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[Excerpt from The Comprehensive Guide to Superhero Lineage]
Piotr had slept with countless women, of course. Why none but these three experienced mutation remains UNKNOWN.
Tatiana had lain down for him first, several years before the other two, on the shores of Lake Baikal during a modest break from their labor (this was at the Ust-Ordynski Collective, Siberia, in the former U.S.S.R.). His sister Illyana had introduced them to one humid afternoon, and not five minutes after she’d excused herself did the two steal away through the tall grass and fall together in a heap, Tatiana clawing up peaty clumps of moss and soil as he drove into her tawny thatch with rippling, equine athleticism.
It didn’t happen again until nine years later when Piotr met Daphne while waiting in line for the toilet early in the morning at a loft party in Soho. Possibly, they joked about Mayor Dinkins. Piotr may have made a goofy face. Nonetheless, they engaged in anonymous, furious intercourse two minutes later once they were on the other side of the bathroom door.
A week after that, the third of the women met—and slept with—Piotr Rasputin. Rheka was the lab technician conducting Piotr’s biopsy (his flesh was tested bi-monthly). Rheka was relatively green and couldn’t help but ask him about the marvelous osmium, organic steel of his striated chest muscles. After about three seconds of hesitant touch, she climbed him marsupially and slid upon the iron totem.
Today, of course, Tatiana, Daphne and Rheka, the founding sisters of mutant crime fighting syndicate, The Pulverisers, are better known by their codenames Shenis, Vulvula and Clitastix, three superheroes possessing the questionable mutant “talent” of being able to instantaneously and at will transform their vaginas into earth, a Bartles & James wine cooler and a petri dish, respectively.
NOTE: “Queen B.” did not join The Pulverisers until issue #18. And the story of Kevin Elray, a darling little French Connection UK retail clerk from Chelsea, who, following a one night stand with a “brutish russian”, acquired the ability to famously transform his spinctre into chiffon, has never been linked to Colossus’s crystal meth mini-series (Neo X-Men #’s 381-385).
Date Written: December 06, 2004Comments:
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 2.7778
12/16/2004 hagit mizrachy (2): The devil is in the details.
12/16/2004 anonymous: COMIC BOOK NERDS AATTACK
12/16/2004 Dylan Danko: Author, how many tube socks did you fill with jizz while writing this? How much zit splatter now covers your computer screen?
12/16/2004 anonymous: Is that a vote, Danko? Will it influence you? Because I spooged.
12/16/2004 Pale Male: Still deciding. Did you have a Heather Thomas poster on the wall?
12/16/2004 anonymous: Samantha Fox. Paulina Poriskova. Rachel Hunter.
12/16/2004 Dylan Danko (3): Sorry author I meant to vote. I just don't like mutant crime fighting. I wish this Pale Male character would go away.
12/16/2004 anonymous: Dinkoo: There's no actual crime fighting in this, though.
12/16/2004 Mr. Pony (2): I wish my extensive knowledge of the character in question helped my enjoyment of this! Strangely, I think the intentionally bland tone resulted in a bland short. I want you to know that my vote in no way indicates that I don't love you, author, and in fact, I appreciate the effort you put into this very very much.
12/16/2004 Dylan Danko: There never is, author, there never is.
12/16/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs (3): I read this while playing the theme from Dragnet in my head, and thus am three-starring the sumbitch.
12/16/2004 TheBuyer (3): The mutant ability to make 'dirtcunt' got a laugh out of me but there's a lot of non-dirtcunt piled on top of it.
12/16/2004 The Rid (3): I think you could have ended this after the recounting of the sexual escapades. The superhero crap that comes in the last 2 grafs is unnecessary. And it's Jaymes, with a y.
12/16/2004 Turgid (4): Weird.
12/16/2004 anonymous: Alas, you are all giant boners.
12/16/2004 anonymous: Also, I mean, it's asposed to be from an encyclopedia, but yeah. Ok.
12/16/2004 anonymous: [still suffering, here] Maybe the tone is dull. But twos? Aww man! I mean...TWOS? AWW, MAN!!!
12/16/2004 TheBuyer: I liked the dirtcunt thing, like I said. Actually the last two grafs could maybe stand alone as a four star short. Possibly. The point is, you're still pretty and I love that sweater on you.
12/16/2004 Litcube (3): I was pretty bored reading this, author. It could be that the subject matter simply doesn't appeal to me, that I skipped over some of it, or that it's really boring. That said, my vote shouldn't effect your score much. Are those new shoes?
12/16/2004 Colothuth: Hullo!
12/16/2004 Redacto: Redacto!
12/16/2004 anonymous: That is ok, Litcube!
12/17/2004 TheBuyer: Ricky, you're still number one, you fucking nerd. LAR LAR LAR!!
02/2/2005 Cyrus (2): this is boring
02/2/2005 Dick Vomit: And you, sir, are a GIGANTIC FAGGOT.