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TheBuyer rifled through his laundry hamper. “Pix?” he called. “Have you seen my phone?” Pix stood in the next room, fixing herself a turkey sandwich.
“Have you tried looking where you left it? ‘Cause it might be, you know; there.” The studio audience let out a chuckle.
“Ha, ha,” TheBuyer pretended to laugh, sticking his head into the kitchen. “Hey, could you try calling it?”
“Sure,” Pix smirked. “Can I borrow your phone?” The crowd rumbled.
There was a rapid-fire knock at the front door. The door swung open, and Litcube strode into the living room. “HeeeYAAAArggh,” he gargled, to the audience’s delight, grinning into the middle distance. The crowd rose to their feet, cheering and hooting.
“Litcube!” said TheBuyer.
“Hey, Clitlube,” chimed Pix.
He hopped over the chesterfield and landed sitting, swinging his feet onto the coffee table in a practiced sweep. “TheBuyer, can I borrow your phone?”
“Well,” TheBuyer began, looking inside a shoe, “If I could find it, ya. Do you see it anywhere?”
Litcube picked up a magazine, absently thumbing through it. “Have you tried looking where you left it? ‘Cause, you know…” Litcube was unable to finish, drowned out by the audience.
TheBuyer thumbed the wall clock. “Hey, Lit, don’t you have to be not here? Soon?”
“Pix, you gonna eat that?” Ignoring TheBuyer, Litcube pointed to the sandwich Pix was almost biting into. She puckered her face in a fake scowl that sent a wave of laughter through the audience.
“Yaaagh!” Litcube shouted. “I’m violated!” He jumped, nearly 15 centimeters into the air. “Found your phone.” The laugh wave broke, exploding through the apartment. He held up the vibrating phone.
“Gah, I always forget to look in your butt!” TheBuyer swooped over Pix’s shoulder and snuck a bite of her sandwich. She tousled his hair and gently pinched his nose, nearly forcing a spit-take.
“Yoog-fregreh-dagh!” TheBuyer backed away, pointing with both hands. The audience held its breath.
“Hello, yes, this is TheBuyer speaking,” Litcube spoke into the phone, imitating TheBuyer’s deep voice.
“Ngimmee-Nga-Kchissss.” Pix sidestepped TheBuyer’s zombie advance, and put him in a mock headlock. TheBuyer spat out the contents of his mouth, the white ball landing squarely on the remainder of Pix’s sandwich. The audience roared.
“Fitzcarraldo’s having a thing! Let’s away!” Litcube pocketed the phone, and bounded out the door.
“You feel up to it, Pix?” TheBuyer asked, slipping on his jacket.
“You guys go ahead. I have to get up early.”
“Ugh,” said TheBuyer.
“Ugh!” said Pix.
He gave her a look, then swung out the door. Pix sighed, and sat back down at the kitchen table, considering her sandwich. She shrugged, flicked the wet bread-and-turkey ball onto the table, picked up the sandwich, and took a bite.
“Eeeeew,” went the audience, but then they started clapping, and everything went dark.
Date Written: November 05, 2004Comments:
Author: Mr. Pony
Average Vote: 4.30769
11/12/2004 Ewan Snow (4): Great idea, but some of the meta-gags weren't what they could have been, I thought.
11/12/2004 Jon Matza (4): Uranium through graf 13. Should be marked as inside.
11/12/2004 Dylan Danko: These canadians sure are getting a lot of air time.
11/12/2004 TREE (5): obviously not CBC programming
11/12/2004 scoop: Jealous much, Danko? Or should I say Foonch? Or should I even moreer say FINCH?
11/12/2004 Dylan Danko: Oh, Scoop.
11/12/2004 Will Disney (4):
11/12/2004 The Rid: Hey, are guests allowed to vote on inside shorts? Cuz I thought this was fucking funny.
11/12/2004 Will Disney: Rid: yes. Also, this isn't currently marked as an inside short.
11/12/2004 The Rid (5): Cool. Well, because I laughed my ass off: 5 stars.
11/12/2004 Mr. Pony (4): Creepy. Also, I agree with Snow, somewhat. I'm not sure how I feel about the laugh track.
11/12/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): Not enough French-ness.
11/12/2004 anonymous: It's a live studio audience, Pony!
11/12/2004 Litcube (5): I've been trying to figure out if this was an inside joke to begin with, as none of the authors know us Canadians personally. Upon first read, however, I thought I might have seen an unwitting allusion to TheBuyer's answering machine message. Moreover, this was funny.
