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Dear You,

Fuck. I know what you are feeling right now. What I did isn’t about you -- it’s about me. I never meant to hurt you. I know, now, shelacking your sister's girl holes in the TV room, the Den, etc., was not the bossest of ideas -- I know that. But you have to understand that I have a real self-destructive thing, you know. It’s like I’m allergic to happiness or something. And, in a way, baby, that’s a compliment, that thing I did with your sister and your sister’s perfectly shaped, elegantly tended racing striped, fashionably pierced pussy. Because it shows how happy I am with you.

Listen, I’ll be the first to admit I have “issues.” But before you tear this up I know what you’re thinking. My use of the word “issues” is an disturbing example of Orwell’s old warnings about the pollution of language (as fresh today as it was fifty years ago) and you’re right. The introduction of abstract, clunky politicalese to describe the particular with fuzzy abstractions does more to conceal than reveal meaning. But what you have to realize is that Wittgenstein tells us we live in a world that is constituted by language. Wittgenstein, baby, Wittgenstein.

Look, I’d say I’m sorry about the sister thing. But to forgive is to go endorse some dated notion of free-will, no? I mean we’re all adults here (I know, I know except your sister). I mean we’re not clinging to that old gag are we??? The numerous orgasms I achieved with your sister were nothing more than the mechanical gesticulations of a determined puppet, animated by forces beyond my control. Remember my thesis baby, my thesis? I mean, come on. Like the series of events in which I alternately porked your sisters’ various orifices could have happened any other way? I mean the “words” I used to get her in the sack were imbued with meaning (whatever that means) long before I was born. The language is not mine; I didn’t “choose” it. My biological compulsion to spread my seed isn’t something I “chose” to do. Cinching my belt around your sister’s neck and tugging on it with each thrust wasn’t my idea (it was your sister’s actually) but you get the point.

Baby, Kundera tells us that the struggle of man against power is the struggle of memory against forgetting. It’s time to huddle up with Forgetting and run a single back-three wide trips-post corners play and chalk this mother in the win column. Go off play action. Memory always bites on play action. We’ll send that Memory fucker home with its tail between its legs. What do you say, baby?

Date Written: December 11, 2004
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 4.9333

