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Some folks say we all started out as a single egg. "Is that so?" I always reply. "Tell me then..."

"...why are they so delicious!"

For heavens sakes, 1 single egg isn't even enough for most people. And notice how many eggs you get when you order eggs and toast at a food diner. You guessed it: 2 eggs!

OK, shure, they allow you to choose between Scrambled or Fried. But it's 6 of 1 and 1/2 dozen of the other--'cause either way you still receive 2! (Eggs.) True enough, some places allow you to order "1 egg" on the side. Or even ask the waitress for a "extra egg" (for a total of 3 eggs). Heck, you could even order "5 eggs" if that was your inclanation. But that's certanly not how its done in genural situations!!!

Another thing is why did they call them "Scrambled" instead of Crazy eggs, or Mixed up eggs, or even Sturred up eggs? You could also call them Wisked eggs, but then again cooks can do it just as easuly with a fork. (Try it yourself at home if you don't bulieve me.) Forked eggs doesn't sound right though! Not just because it sounds durty. And don't purtend that wasn't what you were thinking! ;) But more importuntly because it sounds like you're spearing them with a fork to eat them! Which is possible, but usually they're pretty soft and slipury, at least when it comes to Scrambled eggs or Fried ones, so they oftun break or fall off the fork. Consuquntly most folks use forks to lift them but not to spear them. Then again spearing them could work with hard boiled eggs. But not if you mushed them up like in egg salad.

Anyhow, what seems even stupider about saying we come from eggs is how small they are. I for 1 have never seen an egg of such a size that a baby could fit in it. Even an ostrich egg isn't that big. (Though you may be shocked to leurn it is supposedly 20% larger than the other kind according to farmers.)

Well, now I have told you everything I know about eggs. I hope you enjoyed hearing about them. I certannly enjoyed telling you about them. In fact all this talk of eggs has made me super hungry. I think I'm going to eat 2 eggs!

Date Written: November 02, 2004
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 3.3333

11/9/2004 qualcomm (3): i'll give you these three stars if you promise to erase your subsequent egg short(s)
11/9/2004 Will Disney (3): By the spelling, I'd say it's Snow.
11/9/2004 Ewan Snow (2): you idiot.
11/9/2004 Dick Vomit (3): Stupes!
11/9/2004 The Rid (2):
11/9/2004 qualcomm: i'm thinking matza
11/9/2004 Litcube (5): Fuck you guys. This was brilyunt.
11/9/2004 TheBuyer (4): cummitment
11/9/2004 Dylan Danko (3): I thought this was alright and would have given it a four but for the intentional mistakes.
11/9/2004 John Slocum (3): If this is matza, he's ripping himself off, if this isn't matza, someone, not matza, is ripping matza off. Either way it's a rip-off of 'all about potatoes.' Nevertheless, there are some funny things here.
11/9/2004 qualcomm: oh yeah, i forgot all about that shitter
11/9/2004 Mr. Pony: What bugs me about the errors here is their inconsistency. The writer makes plenty of spelling mistakes, but divides the essay into neat paragraphs. Also, while the grammar is quirky, there aren't that many real errors (at least on the order of 'easuly'). Italics, too, lend just enough sophistication to make the spelling errors unconvincing. This gets three from me for the way the author made the writer widen his eyes and turn his face counter-clockwise with the formatting of "...why are they so delicious!"
11/9/2004 Mr. Pony: Hey, "Potatos" got blamed on Snow, too! What gives?
11/9/2004 scoop: I did not feel like those spelling errors were spelling errors. I read them as a sort of mid-westerny/Minnesotay accent.
11/9/2004 TheBuyer: especially "shocked to leurn"
11/9/2004 Mr. Pony: I can't hear it.
11/9/2004 Dylan Danko: Minnesoooohhhhhhhtaahh!
11/9/2004 TheBuyer: huh, doesn't work "Fargo" out loud, it works "George Foreman"
11/9/2004 scoop: Listen, get off my back, ok.
11/9/2004 TheBuyer: not until the exact last know address of the insurgunt accent is flushed out.
11/9/2004 John Slocum: qualc.: all about potatoes had a consistent voice and an endearing, if dumb as a brick, narrator. The spelling errors in 'pot's' fit in and were clever/cagey. your vote, and personal feelings, on that short are wrong. This short, in contrast, does not achieve the same heights of artistry. The voice is inconsistent in ways I haven't the time to explain, but someone else can step forward and do it for me.
11/9/2004 qualcomm: i understand potato's voice was consistent, sloc, but that doesn't make it funny. my problem with potato, and eggs, is this: it fabricates this really stupid person (the narrator) simply for the purpose of laughing at him. it's way too easy. the author might as well write, "Once upon a time there was this guy wearing a really stupid yellow sweater. This guy then picked his nose. Then he hit himself over the head with a hammer. Ha ha ha!" also, it has the feel of a sesame street skit, but in my opinion, doesn't add a single layer of irony to the proceedings. the sesame street skit is just as aware of how dumb it is as this thing. (e.g., just substitute eggs for cookies and have the cookie monster narrate)
11/9/2004 qualcomm: also, consistency of voice is a hack quality to admire in a short. who gives a fuck if a short has a consistent voice? anyone can do that.
11/9/2004 scoop: Enough of your high faltin' fancy aesthetic talk, ass hole. Tell me more about that funny guy with the yellow sweater and the hammer. Man, I love that guy.
11/9/2004 qualcomm: yeah, yeah. and pony can draw him in a comic strip to "prove" that he actually is funny.
11/9/2004 scoop: Don't fuck with me. What happens next.
11/9/2004 John Slocum: totally disagree, the artistry is in the details. Potatoes has great details, fantastic what the author did with it.
11/9/2004 qualcomm: oh, i'm not saying there's no "artistry" to it, just that it isn't funny.
11/9/2004 The Foonch: It is an objective fact that someone picking their nose is funny.

