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“Jim Lipidina met Linda Gregario in 1983 at a Journey concert in the Hartford Civic Center. Soon after, they were married and settled down in a ranch house in Colchester, CT. When their son James reached the age of three, I met the family in my office for the first time and they told me their story. I knew right away that I could help them with their financial needs.”

“Now I’m no fool, mind you. I smelled Jim and Linda’s gassy mediocrity right away. I play Dungeons and Dragons, damn it, and I cherish the pearly wisdom of my ‘Chaotic Good’ dwarf character named Onno. That night in bed, Onno told me a way to chisel down the couple’s pallid sadness into a lapidary diamond of proletariat ass-fucking glee. In the meantime, I told Jim and Linda that a sound strategy for investment was to Diversify, Diversify, Diversify.”

“There were days of yearning and nights spent in rage as I met with the family. By slicing off globules of liquid fat from their obese boy with an obsidian rasp, I found a way to feed Jim and Linda in a way that would satisfy them both. Later on, I helped arrange to put more of their IRA savings in annuities, and also created a ‘ladder’ of bonds that would mature in 2 year intervals from each other – always a safe bet.”

“Often, Linda told me her fears – we all have fears damn it. But my friend Steve gave me a tip - I’d simply slice through the exterior of her cortex with my one fang and find a way back to a better time – a time when pubic hair was acceptable and the collective burden of history wasn’t so prevalent. As I sucked on Linda’s life energy, feeding my need, Jim explained that as a child, he had a vision of me in a dream, and I suggested that they refinance their mortgage – take advantage of the interest rates while they were still low. It made sense to him and he took my advice.”

“One night Jim and I went to the bar together and fed our idiot lust on wasted images –sad reminders of dead sports heroes played out in a game of necrophiliac rage. As we banged on the rotting male corpses with our blue-tinted old-man cocks, I told Jim that as he got closer to retirement, we’d start moving his family’s savings bit by bit over into more fixed-income securities – municipal bonds had always been sturdy and dependable in Connecticut ever since I got into this business 17 years ago, usually offering a yearly return of 3 to 4%.”

“But I digress.”

Date Written: December 11, 2004
Author: Phony Millions
Average Vote: 4.81818

12/17/2004 Ewan Snow (5): Now that's some sound financial advice! I love the combo of sweaty insanity and flaccid economics.
12/17/2004 Jon Matza (5): All I know is Dick Gregario's going to be furious when he hears about this...
12/17/2004 The Rid (5): A dwarf named Onno...you knew him, too?
12/17/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5): Whoa. I think I just met a guy named Onno.
12/17/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: By the way, I didn't read the Rid's comment before I responded. I was being sincere.
12/17/2004 John Slocum: Excellent!
12/17/2004 Will Disney: Wait, I think I knew that guy Onno!
12/17/2004 Will Disney (5):
12/17/2004 TheBuyer (5): "...a way to chisel down the couple’s pallid sadness into a lapidary diamond of proletariat ass-fucking glee" dandy.
12/17/2004 hagit mizrachy (5): Slicing through the exterior cortex with fang is wicked funny. As a former Aztec priest, I did much slicing with obsidian cutlery, but we never used a rasp.
12/17/2004 Dylan Danko (5): Gassy mediocrity***** This is fantastic, though I'm not sure the last line is necessary.
12/17/2004 The Rid: Really, Danko? The last line might have been my favorite.
12/18/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Oh.
12/18/2004 John Slocum (5): This is phenomenal! What Snow said at the bottom. I had a stimulating ebb and flow of images (yes danko, different than watching porn) as I read the text. And I learned 2 new words!!!! How about that?
12/21/2004 Ewan Snow: I'm still enjoying this one. It's funny, though, cuz I could have sworn Jim and Linda met at Loehmann's Plaza.
12/22/2004 Phony Millions: Yeah, or TGI Friday's...Must think...
12/23/2004 scoop (3): This things has a few shining moments, but its a mess, and feels really labored. Its a Frankenstein cobbled together rom all these idiosychratic parts that don't make a whole.
12/23/2004 scoop: "from"
12/23/2004 scoop: "Make a hole."
03/14/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Oops, I meant this one. Derned link helper.
01/26/2011 qualcomm (5):