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As Autumn whispered through the dying leaves up in the trees, clusters of swirling lights atop the assembled patrol cars below splashed across their damp trunks and the stone wall that separated Central Park from Fifth Avenue. The few intrepid New Yorkers who'd braved the inclement weather that morning had found their strolls interrupted. They gaped now as their grey faces went red, then white then grey again in the rhythmless light of emergency. A frigid drizzle pattered their shoulders and backs. The cobblestones went a coal black.
Gary Eckstein, a 20-year-old engineering student at Columbia who'd quit his meds, had apparently brained an orthodontist with a t-square and choked the doctor's Rhodesian Ridgeback with his bare hands. Following a brief tussle with responding officers, Eckstein was hauled off to Central Booking. "I just wanted to live freely," was all Eckstein was able to say in defense of his actions.
Detective Fanorelli stepped behind the tape, lit a Kent Ultra Light and tugged the collar of his topcoat up around his ears. He sucked in a deep, hot, crackling drag, letting his rheumy eyes hopscotch over the faces in the crowd, when he spotted Mona Goldblum talking to her Chihuahua about its behavior. Goldblum, 26, stood out like a fucking daffodil in her smart Sieze sur Vingt suit, knee-high boots and little bag. Fanorelli watched Goldblum's fragile thousand-dollar mutt lift a furtive paw, take two steps back, hunch its ass to the ground and spin, casting its eyes up at her. The dog fucking vibrated. Fanorelli wanted to vomit. "Let's go, mister! If you refuse to behave!" Mona said, and started away.
When Fanorelli heard the staccato pounding of her bootheels on the pavement, though, he felt that familiar tumescence. What was it about these bitchy, high maintenance chicks in boots, he wondered, with their fast walking and their perfect posture? Fucking BOOTS. God damn right. He gave his cock a squeeze and headed back to the Job.
Date Written: October 21, 2004Comments:
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 4.58333
10/27/2004 TheBuyer: The first two graphs could be unrelated to the second two and either or both of the first two could be removed and the short would still make sense. I feel scared, and confused.
10/27/2004 Jon Matza (5): Don't feel like thinking about why I liked this...
10/27/2004 qualcomm: "the dog fucking vibrated" is the best example of tiny dog behavior/appearance on acme since cooper green's description of a similar animal's "bottom row of razor-sharp teeth which are on constant display".
10/27/2004 qualcomm: is detective fanorelli played by dennis farina?
10/27/2004 anonymous: More bang for your buck, TheBuyer. Farina? Sure. He's a generic enough wop.
10/27/2004 TheBuyer (4): ok!
10/27/2004 Litcube (4): Buyer, in your first comment, is your second sentence unrelated to the first?
10/27/2004 TheBuyer: uh, lessee...nope, not this time. The second sentence is related to the first; I'm feeling much better now.
10/28/2004 John Slocum (5): He gave his cock a squeeze. Tumescence (and variations) - popular word today.
10/28/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Reading this was a pleasant experience!
10/28/2004 The Rid (5): Genius. Sheer genius. A darkly comic detective story with a sexually haunted lead. One of the top 5 shorts I've ever read.
10/28/2004 qualcomm: interesting. one jew, eckstein, chokes a large dog, a rhodesian ridgeback. then, at the crime scene, another jew, a jewess, a hot one, loiters with her small dog. this causes in an italian, fanorelli. the author is italian. what could it all mean?
10/28/2004 qualcomm: **causes tumescence in an italian**
10/28/2004 scoop (5): Being an expert on the odors, colors, smells, textures, fugs, fumes, lies, beauty, wonder, deviousness, brutality, rotteness, poetry, triplicate forms, IPOs, two-for-one bargains and chemical breakdown of the mean streets, I noticed some minor discrepancise between this short and reality. That being said, decent work from a promising young writer.
10/30/2004 qualcomm (5): ladyhole
01/30/2005 The Rid: DV, for the record, I still think this is one of the finest things I've ever read on Acmeshorts.
01/30/2005 Jon Matza: Further, this should've been listed as one of the 'good' shorts on DV's author application. His having failed to do so seems odd. Suspect; problematic.
01/30/2005 Dick Vomit: Yeah, man.
01/30/2005 Mr. Joshua (5): The alliance, V-Dog, the alliance.
02/21/2005 John Slocum: He gave his cock a squeeze.
02/21/2005 John Slocum: I SAID, 'HE GAVE HIS COCK A SQUEEZE.'
02/21/2005 Dick Vomit: Yeah, he did. He squeezed the Hell out of it!!!!!!!!!
02/22/2005 John Slocum: Thank you, I loved that line in the short.
02/22/2005 John Slocum: It's a real regular, everyday kind of action that we (cock-possessers) all do regularly, but it's kind of private and perhaps some of us (danko) feel shame in doing it, and so try to do it on the sly. The line gives the reader a real up close and personal proximity with character. I also like your having turned a word that we normally see as a verb into a noun.
02/22/2005 Dick Vomit: My pleasure, ok?
08/31/2005 Jon Matza: Hey DV: didn't you recently claim never to have written a short that didn't receive at least one 3 star vote? This odd discrepancy reminds me of the words of Thomas Paine: "When a man has so far corrupted and prostituted the chastity of his mind as to subscribe his professional belief to things he does not believe he has prepared himself for the commission of every other crime."
08/31/2005 Dick Vomit: Hey, yeah. I done found out I was wrong!
08/31/2005 The Rid: This short is lovely. Just gorgeous.
08/31/2005 Hitler (3): Sorry author, I found this nicely written but ultimately misogynist, degrading and offensive.
08/31/2005 Dick Vomit: Ah, Hitler, you cunt. You three-starring little cunt. I know who you are, and this is the lowest thing you ever done. You have undermined every weel-wrought argument in your long, long Acme history. Fuck you to death, with razors, you fucking scum-cunted fuck.
08/31/2005 Dick Vomit: WEEL
08/31/2005 Dick Vomit: Who among you thinks what Hitler just did is beyond reproach?
08/31/2005 anonymous: That's pretty low, Hitler, you cunt. I guess that's why you're Hitler.
08/31/2005 Great Satan (5): You're still crazy, Hilter. Back in your room!
08/31/2005 Ewan Snow: DV, you know that "beyond reproach" means, like, good, right?
08/31/2005 Dick Vomit: Ewan.
08/31/2005 Ewan Snow (4): Good short, though. 4 + 1 cuz I like the cut of your mizzen.
08/31/2005 Ewan Snow: Oops. I guess your mizzen isn't so great after all!
08/31/2005 Ewan Snow: (though pending further evaluation of your mizzen, I owe you a star!)
08/31/2005 Dick Vomit: Truth be told, I always thought of it like, it's so god damned bad it;s BEYOND. But now I am thinking beyond contempt beneath contempt beyond reproach before reproach juxtaposed to disdain and so forth
08/31/2005 Ewan Snow: AHA! No extra star for you! Yes, there's "beneath contempt" and its opposite, "beyond reproach". Note that there is also “above the boards”, “below the radar”, and “beyond compare”.
08/31/2005 Dick Vomit: You got me, you rascal!
08/31/2005 Ewan Snow: Dude, I was just joking anyways...
08/31/2005 Jon Matza: Also Before Sunrise, a passionate and intelligent romance starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. In the course of their 14-hour relationship, the two share in their love for the unrehearsed and their appreciation for the unexpected as they explore in a powerful meeting of hearts and minds. I urge you to see this absolutely wonderful film.
08/31/2005 Dick Vomit: Matza's comment is before repast.