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Osama Bin Laden was hopping mad, literally. The guy was bounding from leg to leg, jabbing each unusually long, lanky arm in the air, shouting a phleghmy cacophony of poison-laced threats, insults, curses, jihads and the like at Pfc. Lance Johnson who he was chasing around the table. Bin Laden would lurch one way, but then slink in the opposite reaction, an Arab interpretation of what Pfc. Johnson would later describe as a “juke.”

“Allah Aq-bar!”

“Osama, dude, chill out. I said I was sorry.”

For the last five months, Pfc. Johnson had been responsible for shepherding Bin Laden from hideout to hideout in anticipation of his public arrest announcement the week before the election. Predictably, all the moving around without warning led to a lot of fights, large and small. But man. This latest one was serious.

Pfc. Johnson had opened a trunk full of Bin Laden’s Star Wars action figures. Not the latest generation either. The real deal. Luke. Hans. Chewy. Everyone. Even the Bith aliens who played in the band in the cantina. Bin Laden had kept those action figures NIB (New in Box) since the early 80s, and to see some flunky American undo a lifetimes work was too much to bear. When he walked in on Pfc. Johnson sitting on the floor surrounded by haphazardly torn boxes like an impatient child on Christmas morning it sent him in to a fury. This must be, Bin Laden thought, what it was like to discover mom had trashed your comic book collection, or that dad stacked your mint Beatles LPs out by the curb for the garbage men.

Bin Laden leapt over the table and threw himself at Johnson. It took Johnson off guard. All he saw was a swirling mass of dun colored robes and scraggly beard hairs. The two men went careening across the living room smashing knocking over potted plants, the television and the Leroy Neiman paintings that adorned the walls. The two men crashed in to the couch knocking it over. Bin Laden throttled Pfc. Johnson banging his head against the floor, shouting a fresh invective with each crack.

Later that night…

Bin Laden held his Wedge Antilles character and said in a high-pitched voice: “[We need to take the fortress for the good of the Rebellion.]” Osama really loved Wedge.

Pfc. Johnson made laser blaster noises shooting at Wedge who Osama had hidden behind a fold in the comforter they had bunched up to have an action figure war. “I got him. He’s dead. Wedge is finally dead!”

“[Who do you think I am? The bastard child of a goat herder who can be swindled in to buying single hump camel at double hump price?]”

Pfc. Johnson jumped up, upsetting the careful set up of figures and shouted: “I got him fair and square, and you know it!”

“[Now look what you’ve done],” Osama screamed in an injured voice, looking down at the figures scattered all over the place.

Once again the two men went careening across the room at each other’s throats.

This fight would end like all the others: a game of Yahtzee, a cup of cocoa and with neither of them understanding a word of what the other was saying.

Date Written: September 09, 2004
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 3.875

