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"My, but aren't YOU the hunkiest hunk of roasted beef in the universe?" Galaxia purred and circled him, playfully carving a arc of stardust from his chest with one luminous fingernail. Her stilettos clacked along the obsidian void of space as she regarded his Olympian stature; the glittering sinews of his arms straining beneath their burden, the impossible thighs, his eyes following hers as he pressed his chin into the vastness of his chest. "I bet you got a big dick!!!" she ventured. "YUM!!!"
"Lady, look. I--" he began. "Shh..." Hushing him with a finger, Galaxia plucked the moon off its orbit, pinched it by its stick and rolled the pitted sphere along her tongue. "Mmm...you like that, big fella?" The Tea Bag routine. He rolled his eyes. Galaxia. Some second rate titan's ex-wife. Major league slut. Insatiably hungry for godcock. He was on duty, for fuck's sake. And he just didn't have time for this right now. He looked around. It was just the two of them, straddling the cosmos. Dammit. "Lar, lar, LAR!!" She bounced the moon on her tongue. "LAR, LAR, LAR!! MM-HMMM!!!" She lost her footing and dropped the moon. "Oopsies!" Oh, God. She was drunk.
She made a show, then, of composing herself, then knelt before him. "No strings attached," she whispered as she pulled aside his loincloth.
"Hey, lady. Whoa. WHOA! I'm on duty. I can't just--gahhhh." He shuddered as she took thousands of miles of his meat into the vacuum of her throat. His whole body sagged dangerously as, three light-minutes later, Atlas flushed her esophagus with the shimmering torrent of his matter. He made a noise like "eeb," and made his Great Mistake. He let his burden fall. It crushed Galaxia, snapping her spine, which in turn clamped her jaws shut, severing him at the hilt. They toppled through space, along with the tumbling Earth, dickless, broken, infinite.
Date Written: September 22, 2004Comments:
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 4.81818
10/1/2004 qualcomm (5): you shoulda just said it was atlas from the first graf, since it was quite obvious. but fine work.
10/1/2004 scoop (5): The world according to Atlas.
10/1/2004 TheBuyer (5): "Oh, God. She was drunk." real good on a few levels.
10/1/2004 John Slocum: A nice piece of work.
10/1/2004 anonymous: Yes.
10/1/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Heartbreaking. Madcap.
10/1/2004 Litcube (4): "Eeb".
10/1/2004 Dylan Danko (5): Excellent job.
10/1/2004 Dylan Danko: Author, can I buy the film rights?
10/1/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (5): Dickless, broken, infinite.
That's my Friday in a nutshell.
10/1/2004 TheBuyer: Ha! 5 star Ferucio comment
10/1/2004 anonymous: Danko: how much you got?
10/1/2004 Dylan Danko: I have a pound of Jamesons soaked flesh.
10/1/2004 anonymous: So close to a 5! I try and I try! Danko: I only take flesh soaked in Beam.
10/1/2004 Litcube: Yes. Sorry author, I should explain myself. The use of multiple exclamation marks drives me fucking nuts. That with the frequent caps make this work seemed a tad unpolished to me. If it makes any difference to you, which is probably doesn't, but if it did (but probably totally doesn't), I though this was a sold 4.444.
10/1/2004 TheBuyer: couple of inconsistant verb tenses as well, to get really nitpicky, but dudecube, the story was so good.
10/1/2004 Litcube: I know, TheDude, I know. In fact, unlike some soulless voters on this site, I have a conscience. Due to my guilt, I just harfed everywhere.
10/1/2004 anonymous: Word, Litcube. Word. I prefer CAPS to ital to illustrate a certain emphasis. The multiple !!!, which I also loathe, was used to illustrate her, you know, Colossal ditziness. She's, like, TOTALLY overdoing it!!! But again: word.
10/1/2004 Litcube: Word, author. I can dig. I totally dig. I just harfed again.
10/1/2004 TheBuyer: Fair enough, my nauseated friend.
10/1/2004 John Slocum (5): I'll drop a 5 on this bitch.
10/1/2004 anonymous: Yo, Slocum, dun. You still mah son, muh. Mos def.
10/1/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): Ambitious. Incidentally, fantasies of biting off cocks and coming in three seconds would lead me to believe this was written by someone without a cock. Just an observation.
10/1/2004 Litcube: Benny, did you feel an unexplainable onset of nausea recently?
10/2/2004 scoop: affirmish/agreeish
10/2/2004 qualcomm: LAR LAR LAR! i'm consistently awed by dick vomit's ability to concisely evoke obscure aural/visual idioms.
10/2/2004 scoop: I'm more surprised at how he's able to keep his chin up what with all the laughably improbable obstacles he's had to overcome in his deeply troubled personal life. And how he's got funny sound signatures for that!
10/2/2004 qualcomm: i like how when he's telling you a story, he just starts quoting different people in it without first saying, "And then he said, and then she said." that's cool. also his afro.
10/4/2004 Dylan Danko: what obscure aural/visual idioms are you talking about?
10/4/2004 qualcomm: LAR LAR LAR - the sound someone makes while, with his/her mouth agape, he/she bobbles a round object on his/her tongue. (for example, what tom hanks does with a cherry in Big when he's hanging out in the big city with his still-young best friend).
10/4/2004 Dylan Danko: ah
10/4/2004 Dylan Danko: ah
10/4/2004 scoop: Pwaaaaaaa...
10/4/2004 Dick Vomit: Benny: he came in three light-minutes, not three seconds. But, yeah, I have a vadge (aka vag aka vaj).
10/4/2004 scoop: is it lined with a row of sharp, crooked teeth?
10/4/2004 TheBuyer: does it whisper? does it tell you to do things?
10/4/2004 Dick Vomit: Just trivial things. "Don't forget: cat food." Stuff like that. Directions. "It's a left up here on DeGraw." I like my Helper Vadge.
10/4/2004 Mr. Pony: Does it cause you to confuse units of distance with units of time?
10/4/2004 Dick Vomit: it's a man's vadge, Pony.
01/27/2005 Ewan Snow (5):
10/28/2005 Will Disney (5): a forgotten classic!
10/28/2005 Dick Vomit: Thanks, Bill Diz.