11/12/2004 Dylan Danko (4): I told qc that this was Disney. He refuses to believe me.
11/12/2004 TheBuyer: [mugs camera]
11/12/2004 Ewan Snow: That's because it's qc.
11/12/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4):
11/12/2004 Pix (5): Damn! Now yer making me paranoid, that happened just last week, Spies the lot of ya!
It was a damned good sandwich too!
11/12/2004 Dick Vomit (4): Affirm/agree.
11/12/2004 Litcube: Here's TheBuyer's answering machine greeting. For serious.
11/12/2004 John Slocum (4): it's a celebration.
11/12/2004 TheBuyer (4): That night we ended up in a leather bar full of 'bears' and had to karaoke our way into their hearts, and out the back door!
11/12/2004 scoop: I wanna fuck Cammie, I think.
11/13/2004 Jon Matza: Hypocrisy=sweet helium. That's your new credo, isn't it... Mister "I think in pictures" Pony?!?
11/13/2004 TheBuyer: i'll be damned, Mr. Pony, it was you!
11/13/2004 Litcube: I thought it might be him. "He jumped, nearly 15 centimeters into the air," is a Ponyish thing to say. He's said something vaguely familiar before.
11/13/2004 Dylan Danko: I'm stunned.
11/13/2004 John Slocum: Welcome to AcmeShorts, Mr. Pony. You've just taken your first step into a better life.
11/14/2004 Mr. Pony: Thanks!
11/14/2004 qualcomm: i wish to
11/15/2004 John Slocum: conflated rip of of my short.
11/15/2004 Mr. Pony: ?
11/26/2004 Will Disney: HA the title of this one
12/5/2004 Litcube: This is great.
01/26/2005 Litcube: Lastly, what inspired this? Is there something here that shouldn't be apparent to us goofy Canadians?
01/26/2005 Mr. Pony: I just like you guys. Also, the three of you have a fairly rich dynamic with each other, and from your interactions on the site, it's pretty easy to extrapolate what maybe your private lives are like, maybe. I threw in some conventions from TV (the title is a Friends construction, etc.) because you seem familiar to me, because there's something forthright and honest about allayez. There's no private joke here, nothing that you guys couldn't get, but the potential for the discomfort in your minds at the initial idea of the short was part of the intended joke. Hope that's okay.
01/26/2005 Litcube: Hah! That's pretty awesome. Pix, Buyer, and I had talked about this one over scrabble/drinks a few weekends ago. We all thought it was funny, and amongst our speculations, one comment was, "Maybe he thinks we're just a bunch of goofy Canadians." Anyway, cool. Thank you for answering all of my Pony questions. It's been fun.
02/28/2005 Klause Muppet: Note to Pony. I know Litcube and The Buyer personally and I found it uncanny how accurate you were with the characters (espically litcube) when you've never met them.
04/1/2005 deliciousbrains: Litcube's a guy?!
04/1/2005 TheBuyer: Yes db, a big one, with all kinds of striations and delts, whatever they are.
04/1/2005 Daphne: Go on.
04/1/2005 TheBuyer: If you insist...
Litcube used to be a scrawny little computer nerd with very little going for him besides his big brain and penchant for learning/improving songs on his guitar, and complaining that DnD wasn't realistic enough. One day he did a pushup and liked it. Then he did a few more. Ten years later, and many, many pushups [also eggs] later, he's nine feet tall, weighs four hundred pounds and can dead lift a Honda Accord with a dazzling, dentist whitened smile. There's more, but I've embarassed him enough...but gosh, is there ever more.
08/22/2005 Litcube: Holy F, I just found this. How did I miss this?
08/22/2005 TheBuyer: Dude, you gave this five stars and made a bunch of comments on it, what was missed?
08/22/2005 Litcube: Sorry, I was referring to your comments on my delts. And your comments on me being an feet talls! You are so silly, Buyer! I am not an 9 feet talls!
08/22/2005 TheBuyer: I don't think Daphne has been the same since.
08/22/2005 Mr. Pony: This is how I knew I would win that bet.
08/22/2005 anonymous: I am TheBuyer. I find your short pretentious and full of limp "gags" that make me gag. You should try to be more like me, which is to say, more like qc. By the way, have I mentioned that I haven't written anything since June? Yes, you are beneath me.
08/22/2005 TheBuyer: Yes, me and qualcomm are exactly like twins.