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The Mad Scientist’s Back Room Dealings

“I need more infants, Goddamnit!” The professor shook while loading the hair triggered pistols.

“I don’t suppose this experiment is in any way ethical?” asked a three-breasted hooker with an eye for detail.

“Ethical? ethical? I’ll show you ethics you three titty bitch. Preven, Preven...where are you? Bring in the fucking death ray!”

Date Written: January 26, 1996
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 4.7647

01/26/1996 anonymous (5):
06/12/2003 Ewan Snow (5): This one rocks, if I do say so myself...
04/7/2004 qualcomm (5):
07/9/2004 scoop (5): An essential. Don't know how I missed this one. I guess I lack an eye for detail.
01/4/2005 TheBuyer (5):
01/4/2005 Will Disney (5):
01/4/2005 Will Disney: ha
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua (5):
01/4/2005 cuntry (5):
01/4/2005 Cyrus (5):
01/4/2005 Dylan Danko (5):
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: Why no comments? I am Snow and I am quite irritated by this. The name Preven is rump-loin, for example.
01/4/2005 TheBuyer: check his link in the message boards for an explaination.
01/4/2005 Acme Shorts: and check a certain Kids in the Hall skit for "Preven". what a swindler that ewan is.
01/4/2005 TREE (1):
01/4/2005 TREE: now that's much better isn't it
01/4/2005 Dick Vomit (5):
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: What was explained? I just got a page that said "your vote has already been recorded" or something.
01/4/2005 qualcomm: you're a real technodunce, 'za
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: why come it didn't record a 5 for the Z-Dog?
01/4/2005 qualcomm: because he already voted, you nerd
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: What's with the shrill tone, brother? Was it something I said? Let us try to HEAL the rift that is causing you so much distress. Together. I am holding out my arms to you.
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: where's the vote, then, shitbagger?
01/4/2005 Ewan Snow: Mr. Joshua, he probably voted on this back at the Dawn of Acme, when you could vote anonymously and the vote would be invisible.
01/4/2005 qualcomm: you are both retards. his vote didn't show because it was made without comment in the days of yore, before (No Comment) would appear automatically with a commentless vote.
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: Notice the difference in tone between your response and Ewan's, both of which convey the same information. Perhaps the joys of parenthood would mellow you some. Even Z-Dog has retracted his fangs in the aftermath of the tragedy in Asia.
01/4/2005 qualcomm: ewan's just being conciliatory in hopes no one will complain about his highly illegal vote garnering.
01/4/2005 Ewan Snow: Dude, that's what I meant. It's amazing how this web site brings out the worst in you, qc.
01/4/2005 Ewan Snow: I missed these last comments before I posted, but agree with Mr. J. And my tone has nothing to do with my dirty vote squeezing trick. I counted on some people giving me retribution votes if they were pissed off.
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: I say we hash it all out over a bottle of heavily discounted wine.
01/4/2005 Ewan Snow: Okay.
01/4/2005 anonymous: Qualcomm I have been skimming through the site and see that you have not changed at all. You have been hostile on all the comments you have posted and yet I also see shock and surprise in all the responses to your hostility. Why are all your compatriots so slow? Do they really expect a change?
01/4/2005 Ewan Snow: FU anon_a.
01/4/2005 anonymous: Really? I am unsurprised at this pathetic attempt, disappointed but unsurprised.
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: What about the discounted wine, Slocum?
01/4/2005 anonymous: I bet you can get us all a good deal on Thunderbird or maybe Applejack? C'mon tell us which you prefer?
01/4/2005 qualcomm: 'least i never requested a fellow author hang himself by the stupid chain he wears around his neck, snow. fu. FU!
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: I'm still holding out my arms. (You all see that and are awed by my bigness of spirit, right?)
01/4/2005 John Slocum (5):
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: Slocum's here!!!! Yay!!!
01/4/2005 Ewan Snow: Couldn't predict you were going to say that, qc.
01/4/2005 The Rid (5):
01/4/2005 The Rid: I was tricked! What the fuck!
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: And now, no less an intellect than the Rid has been hornswoggled by Ewan's diabolical ruse.
01/4/2005 The Rid: Well, actually, it is pretty funny.
