home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


I woke up this morning with amnesia. I am being held prisoner in some sort of an underground chamber, it seems. It’s just like a movie: I have no idea who I am, how I got here, what my past consists of or even what my personality is like. Do I have a job? A family? Does anyone realize I'm missing? Are they looking for me now?

Actually these questions aren't even my number one concern at the moment…because the very first thing I discovered upon waking up is I’m an ugly fat fuck who emits a terrible odor!

Whoever I am, how could I have I let myself get this way? Why didn't I take better care of myself? Was it a case of low self-esteem? Or do I suffer from a genetic condition? Having no idea is maddening. There's only one thing I'm sure of right now: I need to find a way to get out of here.

Actually I'm only joking about all this stuff. I have a normal body, I shower regularly and I wear Old Spice deodorant. My memory's fine; my name's Walter and I'm a safety consultant!

I wish! Actually, I really am a foul-smelling fat fuck with amnesia.

Date Written: December 03, 2004
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4.4615

12/10/2004 qualcomm (5):
12/10/2004 TheBuyer (4): (no comment, thank you)
12/10/2004 Dylan Danko (5): Are you sure your name isn't Max?
12/10/2004 Dick Vomit (4): I'm down w/ the above.
12/10/2004 qualcomm: i may have to deduct a star. when i first read this, i thought the narrator had turned into a fat duck.
12/10/2004 Ewan Snow: Ha!
12/10/2004 Ewan Snow: A thousand oysters screaming out in pain...
12/10/2004 TREE (4): 5 without the 3rd graf. I think the idea of a fowl smelling duck is pretty good qualcomm.
12/10/2004 Mr. Pony (4): That's so weird, I thought it was a rat fuck.
12/10/2004 qualcomm: i think the author changed it from duck to fuck sometime this morning.
12/10/2004 TREE: If it gets changed back to duck someone has to vote a 6th star for me.
12/10/2004 Mr. Pony: Tree, I think you mean "foul". "Fowl" only refers to birds.
12/10/2004 TREE: Wow pony nothing slips past you.
12/10/2004 qualcomm: don't you mean "passed"?
12/10/2004 Dylan Danko: Boo ya!
12/10/2004 TREE: No I'm pretty sure this is happening now. I have reversed my timestream in the past/future but currently appears going forward in time.
12/10/2004 qualcomm: are you sure? because before, you were all, "12/8/2004 4:24:26 PM - TREE: yes of course the new guest assumes that he can sneak some plagurized material passed the ubergeeks at acme."
12/10/2004 qualcomm: well, author? are you going to admit you changed duck to fuck?
12/10/2004 TheBuyer: nail his duck changing ass to the wall.
12/10/2004 TREE: You are still an ubergeek qualcomm and no I am not sure at all. How would I know if I reversed my timestream unless I met someone going the other direction?
12/10/2004 Mr. Pony: A thousand oysters! I just got that.
12/10/2004 TREE: author change it back. Please.
12/10/2004 Dylan Danko: TheBuyer, are you responsible for this TREE guy?
12/10/2004 qualcomm: how do you define ubergeek anyway, tree? is it any of those rare individuals who have mastered the rarified field of basic grammar and punctuation?
12/10/2004 TREE: Dylan we already covered that. Qualcomm I fucked up and got called out on it tried to have some fun with it but apparently fell flat. No an ubergeek is not someone who can type well it is something of a compliment or so I thought. Apologies for offending you.
12/10/2004 Ewan Snow: Danko, we already established in a previuous thread that while buyer knows tree, he is not responsible for him, per se.
12/10/2004 qualcomm: buy you a molson, guy?
