home authors guest shorts graphical shorts
AcmeShorts
When the host served his guests the yellow pepper soup flecked with red bits of roe and a swirl of green basil oil after a dainty Prosciutto-like Surry ham paired with figs and tangle of baby arugula, everyone had a nice little chuckle. He uncorked a bottle, impressed by his own bold pairing, and poured for everyone, eager for their reactions.
"Let me just start by saying," Dave announced, setting down his spoon then raising his glass as if to toast, "I simply do not shave, trim, or cut any of my pubic hair - I have asshole dandruff. They make Head and Shoulders, but they don't make Asshole and Shoes." And then he drank.
Silence.
"You know dandruff is caused by a fungus, right? Hey you stupid cunts, don't you know anything about jokes? Dummies, all of you! Giant gashes, smelly, humourless twats the lot of you! Wanna fight? HUH? Anyone, I'll fight you one at a time, all at once, whatever, assholes! Eat my shit, you chickenshit assholes, eat my motherfucking shit. Hey come ON it's a fucking joke, I'm joking, like Ha Ha, you know? Like real funny, I'm about to throw all the food on the floor in a hilarious fashion? Like, hilarious because it took Dave so long to make it?" Dave said. He turned to the host, again, also named Dave, "Hey Dave, if they made Asshole and Shoes, I wouldn't have this flakey asshole, am I right? Huh? Where did you find these fuckers? Huh? Fucking morons don't even like me, what the hell is wrong with you, Dave? Your parties suck, and you're a fag, Dave. Fag."
He got up and got his coat while everyone stared politely into their soup. A throat was cleared, then another.
Dave strode back over, "Hey, GOTCHA! Do you like me now? I don't care, fuck you. That was funny, though, right? Fuck you, I'm laughing, see? HA HA HA! Like that, like HA HA HA, because I'm so funny and clever like because also you are all too stupid and stuck up to like a joke. What, I'm kidding again, God you guys are dumb, haven't you caught on yet that I'm really a good guy? Huh? Hey? Like, a good guy? You know, like we could have a fist-fight or something but I'd buy you a beer after, you know? I'm a good guy, you're all shitheads. Oh man, how can you not laught there, at 'shitheads', that was hilarious!"
Ibid, silence.
"Fucking HELL, what is going to take to make you people laugh? How about retard jokes, you guys seem to be mildly retarded, hey? Tards? Riding short buses is what tards enjoy because they like to lick windows? Get it? Because they're retarded, they LICK the window. Like, normal people would just look out through it but if a person is a retard, they would lick the window, don't you get this? What the hell, you're all idiots, don't you know anything? Why are you all so quiet, why are you all so afraid to talk to me? HUH? Fags. God, everyone is stupid except me, I hate that. So, seriously, are you guys going to like me soon or what? I'll just wait right here and make an innapropriate noise, like a fart sound, if someone does something I don't like, ok? Whatever, I'm doing it anyway, assholes. So, do you like me yet? Guys? Assholes? HEY fuckers , what is your collecitive problem? Dave, your friends are so stupid. God, Dave, why is everyone you know so stupid and mean, they don't even like jokes. Dave, you tard, Dave," Dave said, "Fuck this bullshit party where no one likes me and no one gets jokes and everyone's a fucking asshole, fuck this, I'm staying."
Date Written: December 08, 2004
Author: TheBuyer
Average Vote: 4.33333
Comments:
12/15/2004 anonymous: From Author - This will be my last short of the year, no tapbacks.
12/20/2004 qualcomm (5):
12/20/2004 The Rid: So, I thought this short started out great - truly great - but degenerated into a constant stream of goofy one-notedness (is that explicit enough?). I feel like this starts as a five but is now a four or even a three.
12/20/2004 anonymous: The Rid, benefit of the doubt - pretend I did it on purpose and try to figure out why.
12/20/2004 scoop: Ibid, five stars.
12/20/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5): I sorta thought this was the point, Rid. I'm fiving it because it was both funny and oddly poignant. At first I was disappointed that host Dave and rampage Dave weren't one and the same, but then I got over it.
