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“I feel like a failure.”

“Don’t say that, darling. Just because you often fail doesn’t mean you’re a failure, any more than the fact that I generally succeed makes me a success.”

“You are so dense some times. Can’t you see that I need your support?”


“What do you mean no?”

“I’m blind to weakness. It’s my only weakness, or so I assume, not being able to observe it directly, but only inferring it by the gravitational field it casts over my observations of you. I assume it’s why I sometimes don’t understand you. You have so many weaknesses you’re almost emotionally invisible to me.”

“How can you be so cold when I’m falling to pieces?”

“That’s one of my strengths. I don’t let all of your failures get me down. For instance, your inability to reach orgasm, your tepid career, you saddle bags and your halitosis. A lesser man would get emotional about these things.”

“I have halitosis? I hate you.”

“It’s natural to resent those with better breath.”

“You ass!”

“There’s a term for the behavior you are exhibiting.”

“And I suppose you'll tell me what it is.”

“It’s called Death.”

In a flash of brilliant light, Lois realized then that the nightmare was over. She just had to let go and accept the fact that she was already dead. It was the act of fighting it, refusing to climb Jacob’s ladder that had caused the devils to tear her life away. But now she made her peace, and she realized the devils were really angels, freeing her from the earth.

Date Written: August 13, 2004
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 4

08/18/2004 Dylan Danko (4): Oh man, way to fuck up an excellent short with that last graf. I don't know what to do now. I was about to pull the trigger on the five but now I'm not even sure it's a four. Better give it a four because I think it might be OSS. I don't want him dissing Krugman no more.
08/18/2004 qualcomm (3): i liked the last graf best.
08/18/2004 The Finch: This is not Ol' Summer Sausage.
The Finch
08/18/2004 Ewan Snow (4): Danko, I think that's the joke. The movie Jacob's Ladder was ruined at the end by (what I recall and assume are) the exact same lines. I sort of agree with OSS on this, though there were some funny bits up front too...
08/18/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): I give three point five. I funny China man.
08/18/2004 TheBuyer (3):
08/18/2004 Dylan Danko: Really? I just remember McCaulay Culkin taking his hand in a burst of bright light and leading him up the stairs to heaven. Was there a voice over? At any rate, perhaps the author can tell us whether or not it was his/her intent to ruin the short with a Jacob's Ladder allusion?
08/18/2004 anonymous: Yes, this started off as just a dialog between some chick and her asshole man. Then I decided to give it the ending to Jacob's Ladder for no reason. It wasn't voice over. I changed it from "freeing you from the earth" to "freeing her from the earth". See the stupid quote here.
08/18/2004 Dylan Danko: I enjoyed the dialogue, author.
08/18/2004 anonymous: Thanks.
08/18/2004 Jon Matza: you stop makely fun, funny china man! many like you say no chop suey when wok full plenty!
08/19/2004 qualcomm: hey. snow tricked us!
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: Not me.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: you most of all
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: Nope. Snow gave himself away early on. FU.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: well, all's i see is you guessing that i wrote it in your very first comment. so, i'm sorry, but i'm going to have to assume that, given your record, you're lying.
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: I thought it 'might' be you until Ewan chimed in there, my little brite lite.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: lies act like steel wool on our lustre, danko.
08/19/2004 The Finch: While Ewan Snow's initial comment raised serious suspicion, Dylan Danko realized that this short had to be written by Ewan when the author responded the way he did to Dylan's question about the Jacob's Ladder allusion.
The Finch
08/19/2004 qualcomm: danko is the finch. i also had the suspicion that it was ewan after that comment, it's just that a deep, cooling aquifer of honor that runs through my thorax prevents me from making monday morning calls.
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: The Finch is partially right and OSS is, yet again, dead wrong but only one of them is a jew.

