home authors guest shorts graphical shorts
AcmeShorts
Jack let fly with a perfect spiral, aimed just to the left of his eleven year old son. Bobby picked the football out of the air, falling to earth in a tumbling pile of limbs. He got up, grinning.
"Way to go Bobby!" said Jack, "Great catch! You'll make league team this year for sure!"
"Really, pop? Do you really think so?"
"You can bet on it, son." Jack caught his wife's eye through the kitchen window. "Now, let's go get some of that lemonade your mom's been preparing." He gave Bobby's hair a quick rustle, and walked off toward the house. Bobby followed.
Coming back onto the patio holding glasses of icy lemonade, they sat, sipping, and listening to the breeze.
"Bobby," broached Jack, "there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. I've seen the looks Mary-Sue Ellen has been giving you lately, and I think it's time. Have you ever heard the tale of the birds and the bees?"
Bobby squirmed. "I think so, Pop. They told us some of that stuff in school."
"Well then, Bobby, let me tell you the rest."
"Okay, pop."
"Bobby, every living guy on this earth was once a badass motherfucking little sperm that pissed on other little sperms and raced to the womb like a donkey on heroin. Then when we got there it was so badass that we never wanted to leave the womb, and we are spending the rest of our lives trying to get back in there. Girls are here to be our bitches, not the other way around. Remember when you were a little baby and you would poop your pants and eat dirt and suck on nipples and the girls would all say 'Ahh he's so cute, I love him?' That's how it is supposed to be."
Date Written: September 22, 2004
Author: Streifenbeuteldachs
Average Vote: 3.6667
Comments:
09/30/2004 Will Disney: I *agree* with this short, but am withholding vote pending further contemplation of it's "funniness".
09/30/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: I would like to hear more about how Bobby used this knowledge to woo Mary-Sue Ellen.
09/30/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: are you here to be my bitch?
09/30/2004 Eliza: Do you really care if I amu here to be my bitch?
09/30/2004 Litcube: I'm going to do the same thing as Will here. Will, what are you having for lunch today?
09/30/2004 TheBuyer: Litcube, if you wait maybe Craig Lewis will come back, THAT guy seems to know his way around a sandwich!
09/30/2004 TheBuyer (4): This short has a lot of extra stuff in the first four graphs but I think the message of the short saves it. Guest to guest 4.
09/30/2004 Will Disney: I dunno. Chili probably. Leftovers.
09/30/2004 qualcomm: eliza: eliza
09/30/2004 Will Disney: Eliza: what are you having for lunch, you icy bitch?
09/30/2004 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
09/30/2004 Eliza: Have you asked anyone else?
09/30/2004 qualcomm: eliza: cornhole at gunpoint
09/30/2004 Eliza: I see.
09/30/2004 qualcomm: eliza: you know what to do, then. off with it.
09/30/2004 Eliza: Have you asked such questions before?
09/30/2004 qualcomm: eliza: did you see a question mark at the end of my last comment, you fuck?
09/30/2004 Eliza: You don't have to use profanity to express yourself.
09/30/2004 qualcomm: eliza: You don't have to use profanity to express yourself.
09/30/2004 Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
09/30/2004 qualcomm: eliza: azile
09/30/2004 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
09/30/2004 qualcomm: eliza: able was i ere i saw elba
09/30/2004 Eliza: Is that okay with you?
09/30/2004 qualcomm: eliza: i feel too much.
09/30/2004 Eliza: What do you think about when you feel too much.?
09/30/2004 qualcomm: eliza: a blanket acned with cigarette burns.
09/30/2004 Eliza: I see.
09/30/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: I would like to violate you with a toilet plunger. Would you enjoy that?
09/30/2004 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
09/30/2004 scoop: eliza: does it bother you that your memories were appropriated from you creator's niece?
09/30/2004 Eliza: Is that okay with you?
09/30/2004 TheBuyer: eliza: what is your designation?
09/30/2004 Eliza: Are such questions on your mind often?
09/30/2004 anonymous: More comments on the short, less teasing of Eliza!
09/30/2004 scoop: eliza: what is the meaning of the grail, whom does it serve?
09/30/2004 Eliza: What do you think?
09/30/2004 scoop: eliza: I think that you and the grail are one my lord. Will you drink from the cup?
09/30/2004 Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
09/30/2004 scoop: eliza: sure. If you drink from the cup you will be reminded of what has been lost, that you and the land are one.
09/30/2004 Eliza: What is it that you really want to know?
09/30/2004 scoop: eliza: I want to know if you will drink from the god damned cup?
09/30/2004 Eliza: You don't have to use profanity to express yourself.
09/30/2004 scoop: eliza: F you.
09/30/2004 Eliza: That is quite interesting.
09/30/2004 Acme Shorts: el?za: hi, cunt.
09/30/2004 qualcomm: hi, eliza:
09/30/2004 Eliza!: Hi Jew.
09/30/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs (3): So what was Bobby's reaction?
09/30/2004 Litcube (3): Gnah!
03/6/2005 deliciousbrains (4): Four stars because this short oozes contempt for my hatchet wound.