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Re: Reference for Patric Urstadt

Dear Sir or Madam,

In regards to your request dated 15-June-04, I have indeed been permissed by Patric to speak as a reference of his character for the purposes of his potential employment.

Patric was terminated for eating at his desk. We have a fully equiped break-room and do not allow food at work-stations, a rule which had been made clear to him.

He does have redeeming qualities; he is punctual, and an earnest and hard worker with only a limited propensity towards procrastination and sloth. He very likely will not steal anything.

Best regards,

John Youf
President and CEO, Kilo-Pascal-Pressure Inc.

PS - Off the record now- During the time Patric Urstadt was employed at Kilo-Pascal-Pressure Inc. there were no less than seven reported incedents of human excrement found in various places around the office i.e in a desk drawer, on chair, smeared on a window, etc. and at least once, excrement was thrown at a door during business hours and splattered on several people. Though it was never proved, we are fairly certain the excrement was used in this fashion by Patric.
Also, when I mentioned he was eating at his desk, that is all I'm officially allowed to say as per our lawyer. Still off the record, he used to catch a seagull near the dumpster out back every day at lunch. We were not allowed to terminate him for that directly, but he would eat it with his hands at his desk, which is blessedly against the rules and gave me the chance to legally turf that crap-flinging little shit-hawk eater - but you ain't heard that from me, dig?

Date Written: August 01, 2004
Author: TheBuyer
Average Vote: 4.1667

08/6/2004 Will Disney (4): okay!
08/6/2004 Will Disney: i dig
08/6/2004 anonymous: this sucks 2 stars
08/6/2004 anonymous: Dude, you can't anon_vote, if you want to deuce me, have your mommy set you up with a user name and password then you can give me two stars. K, sweetie?
08/6/2004 Mr. Pony (4): That seagull thing!
08/6/2004 Noah Simple (4): This is no deuce. It's quite good. In fact, I wouldn't mind seeing the response letter. Or learn more about this eccentric Patric.
08/6/2004 Mr. Pony: Noah!
08/7/2004 John Slocum (4): I'm in.
08/7/2004 TheBuyer: Thanks acmeauthors and guest of the past! I was starting to get that not-so-fresh feeling from that dirty 2 douche.
08/9/2004 scoop (5): I think TheBuyer, you buried your lede. That's a little shop talk for mussing up you funniest bits with unfunny clutter. I almost think this thing would have been funnier without the conveniton of the reference letter. I would have loved to have seen a dispassionte narrative of this seagull eating guy at work. Having said that, I reward you an extra star for calling out messrs. Danko and Maniacs.
08/12/2004 Dick Vomit (4): Ah, fucking hooray already. This is goodness. 4.5