08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: We all know you have no honor. Also, I hate the way you do that thing with your thing. It drives me fucking crazy. You are such a fuckwad when you do that!
08/19/2004 qualcomm: and you always speak on behalf of others. "we all know", "everyone agrees", etc, etc. who made you spokesman? that makes me angrier than a paul bunyan hemorrhoid.
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: We all made me the spokesman. It was decided by everybody (except scoop) that you lacked honor. For example; you lied below and gutlessly accused me of lying. Which one is it? Did Ewan trick you or did you suspect it was him after his comment, Boy Wonder.?
08/19/2004 qualcomm: oh man, you totally caught me in a contradiction! there's no way i could have been both tricked by ewan's ruse, and also harbored a suspicion that he could have written this. that would require my having more than one thought... simultaneously!! any intelligent person following the comment thread would have suspected ewan after that explanation. but harboring a suspicion and coming out and endorsing said opinion are two different things. so what i'm saying is, you're too late. it's honorless to say, "i knew it all along" the next day.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: now admit your error so we can move on.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: admit it!
08/19/2004 Ewan Snow: Dudes, I didn't write this.
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: Yes, admit your error. You are right, you could not both be tricked by Ewan and suspect him of authorship. Stop being an idiot so Ewan can move on.
08/19/2004 Ewan Snow: I wish you guys would argue about the more important issue, which is the short itself. I personally thought this was a halfway decent dialog short and felt the idiotic inclusion of the idiotic Jacob's Ladder ending put it over the top. The idea that this woman's hell was just an obnoxious husband also seemed kind of funny. Now OSS, did you really like the last graf best, or were you saying that just to disagree with Danko? Did you get the reference? I assumed you would, but was concerned that nobody else would remember those particular stupid lines, which is why I mention Jacob's ladder in the text. Discuss.
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: I'll field that one for OSS. OSS didn't really like the last graf at all but as you have commented before, he doesn't have any opinions of his own that aren't simply reactions against what he is incapable of admiting; his unbridled, passionate love of all that is Danko. I pause here to wait for OSS' obligatory fat joke.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: ewan: yes i got the reference and yes i really did like the last graf best. i thought the dialogue sort of reeked, though; the lines coming from the woman don't seem to match very well with the husband's insults. they seem almost randomly generated, like the dialogue in that wacky pony cartoon. anyway, very stilted. was that intentional? if so, why? it woulda been better with more skillful dialogue. oh yeah, also i didn't think the hubby's insults were very funny.
08/19/2004 Ewan Snow: Danko, you asshole, I told you I wanted discussion about MY SHORT! Not your dumb feud with OSS.
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: What feud? I already told you, I liked the dialogue and didn't like that last graf. I agree with OSS that the hubby's insults seemed randomly generated or stilted but I liked that. Now fuck off and lets get back to some hot man-on-man.
08/19/2004 Ewan Snow: Well the hubby was supposed to be funny, but I had a number of "issues" with it that I never bothered to smooth out. And yes, the chick responses were, I think, the weakest part. They were just put in to move the thing along and not revised. The only good line from the hubby, I think, is the first. Once I was done, I wasn't all that happy with it, so I slapped on the JL ending. I wrote the whole thing in a couple minutes cuz I didn't want to be a guest anymore and didn't have any ideas. I figured the JL ending would save it, though nobody would get it. Oh well...
08/19/2004 qualcomm: yes, now that you say it, that's how the bitch's responses seemed: completely devicey, to move the thing along, set up the next insult. now, compare that to Parisian Lovescape, which I was the only one visionary enough to give a five to.
08/19/2004 Ewan Snow: It's true, you are a genius for understanding that I'm a genius for Parisian Lovescape.
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: Snow: is it true you subconsciouly plagiarized the title from the Bob Seger song "Feel Like a Number"?
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: s
08/19/2004 Ewan Snow: No, it was epiconscious.
11/12/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5):
02/2/2005 Mr. Joshua (5): There's a lot more where this one came from. The Power of the Alliance (TM)