09/13/2004 qualcomm (3):
09/13/2004 Mr. Pony (4):
09/13/2004 Will Disney (4): I had too much rive & beans for lunch today! I really did!
09/13/2004 TheBuyer (4): [no kandahamment]
09/13/2004 John Slocum: Boy, I like this, 4 or 5 is the only question. Summer - why a 3? Let's try and leave the invective, belligerence and surliness out of it today, 'kay sweetie?
09/13/2004 anonymous: 5, Slocum, for the victims, the victims.
09/13/2004 scoop: OSS how come you won't answer are you scared? Are you scared? How come huh? Or are you too busy staring at your small weiner, trying to convince yourself that it is proportional?
09/13/2004 Jon Matza: Skillful execution notwithstanding, I, the 'za, tend to agree with the Sausalito. The premise of portraying villains/leaders as overgrown children seems a bit "obv".
09/13/2004 scoop: If you don't answer in five minutes I can only assume you really think this deserves a five and are just angry me for some irrational reason that doesn't make sense like usual.
09/13/2004 Jon Matza: I thought my reason was pretty Spinoza.
09/13/2004 anonymous: I'm on the phone with OSS now and he said he thinks this is aawesome.
09/13/2004 Joe Frankenstone (4): Five points for "Bith" and the , minus one-third each for "Hans" (I mean really), "smashing knocking," and Matza's point about the overgrown children premise.
09/13/2004 Joe Frankenstone: Damn html. Five points for Bith and the [surprise intratextual foreign language designation], I meant to say. And take back one kaddam to honor the Hebrew God whose ark this is.
09/13/2004 anonymous: Yes, Matza, your point is well taken. But I anticipated framed in an ironic way, hid it, and made it inaccessible to all but the most refined minds. I have thus turned "obv" into "sub" with the pure withcery of my genius.
09/13/2004 Mr. Pony: Matza, I think there's more to this than Osama acting like a kid. He identifies with the Rebel Alliance, as do most people from our generation. (apologies if you understood that and simply felt it wasn't carried across well enough to mention) Bin Laden's not so different from us! Weren't the Rebels terrorists in a way? Or more specifically, wouldn't they have been called as such by the Imperial Media? However, despite the interesting political and social questions this short asks, this short does contain two (or six, depending how you look at it) inexcusably lazy factual errors. Shame on you, author.
09/13/2004 anonymous: They were all intentional, Mr. Pony, because I'm a fucking genius. But I can understand how you mistook them for mistakes.
09/13/2004 anonymous: I'm on the phone with OSS right now and he said he's not really banned from the site. He says he's just pouting because this new short is getting more attention then him. He also wanted me to tell you all how much he hates you. Almost as much he hates himself. Except for Slocum who he likes becasue of the courage he showed with his comment challenging him about this short.
09/13/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): Hans? Hans? You fucking genius. Author, have you read Vanity Fair lately? Just asking.
09/13/2004 Mr. Pony: For SHAME!
09/13/2004 Dick Vomit: Why is everyone dicks?
09/13/2004 Mr. Pony: What?
09/13/2004 John Slocum (4): Fuck the victims. I'm a victim.
09/13/2004 anonymous: Yeah, a victim of being from Brookline, F-ing "Guesty."
09/13/2004 John Slocum: Eat a dick, cunt.
09/13/2004 John Slocum: I'm coming back, I got some new shit. I'mma be big.
09/13/2004 anonymous: I'd eat your cock "Guesty" but you don't have one because the Acme Robot devoured in an act of symbolic auto-castration you clostomized douce bag, winner of the "2004 Douchebagathon Decathalon" McGuesty.
09/14/2004 Mr. Pony: After all of us are long dead, I predict this short will still be read at gatherings and celebrations. It's still only worth a four to me, though, because of the aforementioned inexcusably lazy errors.
09/14/2004 qualcomm: "you are an idiot."
09/14/2004 John Slocum: Not my cock, a cock.
09/14/2004 scoop: The only mistake here is Hans, which is deliberate, so I could enjoy, the way a cruel alien wathces one of its human captives squirm beneath an unusually large anal probe rodgering, chuckling with an elevated sense of superiority as the numerous geeks, clinging to this site liks banacles to the bottom of a an old wooden ship, complain about it (Hans? Hans? Well I never....) That said I must bid you all adoo as I allow my cumbersome body to disintegrate in to a shallow bath of nutrient-rich fluid which, in time, will come to feed my sublime brain as it floats forever in a cerebral nirvana. Because I'm a fucking genius. PS -- Dear Guesty, There will be no need for the consumption of cocks in my Brave New Future, unless they are liquified in my protein-rich brain solution. PPS -- You are all welcome.
09/14/2004 John Slocum: Dear Brainy,

'Guesty' - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good one, ya got me.

09/14/2004 anonymous: The G is capitalized.
09/14/2004 Mr. Pony: Hans? I never thought that was a mistake. I thought you meant, like the original Han Solo figure and the Han in the Hoth parka and Han in his Bespin Pants. Hans. No, dear author, your mistakes are far more lazy, and far less intentional. For shame.
09/14/2004 anonymous: I heard you were a mistake Pony, and that your mom wishes she aborted you.
09/14/2004 Mr. Pony: That's great, anon_user_a. Did she tell you this whilst you were giving her a strawberry shortcake?
09/14/2004 anonymous: I wish.
09/14/2004 The Finch: anon_user_a is, of course, scoop.
The Finch
09/15/2004 Mr. Pony: Bzzzzt!
09/19/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): Nice, this was choice material sir!