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When the doctor came back into the room with test results, Jake put the paperback in his coat pocket and stood up.

Jake said, "Doc, give it to me straight, no one pays attention to me, it hurts when I go like 'this', it's not a hazelnut daquiri."

A pause. The doctor opened the file folder, closed it and took off his glasses.

"Jake," he said.

"Next? Don't go like 'this'? It's a hickory daquiri doc?"

The doctor moved to the model skeleton and turned it around so it's back was facing them. "The tumor has worked itself in between these vertebrae. The increased pressure on your spine will cause problems with your motor functions much sooner than we had predicted. I'm sorry, when I quoted three months, I honestly thought you'd spend them quite normally, you'll be in a wheel chair inside a week, completely paralyzed from the neck down in ten days, and will require a respirator to breathe in no less than 14 days. On the bright side you have can-opener in your ass," the doctor said.

A slow smile spread over Jake's face, "Stop it," Jake shook his head, "No I don't."

"Yes you do, you have an electric can opener in your ass," the doctor said, putting his hand on Jake's shoulder. "A big one."

Date Written: September 15, 2004
Author: TheBuyer
Average Vote: 4.85714

Comments:
09/22/2004 qualcomm (5): this was fun! it reminded me a skit from R&M's Laugh-In.
09/22/2004 Joe Frankenstone (5): This is a good day for Acme Shorts. This one is great -- though I now, for the first time, understand why even good writers need editors. The concept and timing are so good that several small grammatical mistakes (notably "it's" and comma splices in the doctor's speech; comma splices in Jake's speech are forgiven as fitting the crazy-telling-jokes-in-a-row persona) are easily forgiven. Awesome.
09/22/2004 Will Disney: footloose and fancy free.
09/22/2004 Litcube (5): Yes, the trivial errors were annoying, but I still had to give this a 5. Holy fuck. A slow smile spread over Jake's face, "Stop it," Jake shook his head, "No I don't." That's severely awesome (painfully so).
09/22/2004 Litcube: And I say that, everyone, with the confidence and 'vast' experience I've accrued through my 6 shorts.
09/22/2004 anonymous: whoop! I'll Benny the grammar later tonite. Thanks!
09/22/2004 Litcube: You're going to fix your grammar with explosives.
09/22/2004 qualcomm: this is starfish
09/22/2004 anonymous: Mr. Pony - do you still have that juicer out?
09/22/2004 Litcube: This is TheBuyer
09/22/2004 Jon Matza (5): Good one, the buyer.
09/22/2004 Pix: A slow smile spread over Jake's face, "Stop it," Jake shook his head, "No I don't." Author: Does he say this with a lisp?
09/22/2004 anonymous: Pix - not that I remember, it was a long time ago.
09/22/2004 Pix (4): 4.5 then. I pictured it with a lisp, woulda been a 5
09/22/2004 Mr. Pony (5): I wish this was Starfish.
09/22/2004 Litcube: Pix, you bitch. You couldn't have rounded that up?
09/22/2004 Pix: I really really needed that lisp. Seriously. I'm sure I will be duly punished when TheBuyer gets off work though. So don't worry.
09/22/2004 Litcube: By forcing him to watch aspiring model reality TV shows?
09/22/2004 Pix: That F$^^&R! Is nothing sacred??? Well at any rate, you can't force the willing. You should come by and watch it with us, I could make popcorn.
09/22/2004 anonymous: Ladies, please! This isn't the time or the place for this kind of thing, don't you have blogs?
09/22/2004 Pix: CLitLube started it!
09/22/2004 Litcube: Ize just throwin' down in yo' drop, Buyer. Dis bitch disrespect. Represent. Peace.
09/22/2004 Mr. Pony: "Ladies"? Okay, now I'm thoroughly confused.
09/22/2004 Will Disney: i thought this *was* the time and place for this kind of thing!
09/22/2004 TheBuyer: Ya, no kidding it was just getting 'Ricki'
09/22/2004 Litcube: I threw down. Bitch ain't steppin'.
09/23/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (5): Damn good show.
06/27/2005 Spacelord: Ah! Here it is--The reason I thought Litcube was a girl for so long! I knew it was around here somewhere. I still really like this short, by the way.
06/27/2005 Spacelord: Dammit!
06/27/2005 TheBuyer: Hey thanks, new guy! You're really going to like it here, especially if you enjoy swearing!
06/27/2005 Kenji X: TheBuyer needs no one to leap to his defense, but seriously, doctor dialogue is just like doctor handwriting -- it's an mess.