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A whole civilization thrived beneath the tables. Savage Hartwell understood this better than most. He spent the majority of his childhood wandering through a forest of legs, trousered thighs and calves, thick matronly haunches thundering out of skirts and dresses. He reveled in the sounds of muted adult voices emanating from above, discussing matters, speaking of things. He delighted in licking his finger and collecting the crumbs that had fallen from the adult’s plates and then scraping them off in to a pile that he would later eat.

Throughout his childhood he spent most of his formative years beneath the dining room table. As a teething infant he would gnaw on its varnished walnut legs. As an older child he would take his toys down there and imagine entire planets consisting of strange, alien tables, with a fantastical assortment of legs. As a teenager, he first masturbated during one of mother’s luncheons while staring hungrily at his aunt’s white-pantied-crotch.

When he achieved adulthood, married a wife had three children (all conceived underneath the table of course) Savage’s passion for his magical subterranean world only grew. He spent most of his nights down there, resolving important family situations, handling the bills, smoking a pipe.

Just yesterday, alas, Savage’s wife passed away. With his children far away raising families of their own, Savage was all alone, with no legs to keep him company underneath the important tables in his life. That’s why, at this very moment he is secreted under a booth at the local Hot Shoppes, his damp dentures in one hand, his limp, gnarled dick sitting absently in the other, gumming the cold, steel table legs, remembering.

Date Written: November 07, 2004
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 3.1111

11/17/2004 scoop (1): This is arguably one of the worst shorts posted on this site. If this author has friends he deserves to lose them. If this author has hair he deserves to have it shaved. If he has a penis it should be severed, if she has a vagina it should be plugged. Boring enough to torpordize even an entire army of McSweeney's readers. All that went in to making it should be seized and destroyed -- keyboards, monitors, fingers. A real fucktule of a short.
11/17/2004 The Rid: Interesting.
11/17/2004 Will Disney: Did you write this, scoop? It's got some solid imagery.
11/17/2004 scoop: If I did I deserve to have my 'gina corked.
11/17/2004 scoop's vagina: You don't speak for me. Why am I always the victim of your blustering promises?
11/17/2004 Mr. Pony (4): You dummy, this is pretty good. The last 'word is unworthy of the short, though.
11/17/2004 Ewan Snow (3): I wouldn't go as far as scoop, but I didn't like this either. "Throughout his childhood he spent most of his formative years ..." is just bad writing. The idea of a life spent below tables has potential, maybe, but this short was downright boring and clumsy. 2.5 rounded up out of generosity.
11/17/2004 scoop: Why don't you grow some yarbles and vote it what it deserves you F-ing pansy.
11/17/2004 Dylan Danko (1): Scoop's right, this short he wrote really sucks.
11/17/2004 qualcomm (3):
11/17/2004 The Rid (3): I wouldn't say "sucks." 2 stars for the short and an extra star for the idea behind the short.
11/17/2004 Dylan Danko: Yeah, i didn't mind the short. Would have given it a four in fact if it weren't for certain factors.
11/17/2004 Mr. Pony: What factors? This really is the time & place to discuss it!
11/17/2004 Litcube (3): This is ok.
11/17/2004 qualcomm: the thing is, this short is a complete and blatant ripoff of this little number
11/17/2004 TREE (3): I agree this is ok.
11/17/2004 Will Disney: What is that in the background, OSS? A horse? A bird?
11/17/2004 qualcomm: it's coming from off-camera. i would think some sort of exotic bird (and no, i don't mean the 'exotic bird' who's sucking cock! haha haaha aha aha ahahahahahahahahahah)
11/17/2004 Will Disney: ha!
11/17/2004 Jon Matza: Enjoyed Scoop's invective but don't see what's so bad about this. Average writing, maybe...but a semi-Maytag premise & amusing image of the elderly fellow. I'd be curious to hear Scoop defend/elaborate on his rancor. Unless Danko was right and that vote was an act of self-sabotage and/or surreality (as the great Fstone would say).
11/18/2004 Jon Matza (4): what the devil, eh pony?
11/18/2004 Cuntbreath: Fuck you, Frankenstone. Stay out of this.
11/18/2004 John Slocum (4): missed all this yesterday. Loved the first paragraph, particularly sentences 3 and 4, particularly the use of the word 'thundered.'