12/20/2004 Dylan Danko (5): The Rid, what is your collective problem?
12/20/2004 scoop: "Poignant." What are you Jimson, a girl?
12/20/2004 hagit mizrachy (4): There's a good set up and some funny shit in here, but I must agree with Rid. Plus, there's nooooo waaaay two people named Dave could be that different!
12/20/2004 The Rid (4): Author, let's assume I "get it" but don't really "like it." The consistancy in the one notedness is something to admire, however.
12/20/2004 anonymous: Rid - Okay!
12/20/2004 Ewan Snow: Hate to say it, but I agree with Rid a little on this one. I had no doubt that the short's length and singular focus were intended to drive home the endlessness of Dave's "funniness", and it works, but the short is a victim of its own success in this area.
12/20/2004 The Rid: Ewan: Though I know your agreement with my argument does not mean you like me, per se, I'm nevertheless touched.
12/20/2004 Will Disney (4):
12/20/2004 Will Disney: maybe instead of 'dave' the guy should be named 'qualcomm' ?
12/20/2004 Ewan Snow: That's real tender, Rid. Real tender.
12/20/2004 anonymous: You know what's tender? A good ribeye.
12/20/2004 qualcomm: why do you say that, disney? is there some subtext here that dave singlehandedly saved his friends' website from mediocrity and re-invented the short-short wheel many times over? because i don't see it. i just don't.
12/20/2004 Ewan Snow: No, qc, I think he was referring to the other Dave. You know, the host? Is that what you meant, Disney?
12/20/2004 qualcomm: yeah, but that doesn't make sense either, because i don't see any hint of host dave's possessing a singularly opulent cock. am i missing some implied thing going on here?
12/20/2004 anonymous: It's an inside short but not at your expense, qualcomm. And, man, how do I put this without sounding like a total drama-Dave -
12/20/2004 John Slocum (3): Hate to say it, but The Rid agrees with me on this one. This guy is satisfyingly indignant like fence guy, but man was this fucking difficult to get through. The same joke over and over again with no development? Fuck you, Mr. Joshua.
12/20/2004 The Rid: Note: Snow still hates me. In other news, Slocum agrees, too?
12/20/2004 Jon Matza: The reason no one's pointed out this is about tree's stint on acme is because it's so obvious it goes without saying, right?
12/20/2004 anonymous: here's the whole story, and please pardon me explaining if you're [collectively] way ahead of me and this is obvious. TheBuyer is Dave the host. tree is Dave the guest, the dinner party is acmeshorts, the dinner wine/food pairing is a short, the guilt is on TheCanadian for inviting someone without adequate training, etc. Actually, I had counted on him weighing in right away and cancelling out any speculation, but he didn't. It should be noted that this has nothing to with The Rid, nor should he inferr that I have any 'feelings' for him or her.
12/20/2004 anonymous: ...as Matza, beats me to it.
12/20/2004 qualcomm: i thought it might be about tree, but there wasn't quite enough gay-baiting to convince me.
12/20/2004 The Rid: Thanks, Author! You've saved me from making a gay joke!
12/20/2004 The Rid: PS, where is TREE anyway? Did someone ban him? Or did he just give up?
12/20/2004 TREE (4): Still here fuckwad's. Just waiting for something interesting to happen. Also this is good, nice and colorfull, not spectacular but good.
12/20/2004 anonymous: Way to go, Rid. Way to say his name out loud!
12/20/2004 The Rid: Yeah. Fuck.
12/20/2004 TREE: ANON!!! Where have you been? I missed you a lot. Got anything interesting to say? Can you put me in touch with the Great Satan?
12/20/2004 Litcube (5): I saw the goal here right away, and thought it was well executed, though it could have used a few more paragraphs of the same shit over and over again. Half way through, I was wondering if Dave represented TheBuyer. Interesting light, that.
12/20/2004 hagit mizrachy: If this is really about TREE et al, this short is only a 3 because it devotes too much time and effort to our inward little world here.
