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'So I'm pretty single now, yup. Had this blind girlfriend, she was alright, but I'm pretty sure she was a valkyrie. They'd pump this Wagner song and come flying in out of the blue, trashed my house, trashed my yard, man, it got so we couldn't get through a session of mutually stimulating oral sex without some kind of crazy valkyrie attack, heh. Yup, never quite got there, if you catch my drift.
At first I'd just wander her around the neighbourhood for a while and tell her I was taking her somewhere else, but of course - valkyrie attack. Again! The valkyries had chased everyone out of the neighbourhood long ago, so we had the run of the place - strange, despite all the chaos and our lack of, uh facial intimacy, those were some good times.
Like I said though, she's gone now. Yeah, I think she's one of them, I think that's why they took her. I think she's important to them. She's important to me, I know that for sure. Was important to me, jesus listen to me, she was all that and more, was I mean to say...Either way, that whole, you know mutual oral satisfaction thing? That was kind of an issue. I mean, I reciprocate, if you catch my drift. All that action hero bullshit always seems so romantic on screen; it's not. It's just messy and cliche and she's gone, and well...the sun will still rise, the rain will still fall, and I'll still be a man. A man with a chasm where his heart used to be, a chasm that can't be filled by iron and wood, but with...something, I don't know, something ...more oralish, if you catch my uh, you know, drift?
You're not buying this at all, are you?'
Date Written: December 02, 2004
Author: TheBuyer
Average Vote: 2.6
Comments:
12/10/2004 anonymous: Apologies to the acme community for the sloppy editing, I will attempt to fix typos and spelling errors as I spot them, thank you for your patience, understanding, objectivity, and empathy in regards to this matter.
12/10/2004 Will Disney (4): i think i would have liked it better if you hadn't mentioned Wagner.
12/10/2004 anonymous: the naarator thinks it makes him seem sufisticated
12/10/2004 Litcube: Hwut thuh Eyuf!?
12/10/2004 The Rid: Interesting. Interesting. Awful grammar. And except for the title, there's no real clue that he's talking to some chick trying and trying to get some blow off her, right? Did I miss something? I wanna like this short, but it's kinda hard to.
12/10/2004 Dick Vomit (2):
12/10/2004 Mr. Pony: Despite the apology, author, I feel personally attacked by the typos and spelling errors.
12/10/2004 The Rid: Disney! You never vote on my shorts! And when you do, it's like, a one.
12/10/2004 anonymous: Mr. Pony - to my further shame I haven't even fixed any of them.
The Rid - that is why the title is there.
12/10/2004 The Rid: So you admit the short is too opaque and that the title is the only thing that makes it easier to "get"?
12/10/2004 anonymous: Rid - Alright, enough! Enough! I can't take it anymore! It's true, it's all true...o god, what have I done.
Yes, that's exactly why I put it in the title, The Rid. The virgin trying to talk his way into the blowjob can't even bring himself to ask for the blowjob so he makes up this hab-solutely gobshite story, doesn't edit it very well and then steals my identity to post it on Acmeshorts. Fucking meta buillshit if you ask me, but them's the brakes. I'm going to Benny it later after all the votes it's going to get today come in.
12/10/2004 TheBuyer: I liked it better when it was called OH FUCK, VALKARIES!
12/10/2004 The Rid (2): Mluh.
12/10/2004 Mr. Pony (2): That's right, theBuyer! That was quite a title. If the errors are supposed to be a gag ("valkyrie" is misspelled two different ways!), it doesn't really come across as funny.
12/10/2004 anonymous: Mr. Pony, sadly, it was just a lustre damaging fuck-up compounded by my own hubris.
12/10/2004 Mr. Pony: Well, that's better than getting nailed by someone else's hubris.
12/10/2004 anonymous: for your consideration, please find the edited text.
12/10/2004 TheBuyer: much better author, but you have left some perrty nasty holes.
12/10/2004 anonymous: get off my ass, fucko
12/10/2004 TheBuyer: whatever brother, but if you're going to edit at least try, you know?
12/10/2004 anonymous: just crawl back into the bottom of that bottle and drown, lumberjack, you don't know what it's like.
12/10/2004 TheBuyer: fine, fine, just remember - this whole meta-thing we're doing right now? Ya, not that funny.
12/10/2004 anonymous: jerk.
12/10/2004 TheBuyer: I rest my case.
12/10/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs (3):
12/11/2004 The Rid: Buyer, I never would've guessed this was you.
12/12/2004 TheBuyer: Yes, but do you like it better now that it's edited?
12/12/2004 The Rid: Well, it's definitely better written now. Yes, "something more oralish" is funnier for some reason.
12/12/2004 The Rid: PS, that's some extensive fucking rewriting.
12/12/2004 TheBuyer: truly Benny'd. Cheers!