home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


“Later, when I’m fucking you from behind, I’m going to stick my finger in your ass. When I do, I want you say in a smutty English accent: ‘Ooooh! Yer stickin’ ya’ finga in me bum! Ya’ dirty, hairy Bobby!’ That will be something fresh and hot.”



“Oh yah, you like that? You like being fucked from behind by a limey cop? Now I’m gonna stick my finger in your ass. Here…”



“Hon’, I’m glad you had a great orgasm, but you didn’t do what I asked. Remember? Remember the stuff about the English policeman and the English accent?

“Ooops, sorry.”

Date Written: September 29, 2004
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 3.5

10/4/2004 qualcomm: conflated ripoff of my "i loi tuh suh yoh coh" conceit, as well as my jake kohler character. thank you.
10/4/2004 qualcomm: 550 math, 500 verbal
10/4/2004 qualcomm (3):
10/4/2004 anonymous: Big words like 'conflated' confuse me. Could you explain, using small words.
10/4/2004 qualcomm: rather than give you a fish, i'll teach you to catch your own by telling you to use a dictionary, or go to merriamwebster.com. (do you know what dictionary, with its daunting 10 letters, means?)
10/4/2004 anonymous: Oooops, sorry!
10/4/2004 qualcomm: oi loi t' suh yoh coh
10/4/2004 anonymous: OSS, I find the concept of your absolute ownership of ideas that you gathered from other sources particularly befuddling. Tell me, is there some sort of book that delineates your bizarre set of rules regarding intellectual property?
10/4/2004 anonymous: I took part of the first paragraph from a porno, not from OSS. The graf you're accusing of being like Jake Kohler has only a superficial similarity ('Hon’, I’m glad you had a great orgasm...'), totally unintentional, AND put to completely different use. YOU WON'T TAKE CREDIT FOR MY GENIUS!!!
10/4/2004 TheBuyer (4): I'll give your genius 4 stars.
10/4/2004 qualcomm: anon_a, i'll be happy to answer your question if you reveal yourself. i mean, i could assume that you're danko, but how would i really know?
10/4/2004 Otto: OSS, I'm surprised at you--showing such cowardice in the face of such a straightforward question!
10/4/2004 qualcomm: okay, maybe not 'happy,' but i'll do it.
10/4/2004 Litcube (3): This hits close to home. I empathize with that dude's frustration.
10/4/2004 anonymous: Hello everybody, Danko here! I certainly hope everyone is enjoying their afternoon. Good day!
10/4/2004 anonymous: Hi, Danko, it's me, Danko! douche.
10/4/2004 anonymous: Pistols at dawn, anon C??
10/4/2004 anonymous: What's the matter, OSS? Why won't you answer my question? Are you still thinking? That would explain the beads of sweat.
10/4/2004 anonymous: Daggars at dusk?
10/4/2004 anonymous: Good sir, I think you mean dagga
10/4/2004 anonymous: Yes, of course, thank you sir, for your blunt correction.
10/4/2004 anonymous: God, OSS is a jerk, huh?
10/4/2004 anonymous: OSS is a man of integrity and substance!
10/4/2004 anonymous: Indeed, and that horrible cough! If only he would cover his mouth! I shudder to think what would become of some unsuspecting commuter stricken with an airborne form of 'Lerpa.'
10/4/2004 TheBuyer: OSS, I'm not anon or a cat but I was wondering the same thing - where do you draw the line between treatment and larceny?
10/4/2004 TheBuyer: and I mean YOU not "you", dig?
10/4/2004 anonymous: Sorry, anon_d. You're absoslutly right about OSS! Absoslutly!
10/4/2004 anonymous: TheBuyer, I appreciate your desire to encourage intelligent dialogue, but dignifying OSS' ridiculous (and clockwork) claim that he is somehow the progenitor of the ideas in this short is nothing short of madness.
10/4/2004 anonymous: See? Like filling a neonatal ward with water and tossing a shark in.
10/4/2004 Mr. Pony: I thought this short was okay, if a little awkward. 3.4. By the way, I think Summer's behavior today proves that his dedication to the principles of Acme Shorts outweighs any personal restraint problems or chronic emotional issues he might be facing. I would make the humble but firm suggestion that his administrative privileges be restored immediately.
10/4/2004 Mr. Pony (3):
10/4/2004 TheBuyer: damn, he's gone [censored].
10/4/2004 TheBuyer: what the hell, I can say 'fuck a dead hooker' and not [censored]?
10/4/2004 Mr. Pony: What are you [censored]ying to say?
10/4/2004 Mr. Pony: Hah!
10/4/2004 TheBuyer: nothin bad just [censored]
10/4/2004 anonymous: REVENGE VOTE JIHAD ON OSS!
10/4/2004 anonymous: Agreed.
10/4/2004 Mr. Pony: Summer's just trying to make the site more secure, guys. He's working with Disney to patch the security holes. Of course, no one'll be able to say certain things again, but we'll adjust.
10/4/2004 TheBuyer: Okay! Kind of like that aggressive hack written for hotmail and yahoo. No one really says [censored], or [censored] anyway.
10/4/2004 qualcomm: Smartie Jones in THE CAVE - Fleeing from the Empress of Denmark, Smartie and the robot find themselves in a wet cave, arguing as usual. inside, they find some robots, including a SEXY GIRL ROBOT. Nothing here about the Spa, or the saratoga meet. Just the further adventures of Smartie Jones. Meta data, meta data, meta data. Also the Denmark Soccerball Team. And the Robot's in it too. What will happen to Smartie Jones?
10/4/2004 anonymous: I expect that kind of crap from Pony, but I never would have figured you to be an apologist, TheBuyer. What about the rest of you? Are you all fucking cowards and collaborators like fucking Pony & TheBuyer here? OSS just broke the site and crapped up this short because he couldn't respond to some simple questions about his megalomaniacal demands! His fucking Weltenshaung just doesn't take kindly to scrutiny! Let's start spreading some fucking ones!
10/4/2004 qualcomm:
10/4/2004 TheBuyer: I've been playing with an energetic puppy all weekend, I can't help it.
10/4/2004 anonymous: You've all made a mockery of this site today. All of you anonymous voters, who should spend your time more productively, have wasted everyone's time.
10/4/2004 scoop: Even youhave to admit, author, that he picked a handsome [censored].
10/4/2004 Litcube: Shit piss cock cunt asshole motherfucker & tits.
10/4/2004 Litcube: Interesting.
10/4/2004 TheBuyer: This isn't television, those words are okay. Just don't type [censored].
10/5/2004 Chance the Gardener (4): Sooo sooo dirty...but funny!
10/6/2004 The Rid (4): My God, that's funny.