12/10/2004 Ewan Snow: Now, qualcomm, I just conducted a thorough review of the QWERTY keyboard and have conclusively established that D is right next to F. Maybe it was a lucky typo, then corrected. Or is it possible you just imagined it?
12/10/2004 qualcomm: i don't know. i just don't know anymore. author?
12/10/2004 Dylan Danko: My apologies, Snow. I'm not up on these things.
12/10/2004 qualcomm: author?
12/10/2004 anonymous: Why don't you ask the finch?
12/10/2004 anonymous: He seems to know quite a lot about water birds. EH FINCHY?????
12/10/2004 John Slocum (5): Fantastic curve ball. Totally unexpected movement in this one.
12/10/2004 Mr. Pony: movement
12/10/2004 John Slocum: you know, like on a curve ball. NOT A BOWEL MOVEMENT PONY!!
12/10/2004 The Rid (5): That last line is solid material. Solid waste material!
12/10/2004 cuntry (4):
12/10/2004 anonymous: i cant get passed this a one thousand oysters thing?
12/10/2004 Mr. Pony: past?
12/10/2004 anonymous: yes mrpony. sorry i thought i could just have some fun. its ok though, you and i can still be pals. see you in the time stream?
12/10/2004 TREE: !TIHS .maerts eht desrever evah I . DOG MY HO
12/10/2004 anonymous: Yes, TREE, why don't you Dog your ho?
12/10/2004 TREE: anon I am disapointed. Every time we start a dialogue you disappear. How is our relationship to grow? I also need to pay more attention to my bad jokes. Not really funny if I fuck up the punchlines. Thanks for being a bastard cause I sure need another one in my life.
12/10/2004 anonymous: TREE: Bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop !!!! !! ! ! !!
12/10/2004 TREE: ????????????
12/10/2004 anonymous: Sadly, TREE, I think you are doomed to be disappointed. bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop !!!!!!!!!!
12/10/2004 TREE: I am greatly saddened anon. I was hoping you could show me something surprising and wonderful. Alas my hopes are dashed and I am left bereft of even your occasional companionship.
12/10/2004 Litcube (5): Funny shit.
12/10/2004 Will Disney (5): yay for ???
12/10/2004 anonymous: Pony: please explain '1,000 oysters' quip & Danko's 'Max' reference. Also, please investigate which two single celled life forms voted for this as a controversy.
12/10/2004 The Fanch: That's 3 including... The Fanch!!!
12/10/2004 Mr. Pony: Sorry for the delay, author! I think the 1000 oysters thing that Ewan was doing has to do with mishearing (in the vein of qualcomm's misread of "fuck" as "duck") Obi-Wan Kenobi's line in Star Wars where, feeling the destruction of Alderaan, he says something like "It's as if thousands of voices cried out in pain...and then were suddenly silenced". As for this being voted the Latest Controversy, Disney tends to flag any sort of conflict. Qualcomm, however, usually flags his own shorts in an attempt to actually generate controversy; but this doesn't really seem like he wrote it, so maybe he mis-clicked--the link is awfully close to the add comment link. I don't know anything about the Fanch. Is he new? As for Danko's Max comment, I've no idea. Maybe he knows a fat fuck with amnesia named Max maybe? I don't know?
12/10/2004 Jon Matza: Most obliged, M. Pony. You are the personification of an elegant, mustachioed gentleman.
12/10/2004 qualcomm: whoa, the personification of another person, dude
12/10/2004 anonymous: Ok, FINE! Pony is the personification of a waxen elegant, mustachioed gentleman.
12/10/2004 anonymous: p.s. Stop impersonating me, Matza!
12/10/2004 Dylan Danko: This is my boss, Jonathan Hart, he's a millionaire, self-made. And this is his wife, Jennifer, she's quite a lady. Oh! and that's me, my name is Max. I take care of them, which ain't easy 'cause when they met, it was MURDER!
12/10/2004 Mr. Pony: BorgNINE!
12/11/2004 Ewan Snow: Excellent deduction, Mr. Pony. But the best part is that for years, until, like, highschool, qualcomm thought it was "thousand oysters". That still cracks me up!
