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I was out raking leaves when I heard a voice whisper my name. "Ronald," the voice called, "Ronald."

I stopped raking to listen. Nothing. But a few minutes later: "Ronald... Ronald."

I spun around. There was only the stump of an old apple tree.

"Ronald," it said.

"What the-"

"Don't you remember me, Ronald? You used to climb me and swing from my branches when you were a child."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said, giving the stump a couple of hard smacks with my rake.

"You told me your innermost secrets, Ronald, and I held you to my corky heart. As you whiled away your summers in my phloemish bosom, you told me of your hopes and dreams, which I nurtured."

"Nope, sorry, I just don't recall. Now if you don't mind, I've some yardwork--"

"Think, Ronald. Remember. You used to care for me. I was your mother and father. When you needed shade from the sun, my leaves provided it."

"I really should be going," I began, sensing a sermon coming on.

"And when you required sustenance, I gave you my fruit, and nourished you."

"Uh huh."

"And when you desired a new tool shed last summer, I gave you my body, sacrificing my very lifesap for you."

"Ohhhh, now I remember you! You're that fucking giving tree!"


"Anyway, it's been swell catching up..."



"Is there anything else I can give you?"

"No, I'm cool."

"There must be something. I want to give you something, Ronald."

"No, like I said, I'm cool."

"Please Ronald, let me express my love in some way."

"Well there is one thing..."

"Oh, thank you, Ronald. Tell me, tell me what it is."

"Would you kindly shut the fuck up," I hissed, my voice strangled with hatred as I beat the stump now in earnest with the rake's handle, blow upon vicious blow. "Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, I'm trying to do some fucking yardwork here, you stupid fucking cunt, will you let me work?!"

For a moment, it was quiet. Then, "Yes, Ronald. I'm sorry to bother you. Yes, I'll be quiet now."

I was panting too hard to reply. I just nodded my head. Then, well it may seem hypocritical, folks, but I was pretty tuckered out after all that, so I dropped my rake and sat down on the giving tree. That stupid fucking giving tree.

Date Written: October 04, 2004
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.16667

10/11/2004 Will Disney (4): somehow i'm giving this a 3.5
10/11/2004 Will Disney: for tone, and for being so crazy. i didn't think it was so funny.
10/11/2004 Dylan Danko (4): ...you told me your hopes and dreams, which I nurtured. Author, was that construction intentional, which I liked?
10/11/2004 scoop (3): While I admire the execution shown here, and can dig the spirit in which it was written, this just seems like too easy a target. It's like throwing rocks at Jonathan Livingston Seagull or building a strip mall Where the Sidewalk Ends. These are all ventures I completely endorse with my valubale brand name, but they don't seem interesting in their own right.
10/11/2004 anonymous: the tree's not really the target. [asshole?]
10/11/2004 Litcube (4): This wasn't funny, but silly counts for something. I like silly. This was so silly!
10/11/2004 Mr. Pony (4): I thought it was pretty funny. Some good moments, like when Ronald first hits the tree with his rake. Thought the sci-fi angle was unnecessary, though.
10/11/2004 anonymous: sci-fi?
10/11/2004 Mr. Pony: Sorry, 'bout that, Sport. Just checking something. Disregard.
10/11/2004 Jon Matza (5): Call me a sentimentalist...agree this may be an easy target, but that doesn't mean whatever abuse it gets isn't well-deserved/gratifying.
10/11/2004 Christopher Reeve: This sucks.
10/11/2004 Terence Stamp: I dunno, I think it's pretty good.
10/11/2004 TheBuyer (4): [censored]
10/11/2004 [Censored]: what?
10/11/2004 George Reeves: Fuck you, Chris, you rip-off hack job!
10/12/2004 The Rid (5): There's just something funny about getting angry at the giving tree.
01/27/2005 The Rid: I love this fucking short.
04/25/2006 Master Bates (4.5):