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Sommelier Feldman sidled up to the table of 4 young nubiles. "Can I help you with the wine list, ladies?" he said suavely.

“Tee-hee-hee, I’m having the monkfish. What goes with that? You’re cute.”

“Please, darling, hands off. I’m expensive and you can’t afford me. As for your monkfish…” [here Feldman paused for effect, an effect that had unfailingly floored young nymphs such as these many, many times before]…”wine doesn’t go well with food!”

Two of the girls fainted. One collapsed forward, her limp arm knocking the show-plate off the table to shatter into a thousand pieces; the other fell backward in her chair rolling off onto the floor. The third closed her eyes tightly and shook her head back and forth. The fourth (the one with the monkfish) was trembling and trying to speak, but only a pathetic whimper escaped her quivering lip.

“Here’s how this is gonna work: you’ll have the ’88 Bachelet Charmes Chambertin.”

With that, the third lurched forward passing out lying almost entirely on the table. Monkfish girl burst into great sobs. “Y-y-ye-yes, I’ll have it. Please go and get it.”

“Oh, by the way, I don't decant Burgundy, even old ones.” The fourth one, though clearly the strongest, passed out, no match for the raw power of Sommelier Feldman.

Date Written: September 02, 2004
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 3.75

09/7/2004 Will Disney (5): 4.5 stars - i almost fainted myself...
09/7/2004 qualcomm (3): while i normally enjoy shorts about my favorite subject, and this is a good idea, i felt the execution here was less than woodpile
09/7/2004 Dylan Danko (4): I'm gonna give it a four but this isn't very show plate and also I really hate shorts about Feldman.
09/7/2004 anonymous: Different feldman, just coincidence. Sommelier Feldman has strong forearm muscles that can go the distance.
09/7/2004 Dylan Danko: I know exactly which Feldman it is.
09/7/2004 TheBuyer (4): "Please, darling, hands off. I’m expensive and you can’t afford me."
09/7/2004 qualcomm: that's one of the lines i really didn't like
09/7/2004 TheBuyer: Huh. I liked it because it made me want to beat the shit out of the wine-waiter. That and 'decant'.
09/7/2004 Mr. Pony (3): Yeah. Relies too much on descriptions of the audience in tapes early Beatles live shows. Also, "Wine doesn't go with food" is one of the least interesting of the totally wrong things Ol' Feldy says over and over.
09/7/2004 qualcomm: time does not exist.
09/7/2004 John Slocum: Not crackling with energy, either the short or the site today.
09/7/2004 Litcube: there are 11+1 dimensions
09/7/2004 Dylan Danko: Pony, what are the interesting ones?
09/7/2004 Mr. P?ny: that elvis costello, the replacements and lucinda williams are worth listening to.
09/7/2004 Dylan Danko: OSS is so wrong. Those guys suck!
09/7/2004 Jon Matza (4): But why would he insist on the Chambertin if he was against their drinking wine with food? Otherwise, more or less 'tree(Crabtree & Evelyn)
09/7/2004 Litcube (4): There could be an inside joke here. Regardless, I thought it was fucking halarious.
09/7/2004 qualcomm: matza, please modify your vote to reflect the reality that my short from yesterday, while admittedly of a less brooklinean provenance, is much better than this one.
09/7/2004 anonymous: He's not against their drinking wine with food, he's against their belief that wine can go well with food (intelligently chosen, that is). He's always into people drinking wine with food. And it's Charmes-Chambertin; Chambertin is a different vineyard. There's also Latricieres-Chambertin, Mazi-Chambertin, Mazoyeres-Chambertin, Chambertin-Clos de Beze and Ruchottes-Chambertin.
09/7/2004 Dylan Danko: Unless, of course, you want childish retribution, Matza.
09/7/2004 Mr. Pony: Danko, that was Summer impersonating me about those music people I haven't heard of (all right, I've heard of Elvis). As far as Summer's more interesting idiosyncrasies, I would place at the top anything he says right before coming totally unglued when anyone suggests that any part of the world is any different from his delicate model of reality. A close second would be his assertion that I think in pictures. A recent visit to the doctor confirms that I think in actual objects, which neatly accounts for my chronic constipation and bleeding.
09/7/2004 Jon Matza: OSS: if you're interested I can explain to you why I liked this short. I'd rather not have to put in the effort but am willing to for the sake of improving your mind and expanding your horizons.
09/8/2004 John Slocum: let's hear it brother-maaaaaaaaaaaaaan! OSS needs you now more than ever.
09/8/2004 John Slocum: That is to say, I'd like to hear why you like this short.
09/8/2004 qualcomm: yeah, let's hear it.
09/8/2004 John Slocum: peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeterrrr!
09/8/2004 qualcomm: let me pre-empt you, matza, by explaining what i thought sucked in this. it's mainly the first two grafs. they're written really poorly, and i think the author did it on purpose, but i don't know why. "nubiles" especially rankles my chancre, as this word seems to be highly overused lately. "suavely" too rankles, i think because it's so unnecessary and boring a description. "tee-hee-hee" sucks for reasons i hope i don't have to explain. that whole first quote sucks. in fact the whole short feels a little too much like the author sticking his hand inside a Feldman puppet's ass and making it say dumb stuff. hello, author.
09/8/2004 Jon Matza: What you say may be valid but I feel such small-minded objections are outweighed by the savory nutmeg here that you're either missing or not acknowledging. Far from "making [the Feldman puppet] say dumb stuff" I think this short is affectionate in tone towards its hero. As I see it, the narrator enjoys the protagonist's delight in scanadalizing unwitting rubes with his provocative assertions of taste and opinion. Accordingly, to oblige his hero, he (the narrator) has created a fantasy scenario in which SF renders his audience literally unconscious with his forceful, abrasive statements. This concept, I think you'll agree, purveys a respectable quantity of pleasure/humor.

09/8/2004 qualcomm: i wasn't trying to say the author was mocking me. i agree that it's good-natured, even damned affectionate. like i said in my first comment, i thought the idea was good; it was the execution i found less than woodpile.
09/8/2004 Jon Matza: Well in my sweet voting algorithm execution's only one of many factors taken into account before the final shining figure emerges.
09/8/2004 qualcomm: my votes are extruded from a brown orifice, and if they shine, sir, it is with the slickness of my fundament.
09/8/2004 Jon Matza: Fine by me. I'm not the one endlessly objecting to others's votes.
09/8/2004 scoop (3): I think the humor from this is limited to the fact it's feldman. Take away that and all you have is the smell of a barn without the sophisticated trappings tha come with drinking crushed grapes.