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In a fit of erotic patriotism the gaggle of selfless firefighters crawled over one another in the pit, vying in a pudgy swirl of pale flash and horny grunts to fellate an I-beam recovered from sacred ground. Amid the furious pre-protopatrio-sexual fucking ritual, the firefighters kicked up a thick cloud of dust that rose for miles, illuminated by the corona of the city. It was an eroticized mist that hung above them, like a thick, morning fog above a swamp.

In the pit the firefighters instinctively recognized that only one would earn the right to fellate the sacred beam and it would be an honor earned in battle. Like the knights who jousted to win an opportunity to draw Excalibur from the stone, these firefighters would engage in a concupiscent contest. Instead of swords they would use their cocks. Instead of jousting they would fuck. They dropped their bunker gear to the ground with a clank. Some left their helmets on. Others lifted clumps of earth -- wet with a viscous mix of cum, blood, and sweat – and covered their bodies in mud like primitives.

Once the victor anally disposed of the last standing firefighter, he approached the I-beam with a trepidation one would expect from a native peering through jungle at a colonial ship coming to their shores, a naked savage supplicating before a brave new god. He knelt before it as if in prayer. He ran his tongue from its base, savoring each imperfection, quivering as flecks of paint flaked off and dotted his bee stung over patrio-sexed lips. When he reached the top he strained to stretch his mouth over the “head” of the I-beam. In doing so he tore his mouth tore, and then his teeth broke beneath the incredible pressure. He did not stop until he impaled himself.

When the simulation finished the technician removed the volunteers to the debriefing room and handed out the questionnaires.

Results showed that 47 percent of viewers to the new were more likely to vote. 39 percent would be more likely to join in civic activities like participation in local community boards or bowling clubs. 83 percent of participants in the study were more likely to engage in sexual congress with their significant other two to three times more then average compared to the period before exposure to the protopatrio-fucking experiment. Of those, 67 percent were willing to “explore” more unusual sexual and psycho-sexual possibilities. Of those 27 percent did not rule out the possibility of introducing violence in to their bedrooms. It remains off the “target” number but all in all the data remains promising.

Date Written: December 03, 2004
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 3.7273

12/9/2004 Phony Millions (5): Fuck yeah - I'm horny and feeling all clinical all at once.
12/9/2004 Will Disney: These guys really are heroes!
12/9/2004 Ewan Snow: Not sure on this one. It does have a cumquat premise...
12/9/2004 qualcomm: yes, but the prose is slightly constipated
12/9/2004 The Rid: Nonplussed.
12/9/2004 Mr. Pony (4): I think it's interesting that the author's own patriotism prevented him from allowing the scene with the firefighters to have actually happened in his story, reducing it instead to a simulation. Sometimes I wish I loved my country that much. The fucking in the mud part was a little stiff, but I enjoyed reading it a lot.
12/9/2004 TheBuyer: been reading this all morning, I love Thunderdome/cage matches and useless statistics, but somehow the author isn't homo enough to really breathe life into this kind of mudfucking. I dunno. also, typo in the second to last graph, first word.
12/9/2004 The Rid (3): Not liking anything today. Perhaps it's my low self esteem and I'm projecting it onto today's writers. TFB.
12/9/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: There are a few typos, but that's not really the problem. I was really, really disappointed with the ending. Really disappointed. It was like, "And then I fuckin' woke up." Very cheap. I felt violated. And as Quat pointed out, the writing is constipated. There's a whole load a bananas in there.
12/9/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (3):
12/9/2004 Phony Millions: I had noted the constipation but took it as intentional tone.
12/9/2004 Jon Matza: so all in all, I guess you'd have to say the study was a success...
12/10/2004 anonymous: Sorry my ending did not fit neatly in your pretty little head, Jimson, deluded as it is with rickety and archaic ideas about "reality" shaped by the delusional Enlightenment. I would tell to you to "fuckin'wake up" to the new reality, babe, but I wouldn't want you to mess up your hair.
12/10/2004 qualcomm (4): for "creativity."
12/10/2004 scoop: No extra star for inspiration, Qualcomm? Maybe if we we're married...
12/10/2004 Mr. Pony: Show yourself, anonymous coward!
12/11/2004 Phony Millions: Finally, an anonymous voice of the anti-enlightenment movement. I mean, that's the future of our fair land, right? We should welcome those voices of Creationism and the like.
12/11/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: anon_user_scoop: Apology accepted.
12/12/2004 John Slocum (3): Pony 3. Doesn't do me right, but still things to appreciate.
12/12/2004 scoop: Next time I'll make sure to tailor my shorts to "do you right" you wine swilling sexually depraved retard.
12/13/2004 John Slocum: woah! I'm not a retard.
12/13/2004 Dylan Danko (4):
12/13/2004 qualcomm: will you please write an anti-dr. seuss short next, scoop?
12/13/2004 Dylan Danko: Yeah, Scoop. And can you make him a member of the politburo as well as a pederast?
12/13/2004 scoop: Maybe and yes.
12/14/2004 Pauline Kael (1): Actually, those who believe in censorship are primarily concerned with sex, and they generally worry about violence only when it's eroticized. This means that practically no one raises the issue of the possible cumulative effects of short brutality. Yet surely, when night after night atrocities are served up to us as entertainment, it's worth some anxiety. We become clockwork oranges if we accept all this pop culture without asking what's in it. How can people go on talking about the dazzling brilliance of shorts and not notice that the acme short writers are sucking up to the thugs in the audience?
12/14/2004 Ewan Snow: It's sort of jive for somebody to one-star a short under an assumed username and based on a fake argument.
12/14/2004 Ewan Snow (5): To help make up for Pauline.
12/14/2004 Dylan Danko: I think Pauline must be from Brookline. I'm ashamed.
12/14/2004 Jon Matza (5): Yeah, that was un-sporting. Maybe even Korg.
12/14/2004 qualcomm: you fools. you're falling for the oldest ruse in the book of ruses.
12/14/2004 Jon Matza: The hidden ball trick?
12/14/2004 Jon Matza: Incidentally, QC, send me the [you-know-what]. I don't have your email. (Apologies to acme comm.)
12/14/2004 Ewan Snow: So you're saying scoop is Pauline? If so, his/her one star vote would count. And how could he assume anybody would stand up and give him fives?
12/14/2004 Dylan Danko: Matza, i gave it to you.
12/14/2004 Jon Matza: Please accept my deepest regrets, Danko. QC: I DO have your email because Danko generously sent it to me earlier today. However I'm at work now so I don't have it yet, and even if I did can't send any external emails because of NetNanny robot. In the meantime, please send me the [you-know-what].
12/14/2004 Redacto: Redacto!
12/15/2004 The Finch: While it is not inconceivable, it is unlikely that the part of Pauline Kael was played by scoop.
The Finch
12/17/2004 mr.coffee (4): yeah i get it...laughing at the genre.