01/4/2005 John Slocum: I didn't vote on this, who used my name? 1/4/2005 5:44:55 PM? Not me. I'm confused.
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: And now, no less an intellect than Slocum has been hornswoggled by Ewan's diabolical ruse.
01/4/2005 John Slocum: What's the ruse?
01/4/2005 qualcomm: whether or not you could predict my saying it has little to do with its impact and power, snow. matza: fu. your armpits stink with anger pheromones, so put those meathooks down.
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: I suppose in your eyes, QC, even Slocum and the Rid are cunts now, too?
01/4/2005 qualcomm: yes. if you can't figure out what happened here, you are white bread.
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: It's like a nightmare that keeps gettin' worse and worse, isn't it Slocum?
01/4/2005 Grady Seasons: Yes.
01/4/2005 Ewan Snow: I predicted that too. I totally have ESP. But seriously, I hated Lewis' guts, which is why I treated him the way I did. I know that you don't feel the same way about me, matza, Mr. J., and everybody else. I seriously think you don't realize how abrasive and insulting your standard mode of communication on acme has become. I'm not saying this to pick a fight or claim the high ground (really). Please let us help you. Mr. J., let's get together to plan an intervention.
01/4/2005 Ewan Snow: That was in response to QC at 5:56...
01/4/2005 qualcomm: oh, i see. since your comments were motivated by a deep, irrational hatred, they were ok.
01/4/2005 TheBuyer: bring back The Lerpa
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: I'm all for any intervention that involves heavily discounted fermented grape product. Do you think we could get Slocum involved, or is he too much of a lone wolf?
01/4/2005 Ewan Snow: QC, I'm being serious. I'm not arguing and there's nothing to win. What I was saying about the Lewis thing is that, while my posts were not necessarily "okay", the reason I made them was that I hated his guts. In other words, I hated him, so I treated him like shit (right or wrong). But I don't believe you hate everyone on Acme. If I'm wrong, please correct me. I'm just saying that I think you don't realize how abrasive your standard online tone has become. It's just easy to see somebody else's mistake, ignorance, or difference of opinion online and react by insulting them, and I think you maybe don't realize how much you do it or how it comes off.
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: qualcomm: stop, I can't take it, etc.
01/4/2005 Ewan Snow: Hey, Matza, what does that mean?
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: (You 20% real juice fruit drink)
01/4/2005 Ewan Snow: Matza, I think maybe you don't realize how cryptic you postings are. I'm not trying to argue and there's nothing to win. It's just maybe you don't realize that your comment are impossible to decipher.
01/4/2005 Litcube (5):
01/4/2005 Litcube: That's pretty awesome.
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: Cryptic my ass. I was responding to qc's baiting below by "begging" him to stop in a bored, sarcastic, blase tone.
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: Litcube...qc thinks you're a cunt for thinking that's pretty awesome.
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: Therefore, he is a homo.
01/4/2005 qualcomm: is that what i did, ewan? i insulted people? oh, i'm sorry. i'll be nice from now on. i had no idea how often i was insulting people! it was totally out of my control, and i am really embarrassed.
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: that referred to my "prev" comment, not Joshua's.
01/4/2005 Litcube: That's ok. I feel nothing but love, compassion, goodwill, warm pajamas, and big-pawed kittens for Qualcomm.
01/4/2005 scoop: Weren't all your insults the product of irrational forces beyond your control anyway, qualcomm?
01/4/2005 qualcomm: no more than all my compliments, you lantern-jawed freak.
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: Would it make any difference, Litcube, if I told you he thought that you were not just a cunt, but a big, fat, hairy, smelly cunt?
01/4/2005 scoop: Hey, QC I resemble that isinuation. Hey, but seriously, why is everyone acting so fucking gay today? Is it like some hyper-iroinc schtick, or what?
01/4/2005 Litcube: Mr. Joshua: No.
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: Given all the rancor recently directed at me lately for not voting enough, how deliciously ironic that I was the only author to avoid Snow's diabolical trap (on account of my having previously voted on this short). To repeat: the irony is exceptionally delicious.
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: mmm...oh man...mmm, slurp...ohhh yeah this is guuuud
01/4/2005 qualcomm: to what rancor are you referring?
