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As Eric Schwartz' Fecal Submarine No. 11,547 broke the fragile surface of the toilet water, Captain Jim hollered at his men. Dive! Dive!, he hollered. Captain Jim was like Captain Gordon and Ahab combined. He was like any archetypal captain, except for he lived in a submarine of shit.
The crew were all running around the place and knocking into tables and equipment, and there were red lights flashing. Steam hissed out of pipes, too. It all looked profesh. Captain Jim loved his job but got the butterflies every time just before a shit. This was an extremely stressful part of the trip. The rest was all in tubes of one sort or another, and easily navigable.
We've got three seconds till flush! Prepare for flush!, Captain Jim bellowed. His men feared and respected and loved him. The "Cap", they called him. The Cap looked through his periscope: a large, death-like shroud of used toilet paper was blocking his view, quickly soaking up water and taking them under. Dive more! Dive more! Cap'n Jim kept ordering. The men hit buttons and thrust levers to indulge him, but they knew it was just for show, as they were all inside a large piece of Eric Schwartz' shit.
Date Written: October 06, 2004
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 4.5
Comments:
10/13/2004 qualcomm (4): is captain jim inside all of eric schwartz's shit?
10/13/2004 Will Disney: i believe there'd be a different captain in each shit, right?
10/13/2004 Mr. Pony: I think a close reading of the text indicates that Summer is right! How can that be? How can the same man be inside every shit-submarine? That's impossible!
10/13/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Unless...he somehow clung to some crud on the toilet pipe and climbed out at night and back into Eric Schwartz's ass, to be shat again.
10/13/2004 TheBuyer (4): Schwart's amazing cloning asshole, four stars. So, is every little shit a new submarine? Even the kind that break off halfway? What about liquid shit, do they have hovercraft captains?
10/13/2004 Litcube (4): Perhaps Eric only shits once per lifetime.
10/13/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (5): Yeah! Fuck yeah!
10/13/2004 Jon Matza (5): 4.5. Several Crunge gags here.
10/13/2004 John Slocum (4): Very enjoyable and fun.
10/14/2004 scoop: Hey Maniacs: Is this the same Jim who, in a fit of desperation and spasmodic self-interest, leaped off of a fecal merchant ship, where he was assigned as an officer, thinking it was sinking, leaving all the passengers to their watery doom only to realize later that the ship had only minor damage afterward drifted in the harmlessly brought to dock some time later, who, in the wake of the scadal stared in to his inner being during a public, and very embarrassing trial, and, wracked by cowardice and dishonor of this defining action, drifted, literally and existentially, consumed his conscience and driven by the destructive element within himself, until settling on a remote post in Patusan, marrying the ravishing half-caste Jewel and finally finding peace for his 'inscrutanble heart' in a violent death defending the "savage" Patsuan peoples, who it turns out were far more "civil" then the deranged "refined" Gentleman Brown? Is this the same guy or no?
10/14/2004 qualcomm: author, i would have given you a five if you had addressed the whole issue of "floaters" versus "sinkers". how could you have ignored this topic? for shame.
10/14/2004 Benny Maniacs (1): SCOOP: Yes. OSS: Yes.
10/14/2004 Mr. Pony (5): I admit I didn't see it at first, but this is glorious.
10/15/2004 scoop (5): I'll give this a five trusting that the author had the breadth and scope of Conrad in mind while writing this. If I find he was lying to me I'll one star all of his shorts that I have not yet voted on.
10/15/2004 qualcomm: it's fun to be extra nice to maniacs, isn't it, pony and scoop?