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I stumbled on an epiphany the other day, when I was thinking about that fact that babies are for sex. I realized that when most adults look at babies, they don't necessarily think about them sexually. But really, babies are there to have sex. At some point or another, they're going to bone. That's the whole idea, I thought. Re, Per & Duction. But if some macho blue-collar guy was changing his daughter's diapers, and you were staring at her genitals, saying that, he'd probably punch you. That happened to me once. But moving on:

I remember once getting a talk from my best friend's father, a doctor. Now there was an intelligent man. Me and my best friend, Adrian, were twelve, and Dr. Caruso was telling us that someday soon we'd both be having sex, and we'd have to protect ourselves against things like AIDS. I thought at first he was talking about us being homos. But then I realized: The genius of that man. The genius of all doctors, to see us as we are, with no emotional clutter: sexual objects. Your kids will be sexual objects too. You're better off dealing with it now.

I also remember Dr. Caruso's wife, saying good night to us. I was seventeen or so then, and she was making a big deal out of doting on Adrian and elongating it. She was a hot Argentine with a face lift. I told her to shut up and go to bed, because I was jealous, I suppose. I was fucked up back then, and I did stuff like that. She gave me this little amused look, and went wordlessly down the hall to her bedroom. Later that night, in that room, I would prove her husband's prediction correct, as I grabbed her hair like the handlebars of a Harley, riding her into the night. I didn't wear protection though, as she didn't make me, and I knew she was puro, anyway.

I ended up getting her pregnant. It was a big mess, as she was devoutly Catholic. But in that conceptional instant, my function was served.

Date Written: July 30, 2004
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 4

