home authors guest shorts graphical shorts
AcmeShorts
“I’ve never like your austere Loire Valley Chenin Blancs, and you can take your hands off my tits. In fact, it’s over between us…we’re through.”
“But sweetie, what about… what about all the wonderful memories we have, we’ve created so many memories, all the dinners we've had and always a delicious, crisp, high acid Savennieres, or a snappy Vouvray, with their hints of honey and lanolin. And, Anne, you know those wines are always underpinned by a firm, unshakable minerality taken directly from the limestone and tufa soils by the deep Chenin Blanc roots and raised lovingly by the vigneron into a perfectly balanced wine. I – no, WE - we, darling, love the balance of Loire Valley Chenin Blanc.”
“Ayn, I’ve told you many times, but you fail to listen: I want more forward, ripe fruit in my white wine, not wool. I want guava and pineapple. You have been deaf to my wine needs. You wanna know something? I fucked another sommelier, a sommelier who served me a napa chard: 100% malolactic, 100% new oak, entirely cultured yeasts, chaptalized to 15.6% alcohol; creamy and buttery, chock full of gobs of loads of heaps of massive huge explosive tropical fruit exploding on the palate with layers of toasty vanilla-coconut oak: not a mineral in sight. I was so turned on I sucked his cock till it started bleeding. It was fantastic to have a flabby, low acid wine FINALLY! But the best part was his hot cum tasted like ripe, forward fruit. HIS CUM TASTED LIKE RIPE FORWARD FRUIT. I’m sorry Ayn, it’s over, I’m moving in with Andy and his fruity cum.”
Date Written: August 10, 2004
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 4.8462
Comments:
08/13/2004 qualcomm (5): oh boy
08/13/2004 Litcube (4): Charming. Second to last sentence especially so.
08/13/2004 TheBuyer (5): got me with the opening line long before it was visible
08/13/2004 Mr. Joshua (5):
08/13/2004 Dylan Danko (5): Forward Fruit.
08/13/2004 Dylan Danko: The band known as Hurry is changing its name to Forward Fruit.
08/13/2004 qualcomm: yeah, that's not too much gayer than pussywillow
08/13/2004 John Slocum: how about "Forward Fruit Reach Around Hot Male on Male Action"?
08/13/2004 qualcomm: not very strong
08/13/2004 Dylan Danko: My bad. I didn't realize how gay it was. Totally fucking GAY! We can't have a GAY name. No, siree. Way to fucking GAY. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
08/13/2004 Dylan Danko: Out name will be Forward Fruit and out first album will be called "Once More Unto The Peach, Dear Friends!" HAR!!! Oh man, I have to blow my nose.
08/13/2004 Dylan Danko: our
08/13/2004 John Slocum: too
08/13/2004 Dylan Danko: Yeah yeah.
08/13/2004 Dylan Danko: wait, what?
08/13/2004 John Slocum: you wrote a 'to' when it should have been 'too'.
08/13/2004 Mr. Pony: Also, did you really mean "Unto" and not "Into", Typo Danko?
08/13/2004 Mr. Pony: I think this should be made into the Latest Controversy.
08/13/2004 John Slocum: Dylan, the Brookline Monolith puts great stock in correct spelling. Please don't embarrass us. Matza told me he was totally freaked out.
08/13/2004 Dylan Danko: "Way to fucking gay" as in "Way to fucking gay out" or "Way to be gay, Sport" Etc. ...not really.
08/13/2004 Dylan Danko: Not according to Bartelby's, little Pony. Homo.
08/13/2004 Mr. Pony: What the hell would Bartelby's know about the Latest Controversy, you babbling idiot?
08/13/2004 qualcomm: or about the kind of 100% maleolithic forward fruitaceous napa chards geatured in this short? that's right: geatured.
08/13/2004 Jon Matza: I am disappointed in not one, but all of you.
08/13/2004 Dylan Danko: Pony, please tell me you understood.
08/13/2004 scoop: 4.893 stars.
08/13/2004 Mr. Pony: Oh I understand, Dylan...I understand that you believe that somehow Bartleby's has some sort of way to predict what our Latest Controversy will be...This just proves how shithouse-rat crazy you are!!
08/13/2004 scoop: What in the F is Bartleby's? You guys aren't talking about the quote book are you?
08/13/2004 Dylan Danko: Unto into thing. But I don't really need to tell you that do I? Stop tickling me with your soft little equiseta, my darling.
08/13/2004 scoop (5): This fruit forward character with pure fruit aromas and flavors is the viticultural and shortmaking focus of these shorts. This fruit-forward character is the defining quality of shorts from the Columbia Valley in Washington State.
08/13/2004 Dylan Danko: That was for Pony but can also be applied to Scoop.
08/13/2004 scoop: I gave this a five despite a distinct paucity of fingering. So, yeah, your welcome.
08/13/2004 Mr. Pony: According to Bartleby's, it's "YOU'RE".
08/13/2004 scoop: Dude, anybody who knows me knows I'm all about the upper tracheophytes. So, you know, whatever.
08/13/2004 scoop: Wow this Bartelby's character sure has funny ideas about capitalization!