01/4/2005 qualcomm: (am i insulting you now? i can't even tell! if so, I'M SORRY!)
01/4/2005 anonymous: Well, Here's what I think I agree that QC attacks stupidity every time it is available...or he seizes on a misused word/space/exclamation point etc and gets all up in arms over it. He is an angry boy and does not seem to have an outlet other than Acme for his aggression. > I would picture him as slightly under average height/weight. He is handicapped by under developed social skills, he spent a large portion of his childhood immersed in books and fantasy games thus preventing his social skills from growing beyond an elementary school level. When his intellect is challenged he has no other options besides hostility and contempt. His childhood has not allowed him any peer's or maybe a better word is equal, simply because his learning curve was faster than his age group (due to lack of confidence he was reading instead of making friends) and yet his age/body size did not allow him to "hang" with anyone older and benefit from watching their social interactions. > He is a textbook geek without the benefit of growing up with a circle of geeks for friends. I actually enjoy a lot of his vitriolic outbursts but he does tend to fade away from there to simple abuse if the game goes to long for his attention span. Pity as he is quite brilliant. I would expect him to either have an epiphany soon or go on a rampage or simply become some sort of ubergeek/hermit. Posting to multiple sites writing letters to papers on all subjects possible and disappearing into the net
01/4/2005 scoop: Hey, anon your a weirdo.
01/4/2005 anonymous: That is one of the milder things I've been called scoop
01/4/2005 qualcomm: so i have book smarts, and you have street smarts, right anon_a? man what i wouldn't give for some of those street smarts, so i could have normal social interactions. you got a lot of nerve talking about attention span, as you clearly don't possess enough of one to have absorbed those pesky elementary grammatical rules. i would picture you as a textbook asshole, formulating boring napoleon-complex theories about me from the safety of anonymity.
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: You're trying, brother. And the force of your jibes have taken quite a toll on me. I'm reeling!
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: anon a = scoop
01/4/2005 anonymous: Qualcomm I am one of the unfortunate that did not imagine the future would require what public school had to offer. I smoked and drank my way through 6 years of public school and another year of tech. I am actually a supporter of your postings. Although they are harsh they show us the truth, as painfull as it is. I humble myself before your intelect and would gladly devote much time to reading or even listening to you hold forth court. I on the other hand have the ability to make drinks and pick up chicks. Alas this does not pay the bills very well.
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: Damn, that shit is cold!
01/4/2005 qualcomm: i'd say anon_a is tree. he's been rankling for a fight with me by his own admission, and he has trouble with apostrophes. and matza, you paranoid fool, that paranthetical, while directed at you, was making fun of ewan's "play nice" comments.
01/4/2005 anonymous: anon=lurker. Please do not get scoop into trouble. I have read his postings as well and he could use some support from the acme community. Not nearly as much as qualcomm needs you all but still needs some help.
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: yeah, qc...the 'tech' reference seems to be a canadianism.
01/4/2005 scoop: Do you swear on your momma's grave with sugar on top that your a lurker, anona?
01/4/2005 anonymous: not TheBuyer.
01/4/2005 Cyrus: Qualcomm do you really need a name for me? very well . Is tech a Canadianism? I thought the world had tech. I don't think I rankle at all qualcomm but then again, as you pointed out, my attention span has always been limited. I must again state that I do not wish to "fight" I have enough enemies already. What could be gained from a battle with me qualcomm? Would it make your peer's respect you? I am obviosly at a disadvantage already right? I mean with my lack of writing skills and my limited vocabulary it would be a simple task for you to baffle and confuse me, then when I am unprepared you could send a verbal riposte that would chase me from the pages of acme forever!!
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: Yo qualcomm, why'd you waste Cyrus? No reason, I just LIKE doing things like that!
01/4/2005 Cyrus: Not wasted just yet Mr. J
01/4/2005 scoop: What do you look like anona? How does your body-type square up with your inner being? What environmental factors/genetic dispositions led you to be the type of person who analyzes others with this reverse-directory method of psychology to physioignomy behind the ignominious trappings of anonymity?
01/4/2005 TheBuyer: Cryrus is tree, well I'll be fucked, I thought he was an friend of Streifenetc.
