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“Jim Lipidina met Linda Gregario in 1983 at a Journey concert in the Hartford Civic Center. Soon after, they were married and settled down in a ranch house in Colchester, CT. When their son James reached the age of three, I met the family in my office for the first time and they told me their story. I knew right away that I could help them with their financial needs.”
“Now I’m no fool, mind you. I smelled Jim and Linda’s gassy mediocrity right away. I play Dungeons and Dragons, damn it, and I cherish the pearly wisdom of my ‘Chaotic Good’ dwarf character named Onno. That night in bed, Onno told me a way to chisel down the couple’s pallid sadness into a lapidary diamond of proletariat ass-fucking glee. In the meantime, I told Jim and Linda that a sound strategy for investment was to Diversify, Diversify, Diversify.”
“There were days of yearning and nights spent in rage as I met with the family. By slicing off globules of liquid fat from their obese boy with an obsidian rasp, I found a way to feed Jim and Linda in a way that would satisfy them both. Later on, I helped arrange to put more of their IRA savings in annuities, and also created a ‘ladder’ of bonds that would mature in 2 year intervals from each other – always a safe bet.”
“Often, Linda told me her fears – we all have fears damn it. But my friend Steve gave me a tip - I’d simply slice through the exterior of her cortex with my one fang and find a way back to a better time – a time when pubic hair was acceptable and the collective burden of history wasn’t so prevalent. As I sucked on Linda’s life energy, feeding my need, Jim explained that as a child, he had a vision of me in a dream, and I suggested that they refinance their mortgage – take advantage of the interest rates while they were still low. It made sense to him and he took my advice.”
“One night Jim and I went to the bar together and fed our idiot lust on wasted images –sad reminders of dead sports heroes played out in a game of necrophiliac rage. As we banged on the rotting male corpses with our blue-tinted old-man cocks, I told Jim that as he got closer to retirement, we’d start moving his family’s savings bit by bit over into more fixed-income securities – municipal bonds had always been sturdy and dependable in Connecticut ever since I got into this business 17 years ago, usually offering a yearly return of 3 to 4%.”
“But I digress.”
Date Written: December 11, 2004
Author: Phony Millions
Average Vote: 4.81818