. So I started faking colorectal stuff, like cancer for instance.

“I think I have cancer in my colorectal,” I said

“Have you been having diarrhea or constipation?” she said. That was a total turn off!

“No! Just check it out, will you?” I dropped my shorts and spread my ass in her face.

She pretended like she wasn’t turned on and put on a glove like it was all just a job. At first, I was annoyed about the glove, but I figured we didn’t know each other that well, so whatever. She started working he finger in and I immediately chubbed up to a semi-stiff.

“That’s good. Right there!”

“Is that sensitive?”

“Oh, man.”

“I don’t feel anything out of the ordinary.”

“I do!”

She pulled her finger out and gave me a nasty look. But I just kept it spread, hoping she’d dive back in.

“You can get dressed now,” she said.

“I’d rather not, if it’s all the same to you.”

“No, it’s not the same. It’s quite different.”

“Different better, though, right?”

She picked up the phone. “Security to exam 3, stat!”

Some big hairy security goon skipped in before I had a chance to pull up my shorts.

“Ooooooh?” giggled the big hairy security goon as he unbuckled his belt.

Anyway, I’ve got colorectal problems for real now, which is convenient.

Date Written: July 26, 2004
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 4.75

07/30/2004 qualcomm (4): i was all set to five this until the end. you bastard. oh man, you really made my day though. i think i'll print this and tack it to my cubicle. thanks!
07/30/2004 scoop (4): Not unlike the protagonist of this tale I chubbed up to semi-stiff. But unfortunately I missed a full blown hard on with those last two goober lines. Otherwise, Well-Done!
07/30/2004 Dylan Danko (5): Fuck it, I'm gonna five this.
07/30/2004 TheBuyer (5): “No! Just check it out, will you?”
07/30/2004 Litcube (5): Hah!
07/30/2004 Will Disney (5): this reminds me of that anecdote I told you about my testicular exam!
07/30/2004 John Slocum (5): I like this one, and I like the last 2 lines. “Is that sensitive?” “Oh, man.” Oh man is right.
07/30/2004 Mr. Pony (5): That security guard should be fired for being so unbelievable!
07/30/2004 qualcomm: by the way, author, do you really expect me to believe that the doctor managed to pretend like she wasn't turned on in the face of your monkey button? i call bullshit.
07/30/2004 anonymous: Hey, did you bring Dylan Danko in to write the last three lines? What does he charge?
07/30/2004 Dylan Danko: anon a, please refrain from exploiting my past suffering.
07/30/2004 anonymous: Is this the kind of thing that got you fired from the hospital or something, Dylan Danko?
07/30/2004 Jon Matza (5): I didn't hate the ending but agree it wasn't as 'lude as the rest. 4.5.
07/31/2004 scoop: I'm proud, real proud, to have this page represent the acme community for the weekend. Two solid shorts, a good selection from the vault. It exhibits Acme's range, depth and commitment to make fun of disease that makes this such a swell place.
07/31/2004 Benny Maniacs (5):
11/19/2004 The Rid (4):
02/1/2005 Cyrus (5): could have done without the last line.