01/4/2005 scoop: Sorry Cyrus, posted that last comment befor your self-outting one. Now, Cyrus, this is very important. Are you a girl? Are you hot? Do you like to party? Because I am totally hot and I'm always ready to party.
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: Warriors, Cyrus, Warriors. Obviously, it was not just your formal education that suffered.
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: I can vouch for the fact that scoop parties hard....but does he party hearty? I (Matza) do.
01/4/2005 scoop: I don't think he can dig it, Mr. J. I don't think he can dig it one bit.
01/4/2005 anonymous: Now scoop. I am HOT. My daughter tells me everyday(cause I pay her). My body type matches my inner being perfectly. Average hieght, unshaved usually slightly soft in the middle (inside and out) oh yeah and I def like to party. Can you round up a few people and several box's of high quality wine? I prefer ice cold white...
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: He hasn't dug his own grave just yet, Scoop.
01/4/2005 TREE: fuck off buyer. If I wanted into this piss match I would have wieghed in way earlier. Qualcomm is a dick. Also I think you play the piccolo.
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: Disney, can you make this the latest controversy?
01/4/2005 TheBuyer: you posted as anon a and c, you douche.
01/4/2005 Cyrus: Matza...do you really? I mean really know how to party hearty? I don't mean like those fuckin Amarican college losers drinkin 3.5 % beer and jaegermeister(sic?) cause don't step up if you can't you'll just die right? and I do not need that on my concience
01/4/2005 anonymous: Skin flute.
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: no, not really.
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: Buyer, you keep much better track of these things than I do. Does Tree=Cyrus?
01/4/2005 Cyrus: sorry about the miscue on the anon's Buyer how was I to know? Is there anyway to know?
01/4/2005 Cyrus: Matza Honesty is much better than bravery.
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: Yeah, I didn't want to risk partying with you, I knew I'd be in over my head.
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: Cyrus, you be one funny nigga. Your comments are littered with misspellings and grammatical errors, but then you be conscientious enough to wonder if you've spelled Jaegermeister correctly?
01/4/2005 TheBuyer: Mr. J - he'll have keyed in the first comment as anon_a probably logged as tree, came out of the shadows logged in as 'Cyrus', and then responded to a comment in the same thread anonymously, not realising he was logged in under a different name the second time which makes anon a and c the same person. I'm anon_b responding to the 'canadianism' comment, btw.
01/4/2005 TheBuyer: that or I'm wrong wrong wrong, and they kind of type the same.
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: I realize that anon a = anon c, but does it necessarily follow that tree = anon a, and cyrus = anon c, and therefore tree = cyrus?
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: BTW, Buyer, wasn't suggesting that you were anon-a with the canadianism, but knew that Tree was a friend of yours, and ergo, probably a Canuck.
01/4/2005 TheBuyer: unless there's another randomly abusive canadian on the site who I don't know about [possible, but i doubt it]. aaaaanyhow, this has nothing to do with me, so I'll go back to my seat.
01/4/2005 qualcomm: anon_a's insistence on his success with the ladies squares nicely with tree's homophobia. anon_a/tree/cyrus, do you credit your superior social skills with getting you drummed off the site for being a stupid asshole (as tree)?
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: Not so fast, Buyer....you brought Tree aboard, you help dig him out. Sorry, but those are the rules here at Acme.
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: Some of the most exciting art today is being done by claymation studios. WHO'S WITH ME????
01/4/2005 Moe-Ron (5):
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: Moe-Ron, you dumb twat....how could you fall for this?
01/4/2005 Moe-Ron: what are you talking about fall for??? I genuinely came to this short and gave it five honest stars, you non-Jew-nosed-Jew. at least I KIR.
01/4/2005 TheBuyer: Dig him out of the comments and other things he's posted? I can't. All he really did this time was deflect a bunch of sincere[?] comments attacking qc's acme-character by making a bunch more noise, nothing there to defend/dig him out of.
For all know, I'm completely, way off base, qc invented this Cyrus, and tree was right to tell me to fuck off, and scoop is actually a hyper-intelligent panda typing with a stick in his teeth, but I doubt it.
01/4/2005 TheBuyer: can I sit down now?
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: Then how did you know what I meant by "fall for"? Aha! J'accuse!
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: At ease, Buyer....As for you Moe-Ron, there's a mythical national championship to be decided tonight, but you probably don't know shit about that, do you?