12/20/2004 anonymous: but don't you see, I love the little world and all of the little people that live on it/stare at it.
12/20/2004 hagit mizrachy: I stand corrected. My interest with your obsession is proof that I too am falling in love with the Acmen and women. Anybody wanna play twister?
12/20/2004 Dylan Danko: Hey everyone, Danko's gonna go home now, make himself a nice glass of sambuca and dream of good times.
12/21/2004 qualcomm: betrayal.
12/21/2004 scoop: A dream to some...
12/21/2004 scoop: ...A NIGHTMARE TO OTHERS!
12/21/2004 TheBuyer: ya.
12/21/2004 scoop: TheBuyer, how are you guy? Long time no speak. Working hard or hardly working?
12/21/2004 TheBuyer: Ya, you know, same ol same ol, eh. Four mondays and a friday! Heh.
12/21/2004 scoop: Ya,ya.
12/21/2004 John Slocum: Bacon, Molson.
12/21/2004 TheBuyer: Aww too hosed. Bloody caesar?
12/21/2004 Litcube: Hey, dudes.
12/21/2004 TheBuyer: Hey Licube! friggin cold today, eh?
12/21/2004 Litcube: Sure is, Buyer! I was up in Whistler yesterday and it was even COLDER!
12/21/2004 TheBuyer: hey qualcomm, who was your last comment directed at?
12/21/2004 qualcomm: you. you brought the hapless TR__ to the site, then rolled him with this short. do you know him "offline"?
12/21/2004 TheBuyer: Yup. I don't know about 'hapless'.
12/21/2004 TREE: qc by hapless do you mean jinxed, schlemiel or wretched?
12/21/2004 Redacto: i meant, "not acme's kind of canadian"
12/21/2004 Redacto: er, i mean, Redacto!
12/21/2004 TheBuyer: Redacto, I guess that's what qc meant, sure. That issue is hinted at in the short - 'Dave' had absolutely no idea that any of that was going to happen, he wasn't trying to ambush an idiot for sport, and neither was I, Redacto.
12/21/2004 TREE: You absolutely were trying to 'ambush an idiot for sport" Assbandit. For fuck sakes at least stand up for what you have created. I thought this was FUNNY! and I was the one getting slammed. Be a man you pussy.
12/21/2004 TheBuyer: Not so much. It was more like recording someone doing something embarassing and then playing it for them at their own party in front of the same friends with whom he was with at the time of the recording (i.e., showing the video of someone's first wedding at the stag party for their second wedding). If I was going to ambush you, I would have baited you.
12/21/2004 TheBuyer: ...that sentence should be taken out and shot.
12/21/2004 TREE: wasn't the short itself baiting me?
12/21/2004 Litcube: That sentence was fucking funny, though. Have you seen the hotel video that Sally gave Yahzick? We're in it dude, and it's nuts funny. Mostly, it's Yahzick shamefully hitting on Sally.
12/21/2004 TheBuyer: Litcube - No, dude I have to see that! I'll trade you postcards and drinks, deal?
tree - I'm not sure what you mean. If you mean it was supposed to make you flip out and make a bunch of insane comments then no, that just would have been sort of ironic.
12/21/2004 TREE: Fuck!! I wasted a whole day not making fag jokes or calling all these fuckwads retards for nothing.....shit
12/21/2004 Litcube: I have it in .wmv format only. It's 60 MB worth of some of the funniest shit in PoCo history.
12/21/2004 Delta Dawn: Good for you TheBuyer! I was also wondering, how do you feel about plus-sized women? I have a cottage near Lake Superior, maybe we could get together and go over your shorts some time. Or we could go over your stories.
12/22/2004 TheBuyer: Thanks! You undersell yourself, Delta Dawn, change the names and fill that comment out and it would make a good guest short!
04/24/2006 Master Bates: ew wow!
08/18/2009 Litcube: I love the last line. "Fuck this, I'm staying."
08/18/2010 Marvin_Bernstein: you wrote this about me right/ and I once bought a cake that was supposed to be chocolate but smelled wrong.... turds out it had fecal matter in it