08/13/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Yeahp.
08/13/2004 Ewan Snow (4):
08/13/2004 qualcomm: disappointed, matza? you feel this short is overrated?
08/13/2004 Jon Matza (5): This thing has a sweet flow from one sentence to the next. Damn you, Slocum.
08/13/2004 Jon Matza: OSS: I meant disappointed in the discussion string. Plus, I didn't actually mean it.
08/13/2004 Ewan Snow: Cool short, sloc-guy. I totally get it. I get it! K?
08/13/2004 scoop: Ya!
08/13/2004 anonymous: I agree, Matzhole. It is overrated. But I don't give a flying forward fruit. That's right, OSS Minnow, alliteration. The tool of the great tools. And what's more, I think I'm gonna make this anonymouse. Heh, heh. How do you like them buttery little apples.
08/13/2004 qualcomm: oss minnow - that's the only good one yet
08/13/2004 Jon Matza: Oh no. There's a renegade on the loose who's violating every acme tenet. Someone stop him.
08/13/2004 Dylan Danko: I, for one, would like to hear Slocum's thoughts on the death of Julia Child.
08/13/2004 qualcomm: anon_user_a = ewan, the only person on this site who's aware of my intense dislike of alliteration.
08/13/2004 Dylan Danko: we're all aware of it. You go on so about it. By the way, what if we changed our name to 'I Am The Gay American' kinda like that band 'I Am The World Trade Center.'
08/13/2004 anonymous: thanks, snow-dawg. I know you get it. Although I'm not so sure I get it. I love loire chenin, but I don't think I made the loire chenin loving character look so good. He sounds like a delusional, snivelling idiot, and has bad taste in women. Thought about that this morning. Can anyone help me with what I meant here?
08/13/2004 anonymous: Oh, listen to him....I know that, too! I know that, too! Dainty Little Dillweed.
08/13/2004 anonymous: Yeah, author. That chick's a total stereotype. They always like those big flabby Chard's, don't they? Your latent misogynistic tendencies are shining through. In fact, I think this may trump the Women's Basketball short. Or should I say, "women's basketball."
08/13/2004 Mr. Pony: That's how Bartleby's has it listed.
08/13/2004 qualcomm: slocum: if you had emphasized the maleolithic nature of the Loire varietal, i think your finished product would have been closer to your aspiration.
08/13/2004 qualcomm: seriously, though the bitch in this short is right. sometimes you just was a big fruit forward american instead of some subtle iberian crap, just as sometimes you just want mcdonald's instead of union square cafe, and sometimes you just want to powerfuck a trashy lewinski instead of making love to lisa bonet circa angel heart
08/13/2004 qualcomm: *first "was" in comment below should be "want"
08/13/2004 Dylan Danko: You just was a big fruit forward american, OSS.
08/13/2004 anonymous: I'd rather drink beer than napa chard. I don't know if anyone cares.
08/13/2004 anonymous: Well, author, then maybe you'd be happier at McSweeny's.
08/13/2004 Ewan Snow: OSS, anon_a is not me. I assume it's buyer. Sloc, are you knocking beer?
08/13/2004 qualcomm: yeah, sloc, are you? because you know, some of the hoppier blends rival even merlot for color and fruit
08/13/2004 Ewan Snow: I knew you were gonna say something about hoppiness.
08/13/2004 anonymous: I knew someone was going to say that. One too many postings, right? Anyway, Oss, I bet Sloc isn't a big Merlot fan either, probably too accessible for him.
08/13/2004 John Slocum: I love beer, I wasn't slamming beer. True, don't go for merlot so often.
08/13/2004 qualcomm: mulp, i knew that you knew that. i also know what you're going to say next.
08/13/2004 anonymous: nope, TheBuyer here
08/13/2004 qualcomm: yes, but i was referencing your first wine short, in which you said that someone was adding merlot to his barolo in order to amplify color and fruit
08/13/2004 Ewan Snow: well then tell me so I can say it, bub.
08/13/2004 anonymous: No wait, I'M TheBuyer!
08/13/2004 John Slocum: Wrong, OSS: Cabernet Sauvignon was for color and fruit.
08/13/2004 Dylan Danko: Fuck you.
08/13/2004 qualcomm: oh
08/13/2004 anonymous: I'm not theBuyer. But I'm sad to no longer be mistaken for part of the WH unitard.
08/13/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5): This is funny, but not really up to your usual snuff, Slocer. I guess I didn't like the labored way that poor sommelier had to writhe around to get from "wonderful memories" to "high acid Savennieres." Maybe that was part of the point, but it seems like you wove that stuff in with a bit less seam in earlier shorts. 'So, why the five,' you ask? Well, I feel I low-balled your barolo short, so it's a bit of corrective voting on my part. I didn't have to do it, but I felt I owed it to you.
08/14/2004 John Slocum: Thank you for being conscientious, Jimmer. More people should be like you.
08/15/2004 Benny Maniacs (5): After seeing Slocum in action as a sommelier, I now understand why he likes tasting fruity cock cum.
08/15/2004 Will Disney (5):
08/16/2004 Dick Vomit (5): HA