08/4/2004 Mr. Pony (5):
08/4/2004 qualcomm (4):
08/4/2004 TheBuyer (4): Certainly walks the fine line. I honestly hope a parent wrote this.
08/4/2004 anonymous: Parents can be pederasts too.
08/4/2004 Will Disney (4): 4 for MILF action
08/4/2004 Jon Matza (4): I like the way he impregnates her with his cock.
08/4/2004 qualcomm: anon_a, no wonder you chose anonymity when you posted that unspeakably inflammatory comment. if i ever find out who you are, i'm going to kill you for saying that. we at acme razz each other a little, sometimes pretty harshly, but we know where the line is, and you just crossed it, mister.
08/4/2004 anonymous: OSS, this is your father. I'm sorry for all the 'games' I made you play. But most of all I'm sorry for turning you gay.
08/4/2004 TheBuyer: Yeah! What the man said, anon. You took my heartfelt comment and turned it into something slimy, which normally is a good thing, but not this time - not even a little, you wad.
08/4/2004 anonymous: TheBuyer, please stop treading on my excellent rejoinders.
08/4/2004 TheBuyer: Ya, that was all timing, sorry anaon_a, didn't mean to poop on your cowardice! Also, I cheated this author out of a star; this short is as airtight as a perfect Lego cube.
08/4/2004 qualcomm: Your self-congratulation for any rejoinder you make, like a toddler proud of his own feces, pegs you as Danko, anon_a. I have news for you: your rejoinders are, for the most part, corked.
08/4/2004 Dylan Danko: Not it, Feldy. Regarding last night, as usual I enjoyed your unconscionable ability to manufacture lies in response to my utterly benign assertion that I thought the wine was corked. Sorry that offended you so much. If you stop crying I'll let you fuck me.
08/4/2004 TheBuyer: Wow, you guys are just like Hetfield and Ulrich. It's sweet.
08/4/2004 qualcomm: it didn't offend me, danko. i just think it's one of your many amusing characteristics.
08/4/2004 Dylan Danko: If you conintue to manufacture amusing characteristics for me, your penis will grow back. I assure you.
08/4/2004 qualcomm: also, i still think you are anon_a. if you're not, prove it by telling me the name of our favorite bartender from the roxy... under another anonymous name!
08/4/2004 anonymous: Oh man, I sure do miss Ridgley.
08/4/2004 qualcomm: Your self-congratulation for any rejoinder you make, like a toddler proud of his own feces, pegs you as Snack Bar/Stash, anon_a. I have news for you: your rejoinders are, for the most part, corked.
08/4/2004 Dylan Danko: Um..I'm sorry, OSS, I can't quite hear you. Is there some sort of act of contrition you would like to perform?
08/4/2004 anon_user_a: Yeah, OSS. You really blew that one!
08/4/2004 anon_user_a: Now who's the toddler proud of his own feces?
08/4/2004 anon_user_a: You suck! Ha ha ha ha ha!
08/4/2004 qualcomm: not really, danko. still not convinced you're not anon_a, based on your cowardly record. although a snack bar/stash comeback seems more likely at this point. also, who cares?
08/4/2004 anon_user_a: I'll kill you and eat you!
08/4/2004 The Finch: The second anon_user_a is fake.
The Finch
08/4/2004 Dylan Danko: But I did everything you asked of me. Is it your lack of socialization that prevents you from admiting you're wrong?
08/4/2004 qualcomm: before i apologize to you, danko, i would have to get disney's word as a gentleman that anon_b wasn't generated from a guest account.
08/4/2004 anon_user_b: Nope. That wasn't even Danko!
08/4/2004 qualcomm: or, i'll apologize if you admit that you have a tendency to suspect wines of being corked.
08/4/2004 qualcomm: anon_b, do you mean anon_b isn't danko?
08/4/2004 anon_user_b: No, of course I'm Danko. How else would I know about ol' Ridgley? I mean that Danko isn't Danko!
08/4/2004 qualcomm: f u for making me go to ici, danko. that hanger steak was crap. how dare you?
08/4/2004 anonymous: I have tried to stay out of this argument, but I feel compelled to speak up on the subject of Danko's paranoia regarding corked wine. As much as I hate to agree with the retarded maniac OSS, Danko always claims wines are corked.
08/4/2004 anon_user_b: Some of my favorite wines are corked!
08/4/2004 Dylan Danko: I have not posted since 2:48:27
08/4/2004 Dylan Danko: I was the original anon b. As for your assertion, OSS. Why would I admit to something that is false. Please provide examples from real life not the one from that Star Trek episode.
08/4/2004 Dylan Danko: Ok I'll admit to having a tendency (uncanny ability) to detect corked wines if you apologize for thinking that I was anon_a.
08/4/2004 Mr. Pony: I can't believe you guys ordered the hanger steak. Pfff!
08/4/2004 qualcomm: i don't like to order fish. i feel i'm not getting my money's worth unless i'm so full i'm ready to vomit.
08/4/2004 Mr. Pony: Man, I still feel like I could have ordered three of those motherfucking bluefish and frisée salads. And I'm a disciple of Variety! (Danko, was that a stardate?)
08/4/2004 Dylan Danko: Tick fucking tock.
08/4/2004 Dylan Danko: Stardate with Toffee.
08/4/2004 John Slocum: How dare you all talke about wine stuff in my absence. No one here but me knows how to detect corked wines.
08/4/2004 John Slocum (3): didn't care for this so much
08/4/2004 qualcomm: slocum. i want you to weigh in honestly. you won't hurt dylan's feelings.
08/4/2004 Dylan Danko: Yes, Slocum please weigh in.
08/4/2004 anonymous: You fat bastard.
08/4/2004 qualcomm: whoa, slocum, a little hostile! i said you wouldn't hurt dylan's feelings with the understanding that you weren't going to out and out insult him.
08/4/2004 Dylan Danko: Where's my apology, OSS. Show me what a man you are.
08/4/2004 qualcomm: well, danko, if you hadn't successfully lobbied for my admin power removal, i could check and see if you were anon_a, and if you weren't, give you an apology. but now that i don't have the ability to de-anonymousize anon users (because, according to disney, it's vital for acme's integrity that we don't reveal anonymous names, but not as vital that he doesn't lend you the use of my user name simply because you asked for it), i'll never know. even your anon_b comment proves nothing, since you could have left that anon comment with a guest user name. so no apology. congratulations. asshole.
08/4/2004 Jon Matza: Upon further reflection...the odd thing about this short is that despite the setup no actual pedophilia goes on. I'm not saying I'm disappointed, much, but I think the courage of the author's sociopathic convictions may have failed him.
08/4/2004 TheBuyer: Jon Matza: I don't think the narrator is supposed to be a pederast, he's just saying the last thing most parents want to hear about their tiny child: "I know what genitals are for and one day he will too." I didn't get that the narrator wants to fuck children, more that he thinks children should want to fuck each other at an early age...as I'm writing this, I'm starting to think you're right, whoever wrote this is a sociopath, a real one.
08/7/2004 scoop (4): Excellent impregnation comment, Matza. I think flirts with fiveness but lacks detail work and a grando puncho ending. Still its good to see Maniacs riding his chops like the handlebars of a Harley.