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- Honey, I’m hoooome! Honey? OH MY GOD!

- Alfred! What are you doing home so early?

- Never mind that. Who is this, and what are you… doing with him?

- This is Jeff. He’s our mailman. And we’re Qumping.

- Qumping? Never heard of it. It looks positively revolting. What’s that coming out of your ass?

- That’s my duodenum, turned inside out.

- But it’s… stretched over Jeff’s head like a pantyhose. Oh Christ, it’s all too much to bear. Why, Cassandra? Don’t we have a satisfactory level of intimacy?

- Actually, no, Alfred. I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but 99.9% of the world Qumps for intimacy, and we don't talk about it with the minority who doesn’t. You wouldn’t understand. It’d be like explaining sex to a 3-year-old. But the intimacy I am experiencing now with Jeff the mailman dwarfs what I have with you through, what is for me, the extremely sterile, distant and unintimate act of fucking.

- Is that his…

- Yes, it’s his kidney, exposed, through Qumping, to the light of day. Oh God… Oh G..god

- What? Are you hurt? Your face is palsied and ashen! Oh my God! Now it’s turning purple!

- It’s okay, Alfred… Phew. I was just experiencing a very powerful Qumpgasm, heightening my sense of unparalelled intimacy with Jeff.

- Oh God, the closeness… the touching… what I’ve taken for intimacy has been just a shadow… a lie… how tragic the wisdom that profits not the wise... my whole world is falling to pieces… beware… the ides of intimacy…

- Honey, you can always file a claim for lost intimacy, if it’s any consolation.

- I can?

- Sure!

- How late’s the post office open today?

- 6 o’clock.

- Great, I’m going to go file a claim. A claim for lost intimacy. Bye Cassandra!

- Bye!

- Bye Jeff!

- Mmph.


Date Written: October 21, 2004
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.33333

10/28/2004 TheBuyer: Oh shit, that made me laugh out loud. Cherry infomercial line 'Qumping? Never heard of it.'
10/28/2004 TheBuyer (5):
10/28/2004 Mr. Pony: Your face is palsied and ashen!
10/28/2004 Dylan Danko (4): This was quite great but went on too long. I'm fouring it with a twinge of reluctance. I'll make it up to the author in the bedroom.
10/28/2004 Litcube (4): This reminds me of Bob. Bob was fat and ugly, while his wife was really hot. Bob openly hit on other chicks and his wife totally didn't care. I'm not quite sure why this reminds me of Bob so much.
10/28/2004 Mr. Pony: Kind of agree with you, Dylan. While it seems a just a little familiar and goes on a little long, it contains a great many delicious items. Please make it up to the author for me in the bedroom.
10/28/2004 Dick Vomit (5): I am 1000% down with this shit.
10/28/2004 The Rid (4): I'm thoroughly repulsed, but since I didn't know that it was similar to another short, 4 stars. Doesn't "Ides" mean fifteen?
10/28/2004 Mr. Pony (4): Personally, I don't think a short's similarity (structural or otherwise) to another should hurt it, unless it doesn't add anything at all to well-covered ground. For the record, I don't think this particular short is guilty of that. Let that be reflected in the record. Can someone please read back the record?
10/28/2004 The Rid: I didn't mean to suggest that I would dock points for similarity (or originality), because I wouldn't. That was an error in syntax. Or something. Priceless title, by the way.
10/28/2004 Benny Maniacs (5): This has a sort of Charles Schultz quality to it, which makes me think it's Pony, but it also reminds me of certrain disgusting short stoies of the Lerpa. Mph.
10/28/2004 Mr. Pony: Charles Schulz? I'll kill you and eat you.
10/28/2004 Jon Matza (4): Is lost intimacy the same as alienation of affection? (Danko?) "How tragic the wisdom that profits not the wise" was 'zenge.
10/28/2004 Jon Matza: Lozenge, that is.
10/28/2004 scoop: I really like the bilogically driven creepiness behind this short, but feel like Author didn't have the balls (or fillopian tubes) to see it tom the end. Very Ballard like notion of habving to explore new possibilities of the human body when the regular orifi will no longer do...Am reluctatnt to give it a four because of the Jumbo Lump idea, and hesitant to to give it a five for its cowardice. Will wait to see who the author is and then decide. It's my birthday and I can do whatever I want.
10/28/2004 scoop: Alright, I'll make a deal with you skells. If it's OSS, I'll give it a five. If it's anyone else, I'll give it a four. How'd that be?
10/28/2004 TheBuyer: do you remember the title it had when it was in q?
10/28/2004 Mr. Pony: Dude, it's your birthday; express your low expectations of Summer any way you like.
10/28/2004 Ewan Snow (5): Gross. At least he can file a claim.
10/28/2004 The Rid: I seem to recall the title as, "Cry Havoc, and Let Slip the Wages of Intimacy."
10/28/2004 Mr. Pony: Coming Soon: The Wages of Intimacy
10/28/2004 TheBuyer: how many friggin times am I going to fall for that
10/28/2004 Will Disney (5):
10/28/2004 Will Disney: this one is brilliant!
10/28/2004 qualcomm (5): yeah
10/29/2004 scoop: "yeah"
10/29/2004 John Slocum (4): I scarcely think this is the proper forum for you to air out your intimacy issues, Ol' Summer. Takes one to know one.
10/29/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (5): I looked at Mr. Pony's link and the first thought that came to my mind was "Wow, free broadband."
11/4/2004 TREE (5):
08/11/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (3): Would have been four, had it ended right before "- Honey, you can always file a claim for lost intimacy, if it’s any consolation."
08/11/2005 scoop: What does the mailman have to say about all this?
08/11/2005 Dylan Danko: Number 1 on google for Qumping.
08/11/2005 Mr. Pony: "Mmph"?
03/5/2012 Mr. Pony: Well, now Google just thinks I'm looking for "camping". Welcome to the bright and shiny future, brothers and sisters.
03/11/2012 Marvin_Bernstein (3): from the makers of midget porn :)
03/29/2012 Marvin_Bernstein: I hate the mailman we have now