01/4/2005 qualcomm: attention: i own a 36" television.
01/4/2005 qualcomm: joshua, can we watch the championship on my thirty-six incher?
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: i have prior obligations....where did you get the 36 incher?
01/4/2005 Moe-Ron: oh do you mean the oklahoma, USC game that has oklamhoma in a third and long after reggie bush was taken down for a loss? ps. do you think that auburn has a claim to the national title as well with their 13-0 season, Joshie?
01/4/2005 Moe-Ron: hey Qualcomm how's that Yobo-made glass on that 36-incher holding up?
01/4/2005 qualcomm: fuck, you meant college football? that's a heck of a disappointment.
01/4/2005 qualcomm: the glass curves, so it can be viewed from all angles.
01/4/2005 Mr. Joshua: Shit....I'm missing the big game while I sit here in the office. Auburn does have a claim, but will get no support after OU wipes out the Trojans, though. This ain't gonna be like last year with a split winner. Maybe you ain't so bad after all, MR. KIR, J-Dog.
01/4/2005 Moe-Ron: thanks for that, mr. joshua. i'm glad i settled this.
01/4/2005 Jon Matza: Christ, didn't ANY of you play team sports in high school?
01/4/2005 qualcomm: no, i was shorter than average and too busy reading books.
01/4/2005 Ewan Snow: Qualcomm, thank you for coming to your senses and being nice!
01/4/2005 Ewan Snow: Ha! I just read anon_a/tree's posts. What a fucking dumb shit. It's really amazing that he still bothers to come to this site. How desperate and pathetic...
01/4/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (5):
01/5/2005 Dick Vomit: This short has merit if its title references the nefarious voting hijinks to follow, but still I go find an Ewan short and one-star it now.
01/5/2005 Dick Vomit: Or should I read all these comments?
01/5/2005 Dick Vomit: Too late.
01/5/2005 Dylan Danko: "Another year of tech" was one of the funniest things I've ever read.
01/5/2005 Ewan Snow: Is Canada like England, in that private school is called "public", or is it regular, like America, in that regard? The Buyer?
01/5/2005 TheBuyer: It's the same, Private School costs money, Public School doesn't.
01/5/2005 Ewan Snow: Thanks.
01/5/2005 Mr. Joshua: And what about the buggery? Is that the same, too?
01/5/2005 TheBuyer: Yup, that's assfucking.
01/5/2005 The Rid: Wow. I'm sorry I missed all the banter yesterday! If I could vote for best commentary ever on Acmeshorts, this would be it. Could also have played out in Acme Thunderdome, no?
01/6/2005 Mr. Pony (5):
01/6/2005 Will Disney: pony's back!
01/6/2005 Will Disney: f u pony!
01/6/2005 Mr. Pony: Holy crap, Snow. For that, I will destroy you someday.
01/6/2005 Ewan Snow: Ha!
01/6/2005 Dylan Danko: I know it's been said but Preven is just so brill.
01/6/2005 scoop: Yeah, yeah, those Kids in the Hall cats sure are hip.
01/6/2005 Ewan Snow: Oh, cram it, scoop. Now that I've met you it's no more Mr. Nice Guy. I don't remember the Kids in the Hall skit qc mentions, and even if I did, that's just one small part of this short. The context/use of Preven here is key too. And besides, you're just jealous cuz I got so many fives on this thing!
01/6/2005 qualcomm: it's the one with the two dudes who shovel fuel. the other name is equally amusing: Gregault. "Gregault? Gregault?" "Yes, Preven?" "Why do we shovel fuel?"
01/6/2005 scoop: Aw man, I sure am going to miss that nice guy.
01/6/2005 Ewan Snow: QC: oh, yeah. Scoop: tough cookies!
01/6/2005 Litcube: Now, next year, you can wish him a "happy birthday" without feeling that it's inappropriate!
01/6/2005 Litcube: Hey, guys?
01/6/2005 scoop: Nice institutional memory, Cuber. That's right Snow, you mouth-breathing retard, you better wish me a happy birthday this year or else last year's excuse will ring hollower then a truly hollow thing.
01/6/2005 qualcomm: than
01/6/2005 scoop: jerk