12/11/2004 hagit mizrachy (4): MUST I GO ETHNIC ON YOUR HEINI!! Matza should never be affiliated with oysters! Basic rules of Kosher hostessing again disregarded by cads. Furthermore even a shicksa hostess knows that the Matza will absorb some of the oyster juice. It appears that Snow is "all wet" and slushing around in a malodorous boot to boot.
12/11/2004 Phony Millions (4):
12/11/2004 Jon Matza: Thank you, Hagit. Snow: in the future when making roundabout allusions to others' misreadings of words in my shorts I trust you'll keep my ancestors' dietary restrictions in mind!
12/11/2004 hagit mizrachy: A mitzvah for Matza. Mazel tov to me.
12/11/2004 John Slocum: Manishevitz (sp?) up your ass.
12/11/2004 hagit mizrachy: Livin' on a farm. Livin' on a farm. It's a put on. Cows and pigs and horses too. A thousand oysters crying out in pain. Rocky mountain thousand island dressed to kill.
12/11/2004 hagit mizrachy: Malbec would more suitably pair, eh Slocumb? The sweet wines are so non-enemaic.
12/11/2004 hagit mizrachy: Slocum.
12/11/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: hagit mizrachy?
12/11/2004 hagit mizrachy: Just plain old hag miz is fine.
12/11/2004 John Slocum: Danko?
12/12/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Are you a beautiful little Jewess?
12/12/2004 TheBuyer: Jewish Princess?
12/12/2004 Dylan Danko: No, not Danko. Welcome Hagit. Your scent is as familiar as day old tuna.
12/12/2004 hagit mizrachy: Thanks Danko. By any chance are you related to Dylan Dankowicz of Temple Zion? And yes, Snuffleluffagus I am beautiful in that crooked-eyed Askhenazi way. But back to the piece at hand. Matza, as a former safety consultant myself, the intellectual leap you presumed we'd make is transparent. That you have been kind enough not to criticize our dullness is a tribute to the year you spent in Nice. For the clarification of others: Clearly the protagonist was inspecting the interior of a hazmat conflagration chamber--likely in a local hospital. Due to inefficient firing, the chamber has failed to sufficiently burn the viral feces, fetal tissue, and the like. The protagonist, a typical miserable obese bureaucrat inpector(MOBI), is performing a night inspection and is overcome by the fumes--just like in a movie. The stress of the situation shakes our MOBI to the core. This short is about awakening, followed by relapse into denial, and finally by triumphant self-enlightenment. Surely this much is clear.
12/12/2004 hagit mizrachy: Ashkenazi - A darkie Jew.
12/12/2004 scoop: Hey, hagit mizrachy, Welcome! I know the Ashkenazi community is a tight-knit one. I was wondering if by chance you might now a Craig Lewis. He's a beautiful boy with delectable biceps who wrote this book about how Bing Crosby raped children during the making of White Christmas. Anyway, if see him, phlegm a salutation in his direction for us. Mazeltov.
12/12/2004 hagit mizrachy: How. Tonto now Craig. If see him. Phlegm. And remember Scoop, there is no "I" in a true communety.
12/12/2004 hagit mizrachy: How. Tonto now Craig. If see him. Phlegm. And remember Scoop, there is no "I" in a true communety.
12/12/2004 Dylan Danko: Hagit, Scoop is a hard nosed reporter. He can sniff your fraud.
12/12/2004 hagit mizrachy: I do find it difficult to obscure the Celtic roots of my syntax.
12/12/2004 The Finch: hagit mizrachy appears to be Jewish.
The Finch
12/12/2004 John Slocum: The last 4 comments were written by Danko.

The Slocum
12/13/2004 The Fanch: wrongo!
12/13/2004 Dylan Danko: Slocum, you're too good.
12/13/2004 John Slocum: Too good at what, driving howitzer-like shots into the upper right, not giving the goalie even a whiff of a chance at a save?