The Foonch

11/9/2004 qualcomm: yes, seeing someone picking his nose, in real life, is usually both funny and enriching. writing, "This guy picked his nose" isn't, necessarily. this is not a pipe, understand, foonch, you fucking korwa?
11/9/2004 Dylan Danko: Is writing about someone smoking a pipe necessarily funny?
11/9/2004 qualcomm: only if the writer is from brookline
11/9/2004 Dylan Danko: and the pipe smoker from west tardford.
11/9/2004 The Rid: I dunno. I found this short subpar and the potato short above average. Does that make me gay?
11/9/2004 Ewan Snow: No, your preference for anal sex with men accomplishes that.
11/9/2004 The Rid: Oh, right.
11/9/2004 Dylan Danko: WEST TARDFORD!!!!! OH MAN!
11/9/2004 anonymous: eggs eggs eggs eggs eggs
11/9/2004 Mr. Pony: I submit this comment thread as proof that qualcomm is way nicer than Old Summer Sausage ever could have hoped to be. OSS would never have made so many qualifications, or allowances for his opponent's point of view, used so many helpful examples, or so complemented my admittedly meager drawing abilities. Furthermore, his stance on the issues seems to me much more in line with my way of thinking; and this, I applaud. Welcome to Acme Shorts, qualcomm!!
11/9/2004 John Slocum: Mr. Pony, you will only bring out the ol summer sausage in qualcomm. when it happens, I will blame you.
11/9/2004 Mr. Pony: There is no Old Summer Sausage! He has been stricken from the record! Give qualcomm a chance. I think that you'll see that he's far more reasonable, more intelligent, and kinder overall than Old Summer Sausage.
11/9/2004 Dylan Danko: In support of Pony's theory, I should also add that he gave my last short an unqualified five. Granted, he thought someone else had written it but still... In fact, when I told him it was me I swear he got all quiet as if he were trying to reorient himself.
11/9/2004 qualcomm: that was a guest five
11/9/2004 Dylan Danko: No, it was a homo five since you thought it possible that Scoop wrote it.
11/9/2004 qualcomm: anyway, it was a guest five. but i don't blame you for being excited over a five from the likes of me. yup, my opinion's pretty fucking definitive.
11/9/2004 Dylan Danko: HOMO FIVE!!!!
11/9/2004 qualcomm: yeah, so it was a guest five.
11/9/2004 Dylan Danko: Oh my god! I can't believe you're a homo!
11/9/2004 Mr. Pony: Dylan, quit picking on qualcomm.
11/9/2004 anonymous: EGGSellent idea, Pony. Qualcomm is EGGStremely sensitive! Keep CRACKING jokes (I mean YOLKS!!) like that and he'll surely retreat into his SHELL! It takes him a long time to get OVA being teased!
11/9/2004 The Fonch:
The comment below contains puns.

The Fonch
11/10/2004 Ewan Snow: I feel it is important to point out that in 9th grade Qualcomm started a cult called the Yolkahamas, which worshipped eggs. Specifically, we worshipped an egg called Omlettemus (sp?). And anybody who said anything bad about eggs was subjected to an "anal dartoid" (a blow dart aimed at the ass!). Qualcomm kept this god, Omlettemus (an actual egg with cotton “hair” glued on the top and a face drawn on with magic marker), in a little wooden box in his closet. After a few months he went to check on him, but of course he was totally rotten and gross, so he had to throw the poor god out. This is all true.
11/10/2004 Dylan Danko: Wow. I hope someone had the good sense to kick his ass on principle.
11/10/2004 qualcomm: yes, as a matter of fact i do rule the universe
11/10/2004 Jon Matza: vindicated!
11/11/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): This is about eggs. This is so about eggs.
11/11/2004 Mr. Pony: I like that the "anal dartoid" has nothing to do with eggs, and is probably left over from some entirely distinct mental journey taken by young qualcomm.
02/11/2005 Litcube: I love this short.
02/11/2005 Pix: You would Litcube, you would! Speaking of which, where ARE our G.D. eggs? We ordered them HOURS ago!
03/4/2005 Dick Vomit: A weird thing happened in the random shorts queue. I read this and laughed and laughed just now and then I looked and saw what I did last time by voting 3 and now I have anger for myself!
03/4/2005 Mr. Pony (5): That's nothing. I said I was going to give it a three last year, but I just accidentally gave it a five. How do you think I feel?
03/4/2005 deliciousbrains (3): Cute, but hard to read and almost (ALMOST) not worth the effort.