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Dear Sir or Madam,
Congratulations! To be concubined by King Midas is a true honor, and we hope you realize how lucky you are. However, your new position does not come without dangers. Please find below the suggested prophylactory measures.
While fellating King Midas, please use the enclosed 24 carat dental dam. Not only would your failure to use this render you a golden monument to imbecilia, it might damage His Majesty's member. Also, remember to don the enclosed 24 carat earmuffs in case His Majesty has the urge to "drive". Should His Majesty decide to do you in the ass, resist at first, but if he is persistent, clad your rectum in the enclosed 24 carat protective sheath. Please resist the urge to embrace His Majesty or fondle his testicles, without wearing the enclosed 24 carat gloves. And at all times wear the enclosed 24 carat false buttocks, lest His Majesty involuntarily take hold of your nether regions in the throes of pleasure.
So please take a moment to think of your personal welfare, that King Midas may enjoy your services in the future, if he so wishes.
Sincerely,
Tabitha Lewis
Castle Nurse
Date Written: October 16, 2004
Author: Streifenbeuteldachs
Average Vote: 4
Comments:
10/25/2004 Will Disney (5): fantastic!!!
10/25/2004 Litcube (5): Sweden.
10/25/2004 Turgid (5):
10/25/2004 qualcomm (3):
10/25/2004 TheBuyer: OSS, allow me - Genuine, electroplated 18K gold
10/25/2004 qualcomm: you're right -- i should give it even less for being a ripoff
10/25/2004 Litcube: You two are right! This short mentions the word "gold"! It's a total blatant rip off. Or maybe.. both said shorts are ripping off THIS site!
10/25/2004 qualcomm: yeah, calm down there, litcube, i was joking.
10/25/2004 TheBuyer: Litcube - The twinning of the repeated phrase [24 carat and genuine electroplated 18k] the megalomaniac, and the whole gold thing. Not to say this author ripped him off, the format is completely different, but he wrote a short with a similar gag. Also, I had a problem with carat vs karat until I looked it up.
10/25/2004 Litcube: I was serious!
10/25/2004 TheBuyer (4): All that working out and going to bed early is clearly bad for you, maybe we can get you stoned and spraypaint something in a closed space sometime, pep you up a bit. 3.5 rounded up for "Dear Sir or Madam."
10/25/2004 Mr. Pony: I would like to point out that the fact that gold can be used as an insulator against Midas' transmutative powers tells us a great deal about how his ability works. Consider: Midas, to impress his brunch guests, decides to turn a simple corn muffin into gold. With a single finger he touches the corn muffin on the apex of its craggy peak. If Midas' powers radiated out continually from his person, the thinnest layer of corn muffin would be turned into gold, and then the reaction would actually stop; the rest of the muffin insulated from Midas' touch by the newly formed skin of gold. It would seem that Nurse Lewis is telling the truth, and gold is indeed effective protection against the transformation. Therefore, it seems more reasonable that the reaction travels like a wave through the material, each atom passing the transformation on to the next. Midas' touch teaches the material to become gold, and the lesson is passed on to like material, rather like the fictional Ice-9 in Kurt Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle. This raises other questions, such as why his powers seem to affect only discrete objects (a ball, a daughter, etc.) and not simply continuous matter (such as the entire kingdom). If this is indeed the case, why would gold be needed to stop the reaction? Is it possible that King Midas' powers are psionic in nature? Could it be that he himself decides where one object begins and ends, and gold holds a special unique significance for him (because of his power and/or greed)? This seems rather far-fetched. More likely, it would follow that any break or transition in the affected material will do; and, after several years of Midas' reign, 24 carat gold is simply the most plentiful material on hand; and that Nurse Lewis is a stinking filthy liar, although probably kind of hot.
10/25/2004 Mr. Pony (3): (on an unrelated note, 3.4)
10/25/2004 Jon Matza: Also, in addition to what Pony said the concubines are lucky it wasn't King Monish. Why? because Monish eats gold.
10/26/2004 The Rid (5):
10/26/2004 scoop (3): Hey Mr. Pony, is your pocket protector made of gold? Is that how you know so much about gold?
10/26/2004 Mr. Pony: I know NOTHING about gold!
10/26/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (3): Maybe it is a radius effect, like a Frost Dragon's "cone of frost" maybe objects outside the area of Midas simply won't be affected unless Midas aims his "intent" at them.
I'd like to think that if he pointed "himself" one direction long enough, everything in that "cone of gold" would be transmuted. That would kick ass.
03/31/2005 Templeton Dink (4):