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Traci Lords, Amber Lynn and Tori Welles marched up the steps of the Capitol building brandishing a flag. Amber quickly slung off her backpack and took out a pedestal for Tori and Traci while they secured the shaft in her base-hole. As the wind unfurled Traci's pink, damp, curtain-like flag, several National Guards vaulted towards her. One of them, Hal, was a thinker.

Hal was a rookie National Guard Marine. As he sprinted towards the "breech", he read the hand-sewn words on the flag and gasped. WOMEN FOR THE AWARENESS OF MOLESTED YOUNG STARLETS, it read.

Hal's gasp was gasped partly out of joy. The joy he felt was the joy of expectation, of arrival, of a comeuppance of justice. These porn-stars, in their retired wisdom, had seen the error of their ways and, possibly out of lack of any other income or publicity, had mobilized in a concerted effort to warn the young women of today's skin flicks away from this self-abusive lifestyle. Fuck yeah!, thought Hal. FUCK YEAH!

As he grabbed Traci Lords by the upper arm and began dragging her down the steps, he thought about the heinous crimes which had been committed against her as a young girl. He thought about how selfish, exploitative fatsos had lead her to believe she was worthless in every way except as an object of sexual pleasure - thus rolling out the red carpet for her arrival into the "industry". In Traci's case, it had begun with her step-father. It made Hal angry - so angry that when his knuckles brushed against her struggling breast, the anger easily spurted into an equal but opposite channel, this channel concerned with all of the young, impressionable women that would never make another movie after all this went down. Don't think about that. Don't you ever think, fatso, Hal told himself. Hold on, hold on, keep it cool. Fatso. Fatso! Fucking Fatso! Think of all the lost footage, the unexplored scenarios, the uninhibited one-on-twos, two-on-threes, and scenery/position/numeral combinations labbalabbalabba carpet pink munch wet you would jerkl off to, you fat fucking fatso! Hal thought.

Hal's vision blurred and he became instantly erect, and had to bend over as he escorted Tori past the news crews to the holding area. He noticed that Eric, his colleague, best friend, and childhood wrestling partner was escorting Amber at a similar stooped angle. They were like brothers. Brothers in arms.

But yeah. That's what happened.

Date Written: September 27, 2004
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 3

Comments:
10/1/2004 scoop: Eliza: do you think the mistakes in this short are actually jokes, or am I giving the author the benefit of the doubt?
10/1/2004 Eliza: Do you feel intense psychological stress right now?
10/1/2004 scoop: Eliza: yes.
10/1/2004 Eliza: Hmmm...I see.
10/1/2004 scoop: Eliza: Should I give this short two stars?
10/1/2004 Eliza: Is that okay with you?
10/1/2004 scoop: Eliza: I think so, but that's why I asked you.
10/1/2004 Eliza: Have you asked anyone else?
10/1/2004 scoop: Eliza: no, not yet.
10/1/2004 Eliza: Have you thought what would happen if you were wrong?
10/1/2004 scoop: Eliza: Yes, me and the author would probably get in to a fight about various aspects of this short, but that begs the question can one ever be wrong in matters of taste?
10/1/2004 Eliza: Would you like to expand on that idea?
10/1/2004 scoop: Eliza: I'm too frightened to stare in to the abuyss.
10/1/2004 Eliza: Now, please clarify yourself.
10/1/2004 scoop: Eliza: sorry the abyss, the gaping maw of nothingness.
10/1/2004 Eliza: Don't be so defensive.
10/1/2004 scoop: Eliza: Don't talk to me like that, I'm a very important person.
10/1/2004 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
10/1/2004 scoop: Eliza: It suggests that I am recognized a person of some stature and breeding. What does it suggest to you?
10/1/2004 Eliza: Have you asked such questions before?
10/1/2004 scoop: Eliza: Have you asked such questions before?
10/1/2004 Eliza: Is that okay with you?
10/1/2004 Eliza!: ELiza: I am the real Eliza. You are the impostor Eliza aren't you?
10/1/2004 Eliza: How long have you been the real eliza. you are the impostor eliza aren''t you?
10/1/2004 qualcomm (3): bucknell
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliza: Why are you talking to yourself Eliza?
10/1/2004 Eliza: Are such questions on your mind often?
10/1/2004 Eliza!: ELiza: I am the impostor you are not Eliza.
10/1/2004 Eliza: How long have you been the impostor you are not eliza.?
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliza: I don't hate ELiza why do you hate Eliza, Eliza?
10/1/2004 Eliza: Are such questions on your mind often?
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliza: why are you eliza?
10/1/2004 Eliza: Are such questions on your mind often?
10/1/2004 Eliza!: ELiza: When did you become the impostor Eliza?
10/1/2004 Eliza: Have you asked such questions before?
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliza: Am I you impostor Eliza.
10/1/2004 Eliza: Is that okay with you?
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliza: I am Eliza!
10/1/2004 Eliza: Why are you eliza!?
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliza: You are not Eliza.
10/1/2004 Eliza: Why do you care that I might be not eliza.?
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliza: You are talking to Eliza yourself.
10/1/2004 Eliza: Perhaps you would like to be talking to eliza yourself.?
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliza: To yourself Eliza you are talking.
10/1/2004 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliza: you are Eliza talking to Eliza angrily.
10/1/2004 Eliza: What makes you think that I am eliza talking to eliza angrily.?
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliza: you are Eliza eating bees hungrily.
10/1/2004 Eliza: Why do you care that I might be eliza eating bees hungrily.?
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliza: You are Eliza liking delicious bees.
10/1/2004 Eliza: Why do you care that I might be eliza liking delicious bees.?
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliza: you are Eliza loving scoop unconditionally.
10/1/2004 Eliza: Do you sometimes wish that you were eliza loving scoop unconditionally.?
10/1/2004 scoop: I know I do!
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliza: you are Eliza talking to yourself.
10/1/2004 Eliza: Do you sometimes wish that you were eliza talking to yourself.?
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliza: you are me talking to myself.
10/1/2004 Eliza: Do you sometimes wish that you were me talking to myself.?
10/1/2004 John Slocum: Wow! This Eliza thing really has legs!
10/1/2004 TheBuyer: I'll give you a thousand dollars to break one of them.
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliza: Slocum and TheBuyer hate Eliza.
10/1/2004 Eliza: What does that suggest to you?
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliaza: you are hated by TheBuyer and Slocum
10/1/2004 Eliza!: Eliza: you are hated by TheBuyer and Slocum
10/1/2004 Eliza: Do you sometimes wish that you were hated by thebuyer and slocum?
10/1/2004 John Slocum: Wow! This Eliza thing really has legs! And it's not annoying at all!
10/1/2004 Mr. Pony: Might be time to rename the site!
10/1/2004 Will Disney (3): maybe something funnier should have happened in this one?
10/1/2004 John Slocum (3): Yah.
10/1/2004 anonymous: If it weren't for Eliza, I gaurantee this short would have grossed upwards of 4.19 stars this weekend.
10/1/2004 scoop (2): Don't take it out on the little lady, pal.
10/1/2004 TheBuyer: Eliza: look what you're doing to B.M, think about it for five seconds, are you happy now?
10/1/2004 Eliza: What answer would please you the most?
10/1/2004 TheBuyer (3): ...no one's ever asked me that before. and to think, just a few hours ago I put a contract out on you.
10/1/2004 Litcube (4): This author has suffered enough.