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Poor Horace...!

You sir, kind sir, will give meatburg for Horace…? (Horace so very hungry is… )

Good sir! Allow mercy on sorrowful Horace. No harm means Horace.

Sad Horace hungry all day for meatburg...

...but meatburg Mr. Goldscheiger does not give!

Kind sir, pity poor Horace. To help Mr. Goldscheiger walk, staff from limb of tree Horace makes. Water for Mr. Goldscheiger Horace carries; good meat of cow and pig Horace to Mr. Goldscheiger brings...

Why no such meat then will Mr. Goldscheiger give to Horace?

So many days for small meatburg does Horace beg Mr. Goldscheiger! But with voice of anger Mr. Goldscheiger at Horace shout; with cruel thrashings Mr. Goldscheiger hurt Horace. And make he eat not juicy meatburg of cow and pig but very bad meat of fly and worm! Many tears from eye of Horace fall. Bad meat Horace like not.

Kind sir, you will please pity Horace...? To Horace give meatburg so juicy he wish to eat?

Oh good sir—why look you on Horace with eyes of anger…? Horace feel afraid.

Oh, sir! What strange mask you wear is this? Frightened is Horace…

Oh no, s-sir! You are Mr. G-Mr. G-G-G…!

Oh Mr. Goldscheiger, forgive bad Horace! Ungrateful, wicked Horace! For no meatburg asks wretched Horace, no meatburg wishes—AAAAAGGGHHH! No, Mr. Goldscheiger! Staff of tree hurt Horace! Frightened is Horace!

Date Written: October 22, 2004
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 3.4

Comments:
11/1/2004 Ewan Snow: Um....
11/1/2004 qualcomm (4): 3.4 or 3.6 -- the sentence inversions are too gollum, and it goes on way longer than is necessary.
11/1/2004 John Slocum: What's happening here: "Oh, sir! What strange mask you wear is this? Frightened is Horace… Oh no, s-sir! You are Mr. G-Mr. G-G-G…! "
11/1/2004 TheBuyer: This is giving me a wicked case of the 'tards.
11/1/2004 anonymous: Slocum-the idea was that the "kind sir" Horace is speaking to throughout the short pulls off his mask in a rage to reveal that he is none other than Mr. Goldscheiger, the cruel oppressor Horace has been complaining about! Goldscheiger proceeds to beat Horace with the staff Horace mentioned earlier having made for Goldscheiger.
11/1/2004 qualcomm: oh, i missed that. i thought horace was so upset by mr. goldscheiger's enraged expression, he calls it a mask. a mask of rage.
11/1/2004 Litcube: Hrm.
11/1/2004 qualcomm: anyway, this a solid indictment of how the jew, embodied in goldscheiger, subjugates the negro, embodied in horace.
11/1/2004 qualcomm: (through the carrot of mcdonald's, embodied in the meatburg, and the stick of thrashings, embodied in goldscheiger's staff)
11/1/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: I dunno about this one. I think the pidgin gets a little labored. And I think "Herr Goldscheiger" rolls off the tongue better than "Mr."
11/1/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Also, I thought he was addressing Mr. G (respected figures are often addressed in the 3rd person), so the revelation threw me for a little loop.
11/1/2004 anonymous: Yes. As the narrative unfolds, Horace metamorphasizes into a tragic, almost Binksian figure.
11/1/2004 TheBuyer: So then is this a dialogue between a masked person and a gimp, a monologue with inner monologue, or some third thing. I want to like this because I have thing for idiot man-child canings/general abuse but I can't wrap my head around the format.
11/1/2004 anonymous: Jumping Beelzebubs! Buyer: Horace accosts a strange gentleman to beg for a meatburg. To appeal to the gentleman's pity Horace tells about being exploited/oppressed by the villainous Goldscheiger. This takes up the bulk of the short. Suddenly the stranger tears off his mask--not an S&M mask, merely a disguise; think Scooby-Doo villain--to reveal that he is Goldscheiger. Presumably 'scheiger has suspicions about Horace's loyalty and has gone through this rigamarole to entrap him. Then he thrashes him with his staff. Result: we, the audience, laugh and clap with gleeful pleasure.
11/1/2004 anonymous: I do see Streif&tc's point about how it could be read that way, and apologize for any grief or confusion that has resulted.
11/1/2004 anonymous: I mean "...may have resulted". Further apologies etc.
11/1/2004 qualcomm: wait, so then where is meatburg?
11/1/2004 TheBuyer (4): Okay, thanks!
11/1/2004 John Slocum (3):
11/1/2004 The Rid (3): Eh?
11/1/2004 qualcomm: somewhat Krugerish
11/1/2004 Dick Vomit (3): What fresh hell? Do guest votes even count?
11/1/2004 anonymous: The preceding discussion illustrates a sad truth about voting: under the corrupt current system (equally weighted author and guest votes), the intellectually superior authors have to dumb down their shorts to the guests' remedial/subliterate comprehension level if they want to keep their scores up. True, the aesthetic compromise this entails may appear nothing short of criminal to the disinterested observer. Then again, if our goal is to add tarnish rather than lustre to the site, one must admit it's an inspired policy.
11/1/2004 TheBuyer: I completely agree with everything in that last statement up to the second to last sentence where it turns smartypants.
11/1/2004 Litcube: I used my big toe to cover up your first and last sentence, Buyer, and I can't understand a damn thing you're trying to say.
11/2/2004 John Slocum: Hey, howcome it's before midnight and I can see the author?
11/2/2004 scoop: EST
11/2/2004 TheBuyer: Whichever server acmeshorts is on is still EDT. That or it's in Saskatchewan.
11/2/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Foolish Easterners! I mock your being in the same timezone as the site. I see the new shorts at midnight every stinking day. I then have the whole night to ponder them in my dreams, after which I arrive refreshed the next morning with insightful commentary, and shit.
04/12/2010 qualcomm: i owe you a star.