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"If you will do me this one favor", I said to the Al Jar Mushdeen executioner. "If you'll just please take the contacts out of my eyes after you're done. The thought of leaving them in seems... distasteful."
"Why don't you take them out now?", he offered.
"I want to see what's happening; I want to be tuned in and you know, clear."
"What do you mean? Your eyesight will fail, you'll feel nothing. You're just - how do you say - turning off. There's nothing to see."
"How the fuck do you know? Don't you guys believe in the afterlife and forty virgins and all that?" I said, becoming vexed.
"No. Nobody believes that shit. That's just an American propaganda", he replied cooly. There was an awkward moment. The executioner sighed, plucking his lips: "OK, OK, I'll take your contacts out. Now read the statement."
The executioner pulled the black pillow-case thingy over his head and stepped in front of the video-camera. His fellow extremists followed his lead. I read the statement, he wielded his scimitar (like I didn't know what was coming) and cut my head off in a couple of hacking, slicing, chops.

When they were cleaning up, the executioner didn't take the contacts out of my eyes. It didn't matter, as it turns out, but still. I mean, come on, man.

Date Written: September 12, 2004
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 2.6667

09/14/2004 Moe-Ron: wielded his samovar to cut off a head? i highly doubt it. samovar
09/14/2004 TheBuyer: maybe it was one of those deadly razor sharp teakettles?
09/14/2004 qualcomm: perhaps the retarded author meant scimitar? perhaps he also meant "your" instead of "you're" and propaganda instead of propoganda. perhaps.
09/14/2004 Moe-Ron: perhaps.
09/14/2004 John Slocum (3): A Mr. Pony 3.
09/14/2004 Dylan Danko: Why don't you vote, OSS?
09/14/2004 scoop (1): An OSS One.
09/14/2004 qualcomm (2): flat idea + bad spelling and diction = 2
09/14/2004 Mr. Pony: Hey, Slocum, what's that supposed to mean?
09/14/2004 TheBuyer (3): With Slocum - Pony 3 - started in the middle, didn't move me in either direction. The beheading by tea-kettle was the best part.
09/14/2004 Mr. Pony (2): Now that's a sentiment I'm proud to have my name associated with!
09/14/2004 Jon Matza (4): What's with the herd mentality? This short isn't as bad as all that. In fact it's relatively amusing! I apologize to the author on behalf of the community.
09/14/2004 qualcomm: i believe my reasons below are sufficient explanation for the likes of you.
09/14/2004 Jon Matza: I apologize to myself on behalf of OSS.
09/14/2004 scoop's brain (3): I agree with the one they call Matza. Liberated as I am from the chains of biology I "see" clearly the possibilites existing here in. And will cling to this position with the same ferocity the one they call Danko clings to the notion that Brittany Spear "Toxic" is a good song.
09/14/2004 Litcube: I realize that it’s been pointed out already, but "samovar"? Could I please have an explanation?
09/14/2004 qualcomm: litcube, see my hypothesis below. it is quite clearly correct.
09/14/2004 Litcube: But.. Isn't that retarded?
09/15/2004 Joe Frankenstone (1): Ugly, inside and out.
09/15/2004 Ewan Snow (5): better than cats
09/16/2004 Benny Maniacs (1): Yeah. I fucked up. Thought I had samovar right. Although I did question it - then I thought "Yeah, samovar. Samovar's the word I'm looking for. S-a-m-o-v-a-r." I'm an average writer with valuable ideas.
09/16/2004 Benny Maniacs: P.S. I changed "samovar" to "scimitar" and fixed other aforementioned mistakes.
09/16/2004 TheBuyer: You're also a good post-published editor Benny Maniacs I think possibly for lack of getting someone who has a useful, objective opinion beforehand. I say that because when you go back and fix your shorts the next day using the suggestions/notes/slams they usually fucking rock. Like that "Girl Island" one, for example, which I can't find on your list right now or would link to.
01/24/2005 Pusher Robot: Space has a terrible power.