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Kids today are incredibly media-savvy. They use the Internet more than any prior generation, and have access to an almost unlimited selection of news and information. And more than any other age group, minors demonstrate a natural acumen for multitasking. I am amazed by my daughter's ability to talk on her cell phone, instant message her pals and do her homework all at the same time!

Unfortunately, testing standards have not kept up with technology. Old yardsticks like reading comprehension and arithmetic are still being used to measure academic achievement in a generation that has grown up with calculators and spellchecking. More appropriate diagnostics need to be developed, especially in the language arts. It goes without saying that a mastery of skillsets like scanning and the use of bullets and other chunking tools is a better indicator of professional success than algebra or analogies!

Youngsters who underperform on today's standardized diagnostic surveys are unfairly marginalized into remedial classrooms. Studies show that these alienated souls can look forward only to a lifetime of below-average incomes, low self-esteem and social disenfranchisement. This is too heavy a punishment for failing to master outdated skillsets. But they have not failed these unfair tests: we as parents and educators have failed them.

Date Written: August 18, 2004
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 3.1429

08/23/2004 John Slocum (2): Didn't even crack a smile. I dunno, I think this sucks.
08/23/2004 Jacob Starfish: Is the author using the entire frame of Acmeshorts as an external smirk for this piece of writing? Or is something even more complicated and devious going on? Or something dumber?
08/23/2004 Mr. Pony: Sorry, that was me.
08/23/2004 anonymous: Starfish: the middle one.
08/23/2004 John Slocum: Yah, jacob and author, I re-read a few times to see if I were missing anything extrememly subtle, but didn't come up with anything. So complicated and devious I couldn't unearth it. Sorry about the 2, should have been a 3 - it's a good piece of writing, just don't see any jokes or, in the absence of jokes, anything to stimulate.
08/23/2004 anonymous: It's supposed to be a parody of a PTA mom talking educational newspeak. It's possible I McSweeneyed it though, and made it too close a parody, razor-close, like blue-green gelatin. However, there is (what i think is) a buried joke in here. See if you can guess what is! Hooray! I'm Jacob Starfish!
08/23/2004 Mr. Pony: No you're not!
signed, Mr. Pony
08/23/2004 Dylan Danko (4): I don't know what Slocum's on about. This is quite good. Does subtlety count for nothing these days?
08/23/2004 Ewan Snow (3): What's subtle about it? It's just a fake op-ed piece by a moron. I enjoyed the use of "skillsets" and other edu-speak, but overall felt that, as the author said, this is barely different from what it is parodying. Either way, I didn't think it was all that funny.
08/23/2004 Benny Maniacs (3): Yeah, I see where Author was going. Experimental shit, kind of like how Robert Raushenberg bought a DeKooning pencil drawing, erased it, and sold it again. Yeah. I'm not buying this though.
08/23/2004 anonymous: There is one "subtle" joke in there, which I, the author, will now reveal: the idea is that the moron narrator was motivated to write this because her stupid daughter (cited in graf 1) isn't doing well in school. With a mother's blind pride, the narrator tries to elevate her daughter's idiotic "accomplishments" (multitasking, using the Internet) to the same level as legitimate academic ones. I'm not sure if this joke was coming through or not. If it's not coming through, I blame the reader.
08/23/2004 anonymous: Maniacs: I don't know what you mean. I wasn't experimenting here. One time Danko and I experimented, though.
08/23/2004 anonymous: so bland it's offensive. wonderbread of shorts.
08/23/2004 Dylan Danko: Author, that joke did come through. Anon_a is Scoop?
08/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Yes, author, I got that as well.
08/23/2004 scoop: scoop don't truck with no anonymity.
08/23/2004 Dylan Danko: Sure, Scoop. Hey, pull my finger!
08/23/2004 anonymous: The sentiment sounds scoopish, but the anonymity seems too craven.
08/23/2004 TheBuyer (3): all 3 for "They use the Internet more than any prior generation"
08/23/2004 Mr. Pony (3): Author, I have failed you.
08/23/2004 qualcomm (5): great job, author. thanks. from all of us.
08/23/2004 Dylan Danko: Huh. Interesting, OSS.
08/23/2004 John Slocum: So, what do you like about this one, OSS?
08/23/2004 John Slocum: Danko, stop ducking me and call.
08/23/2004 Dylan Danko: Didn't realized you called, douche. Some of us are very busy.
08/23/2004 Dylan Danko: realize. And by the way, what is your father emailing me about?
08/23/2004 John Slocum: high tens
08/23/2004 Jon Matza (4): Like today's kids' skill sets this short was unfairly denied credit by an entrenched, obsolete system (represented by the sheep-like majority who voted on it).
08/23/2004 John Slocum: Up your ass, Matza.
08/23/2004 Jon Matza: Etc!
08/24/2004 Eliza: Please go on.
08/24/2004 Jon Matza: And so forth.
08/24/2004 Mr. Joshua: OSS is well down the path to becoming a reactionary. He will be voting Republican before he is 45.
08/24/2004 qualcomm: just because a fella makes fun of krugman for both resembling and being a hero of dylan danko don't mean he's a reactionary. and just because a fella likes watching o'reilly because it's like seeing captain kirk read the news is also no reason.
08/24/2004 Ewan Snow: What about because a fellow voted for Rick Lazio?
08/24/2004 qualcomm: oh, like that mattered.