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“Captain, we can’t get high off this Mermaid! We’ve tried lickin’ her aft to stern, quarter-deck to that other deck and we’re as un-high as the sea is wet,” said this pirate this one time.

“Arrgh,” the Captain kind of replied.

“Aye, Captain it’s an arrghhish situation, that much is true. Totally arrghhish. What’s our next course of action?”

“Mother Klabautermann! I need to get high,” said this other pirate who totally wanted to get high.

“Have you tried raping her then,” the Captain suggested.

“Hello. Avast much? I’m like, right here,” said this hot mermaid, whose brackish, bilgey snatch smelled all humany.

“Aye Captain, but the scales, the scales! They hurt worse then a pain after an injury,” that first pirate said.

“What-Ever,” said the mermaid, her tits big.

“And Captain, raping a mermaid is much better when you are high. Yo-ho-ho, mother fuckers.”

“Aye, argghh, argghh. Have you tried talking to the bucko?”

“Talk to her,” the pirates all sang in unison leaning toward the Captain. "Without raping her?" Then they performed a song and dance number incorporating several ship props in to their routine.

When they finished the Captain addressed his pirate dudes: “Aye. Splice the mailbrace and what not. Have a decent conversation with her. I’d wager doubloons for donuts me hearties, that she has more to offer then a meaningless roll on the poop deck.”

And they all laughed because the Captain had said poop.

Date Written: November 26, 2004
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 4.69231

12/1/2004 The Rid: Yeah. That's funny.
12/1/2004 Ewan Snow (4): Some choice moments and a good premise. “'What-Ever,' said the mermaid, her tits big.”
12/1/2004 The Rid (5): I have to 5-star this for the reinvention of the pirate short!
12/1/2004 Litcube (5): I laughed a lot, out loud. "'What-Ever,' said the mermaid, her tits big," has my vote for best line of November 2004.
12/1/2004 Jon Matza: Mermaids have snatches?
12/1/2004 TheBuyer (4):
12/1/2004 Mr. Pony (5):
12/1/2004 Will Disney (5): a breath of fresh air!
12/1/2004 Mr. Joshua (4): This is fine, fine work. 4.4444
12/1/2004 Jon Matza: Come on. What about the snatch issue? A mermaid's a symbol of unrequited lust. Its whole purpose is to incite lust (via tits) but not provide an outlet (snatch).
12/1/2004 qualcomm: it is? i thought it was a symbol of fishy poon-poon
12/1/2004 anonymous: Matza: I think you're confusing "mermaids" with "little boys." Also mermaids aren't symbols. They are creatures. And also what Qualcomm said.
12/1/2004 Jon Matza (4): Oh! Thanks for the texxxplanation. (Some protoplazz jokes aside from this fairly serious flaw, though.)
12/1/2004 anonymous: Matza: And also there is a complicated joke involving semiotics utilizing the invocation of the mermaid imagery and the proto-sexist use of "snatch" that if you don't get is just not worth explaining to you. And any other "mistakes" are all intentional and a product of my intelligence and creativity.
12/1/2004 anonymous: Or lack thereof!
12/1/2004 anonymous: qualcomm
12/1/2004 anonymous: qualcomm
12/1/2004 anonymous: I hope you're happy anonusera, your rakish barb stung with the sting of an indeterminate number of bees.
12/1/2004 anonymous: qualcomm
12/1/2004 Ewan Snow: I thought this was QC at first, but the use of "in to" instead od "into" mande me think otherwise. Author, please explain.
12/1/2004 John Slocum (5): 4.5 rounded up, a fun read, and a funny read! Is this Pony?
12/1/2004 Ewan Snow: I think the author should perform a live reading of this on "Talk Like a Pirate Day." Too bad you missed it this year.
12/1/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5): Oops. That last one was me.
12/1/2004 Mr. Pony: Maaaan, I wish this was me, again. This thing's frelling great.
12/1/2004 Mr. Pony: "in to"? Ass hole!
12/1/2004 anonymous: qualcomm
12/2/2004 Ewan Snow: I totally called this one. "In to" gave you away, scoop. Pony, FU! I maybe should have given this a five, though. I owe you a star, scoop.
12/2/2004 Mr. Pony: Snow, if you read my comment carefully, you'll see that I was telling you that you were right.
12/2/2004 Dylan Danko (5): whore
12/2/2004 Ewan Snow: Mr. Pony, why should I start reading your comments carefully now... as I have never done so before!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
12/2/2004 anonymous: This short is a real booty biter. I mean it's a real scat scoffer.
12/2/2004 Mr. Pony: :'(
12/2/2004 CrazyGuy (5): I laughed really hard at this one. Great story!
06/29/2005 scoop (5): Damaging. Impotent. Viral. Nutsandhairy.
11/4/2006 Master Bates (5): Ahrrr! Made me shiver me timbers. Great job, matey. And I just like to talk like a pierate, ahrr.