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The seeds of my downfall were sown in January, 19XX. It was bitter cold, like the breath of the Yeti. Snowdrifts abounded rising high, white mountains hemming in white valleys. They looked soft and comfortable like pure white pillows, or clouds, inviting one to lie down and drift off into a deep slumber. One felt as though one could but for the cold; the cold tore at one's parka and reached its icy index finger deep into one's long underwear jersey and scratched one's flesh with it’s frozen, dirty fingernail.
I was not yet a man but I bore some resemblance to one, possessing a full shock of dark, scraggly hair in each armpit. I was the first to shave among my classmates and if 2 days went by without it, I arrived at school with a stubbly jowl. I often masturbated and came and this made me very popular with the girls at Cabot Middle School. They pulled at my pants as they were desperate for my hard cock and the dark pubis that surrounded its base and climbed up from under my full scrotum. But they did not understand it; it was beyond their ken, and for me it was mere sport.
Date Written: August 15, 2004
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 4.2857
Comments:
08/19/2004 Jon Matza (5): 1996 would be my guess.
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: I find the idiotically redundant "and came" to be particularly laden with lustre.
08/19/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Demon Dogs!
08/19/2004 qualcomm (3): good work
08/19/2004 Benny Maniacs (5): 4.5 freezing stars. Author: how about one from the perspective of the Yeti/his adolescence?
08/19/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (5):
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: Matza, you know very well that it doesn't have to be redundant. Slocum, what do you think about this short?
08/19/2004 TheBuyer: Hey! Is this an offering from Krueger's secret identity? huh.go highlight something else, twerp.
08/19/2004 Mr. Pony: It is?
08/19/2004 John Slocum (4): At first I was irritated because the short begins with mentioning the seeds of the guys downfall and then doesn't really illuminate that, but then I thought that was a cool touch.
08/19/2004 John Slocum: Danko, it probably wasn't corked.
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko (5): This short is not corked. Add a star to make up you know who.
08/19/2004 Mr. Pony: I thought it was his. I think you fell into his trap, maybe.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: hm, so that's two false suggestions of corkedness in the past month or so...
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: Pony I think you're right. So, he FELL INTO MY TRAP!!!! AH HAAAAAA!!!!
08/19/2004 qualcomm: i should have 2ed this to correct all of the misguided 5s
08/19/2004 qualcomm: by the way, i think this is sIocum's work
08/19/2004 John Slocum: Wait...who set the trap and who fell into it?
08/19/2004 John Slocum: And what was the trap?
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: OSS; explain yourself. Is "good work" sarcastic? Or directed towards the other voters? Or is your point that it's merely good, i.e. not good enough? Danko: no, it doesn't have to be, but the thought that it might not have been done to fruition would never even arise in the average reader's mind unless the narrator bothered to specify that it was, in fact, done to fruition. I for one also liked & was going to praise how the details of the downfall remain unspecified.
08/19/2004 Mr. Pony: I see plans within plans.
08/19/2004 scoop (2): I'm only doing this because I wish OSS was my boyfriend and I want to do everyhting that he does because he is the coolest.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: matza, i think this thing is competent and useless. i am dumbfounded by these 5s.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: (ie, my point was that it is merely good)
08/19/2004 scoop: I see your "good" and lower it to a "boring."
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: Well I'm flabbergasted by your dumbfoundedness.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: explain the value-added of this short, then. please.
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: You guys are pure lecithin
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: Matza, I was simply referring to the strange practices of our mutual friend. Or maybe you know that?
08/19/2004 qualcomm: by the way, author, pubis is the pubic bone, not pubic hair, as the context here seems to indicate.
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: I already did, partly. I, 'za, thought found several jokes to be funny: the portentiousness of the first sentence, the coming of age tone, "and came", that whacking off made him popular with the girls, that his cock was "beyond their ken", that the downfall was never explained, and whether intentional or not, the pillows/clouds sentence. In short, the tone is savory nutmeg. But I suppose you, a substance fetishist, don't care.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: but a 5, matza? come on. you blew it.
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: that should be "found thought"
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: You're right, OSS. I apologize to the community for voting on this short based on its high quality, originality and my personal liking for it.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: i am a bit of substance fetishist, or maybe idea fetishist. however, the style of this one is merely competent, and on second and third reading sometimes not even that. this sentence, for example: "Snowdrifts abounded rising high, white mountains hemming in white valleys. "
08/19/2004 qualcomm: matza, i think thebuyer has hijacked your name!! how else to explain the tone of petulance in your last comment?
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: I already clarified my position on petulance, you strawberry. It's not the same as irritation per se. It's annoyance/anger blurted out wihtout wit or style (e.g., "More fucking dog shit from asswipe full-authors.") Those I've accused of petulance couldn't have written my previous comment.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: okay, sorry, i was going by the dictionary definition.
08/19/2004 scoop: Come on Matza, even you have to admit this thing is not piles of crucial sirloin wood meat.
08/19/2004 Mr. Pony: I thought the joke in this one was its sophomoric execution; that the speaker is overreaching on his command of language, style, and reason. I thought the pubis error was intentional on the part of the author. You two should carry on, though, and ignore my opinion. I am quite eager to see who wins your argument.
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: Pony's right: the author is in control of the idiotic parts. Scoop, I went to a great deal of trouble to explain the tenderloin aspects of this short. I feel that you lack an appreciation for sublime stupidity. This is not necessarily a failing, however: as Slocum would say, perhaps your mental palate simply does not accomodate these flavors.
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: I should say 'affinity' not 'appreciation'
08/19/2004 scoop: You should say "hairy taco" instead of "poontang."
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: "tag team tuna taco taste test"
08/19/2004 TheBuyer: FUCK! I come home to THIS shit? Oh my god I can't beleive you so tottaly said you motherfucker! I have feelings, big important ones, dick-whale, and you puked an ambigris of smelly, valuable hate on them!
So full of shit right now it's not even funny, but I got a rep to maintain.
This is a suicide note.
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: Are you trying to provoke me, buyer? This is the kind of discussion-killing posting I complained about way back when. Yes, I realize it's meant to be a parody of an outburst and/or self-deprecating. Yes, I saw the hidden text. It still makes no sense, given the below discussion had nothing to do with you. And why did you steal and misuse my suicide joke? What are you doing?
08/19/2004 anonymous: For 34 and a half years I thought 'Pubis' was 'Pubic Hair.' (Of course until I had the cognitive facilities in place to accomodate the concept of 'Pubic Hair,' I didn't really know what 'Pubic Hair' was, so lets say (for the sake of argument, that is) that it's been about 26 and a half years).()=-=()
08/20/2004 TheBuyer: That was in response to OSS from earlier. You already made the suicide note joke? Shitty. Also, I was stoned when I wrote it and it seemed a hell of a lot of funnier at the time.
10/8/2004 John Slocum: By the way, ladies of Brookline: I think I might have had David Geller in mind, at least partially, when I wrote this.