12/20/2004 qualcomm (5): lustre-heavy day here at acme
12/20/2004 The Rid (5): Now I think I know what you mean by "Lustre." This short is awesome!
12/20/2004 TheBuyer (5):
12/20/2004 Dylan Danko (5): When I started reading I wasn't particular impressed but the author's knowledge of wittgenstein, among other things, impressed me greatly.
12/20/2004 Ewan Snow: I'm not so sure about this one. I mean, shelacking her sister's girl holes may in fact have been the bossest of ideas.
12/20/2004 Ewan Snow (5):
12/20/2004 Will Disney (5):
12/20/2004 hagit mizrachy (5): Remember my thesis baby, my thesis? "words".... A masterpiece. Though it disturbs me because I keep trying to find problems with it--but can't.
12/20/2004 Dylan Danko: The author has recently taken to alcohol and i consider this a good development.
12/20/2004 Turgid: Not to be a jerk, but "three wide" and "trips" is redundant.
12/20/2004 Jon Matza (5): Bonus jumbo loin shank!
12/20/2004 Dylan Danko: I'd like to commend the author once again. Just had a re-read and laughed even harder.
12/20/2004 Ewan Snow: This is Matza, right. I mean his comment and vote below are there to "trick" us, right? RIGHT???
12/20/2004 qualcomm: you don't know nothing
12/20/2004 TheBuyer: Put money on John Slocum.
12/20/2004 Jon Matza: it's scoop you dentheads
12/20/2004 scoop (5): Unless it's you Snow and your vote is there to trick us, further trickerized with the trickery of accusing someone else of trickery.
12/20/2004 qualcomm: who you calling denthead?
12/20/2004 Ewan Snow: Well, speak up, asshole (qc). I have my reasons not to think it's Matza, such as the weird philosophical references. But the Orwell reference and the general shtick point toward Matza. Is this you, qc? Is that what you're telling the acme community? I could believe it's yours, in fact, that was my, like, other guess. Buyer, why Slocum?
12/20/2004 Ewan Snow: Scoop? Hwhy scoop?
12/20/2004 Ewan Snow: Hwhat makes you think that? HWHAT?
12/20/2004 qualcomm: you really are a douchetard. it's scoop. it's clearly scoop. all the philosophical mumbo-jumbo. besides brad evans, who'd never write such a prurient piece, scoop's the only one here who can pull off that jargon convincingly.
12/20/2004 qualcomm: also: "words"
12/20/2004 TheBuyer: I went back to this the other day, seemed similar enough. Though, "bossest of ideas" has me leaning a scoop now. I wonder who got laid more in their early 20's, that'd make a difference.
12/20/2004 Ewan Snow: Well, I guess I am a douchtard. I always thought scoop's philosophical mumbo jumbo was just an extension of his posting random quotes. You see, I have no insights into the dark and tricky mind of this scoop character. Usually I can only tell it's scoop because he spells "into" as two words, like "ass hole". In any case, great short, scoop. Maybe Disney will finally take down the message on the guest page congratulating you for becoming an author!
12/20/2004 scoop: Stop with the ruse Snow. I get it. I get it. I gave you your five stars now leave me alone. But before you leave, how about an Ea$y Street Bar, just to get me through next week?
12/20/2004 qualcomm: fyi: scoop also uses than instead of then, and vice-versa
12/20/2004 anonymous: Just FYI, qualcomm has intimacy "issues".
12/20/2004 Ewan Snow: If you know how to snuggle him right he's a Teddy bear, Author. So you have to ask yourself what you're bringing to the table.
12/20/2004 anonymous: I'm a grower not a shower, emotionally.
12/20/2004 Jon Matza: Right on, Scoop. What's important isn't expressing your emotions...it's expressing your ME-motions!
12/21/2004 cuntry (5): a pleasure to read
12/21/2004 TheBuyer: Fuck.
12/21/2004 scoop: Cuntry, I got my shots, made the necessary arrangements with my consulate, and have my passport and other essential papers in order. So hat does it take to cross your borders?
12/21/2004 Litcube (5): Nicely done, Scooper.
12/21/2004 Phony Millions (4): What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
12/21/2004 scoop: Your music is overrated, Brad.
12/21/2004 Moe-Ron (5): Why'd you have to go and ruin a thing of beauty like that, Brad? And just so you all know, the only reason scoop knows about all these philosphers is because he recently bought "Philosophy For Dummies: The First 2,000 Years."
12/21/2004 qualcomm: sounds like you must have recently purchased a copy of "Statements Whose Intent To Make A Fellow Feel Good Is Questionable At Best For Dummies"!
12/21/2004 Dylan Danko: This schtick is nearing the end of it's not that funny course.
12/21/2004 Dylan Danko: sans apostrophe
12/21/2004 Moe-Ron: qualcomm, is that comment supposed to make me feel good?
12/21/2004 qualcomm: moe-ron: it was really more of a think piece, intention-wise. danko: was that supposed to make me feel good?
12/22/2004 John Slocum (5): Imma hop on this one and give you 5 stars, which you definitely deserve here, despite feeling stung by your 1-starring my short. I'd like to revenge vote you, I'M DYING TO REVENGE VOTE YOUR SHORT, but I'm too much of a man, an adult, a well-adjusted, civically-minded, responsible and honest individual (as distinguished from a collective) to stoop that low. And you can keep that $150. It's all yours. No, really, keep it and treat yourself to something nice, like a pair of pants or a kerchief. Thanks for this short.
12/22/2004 Phony Millions: This whole experience has been edifying.
12/28/2004 senator (5): How old is the sister? The only reason this gets 5 is because the author eluded that the sister was not an adult. Well, that and the fact that it was an excellent read. Did anyone notice the last paragraph seemed completely different than the rest of the "letter". I liked it too.
12/28/2004 Susan Sontag: Man, this fucker's funny.
12/28/2004 The Empath: yeah, i liked how it eluded that as well, senator. in fact, there were all sorts of elusions that were cool here.
12/28/2004 qualcomm: wow, that was cold, empath
12/28/2004 Susan Sontag: If I weren't already dead I'd fuck Senator. Dumb guys really know how to use their cocks. I luuuuuuuuuuv cock!
12/28/2004 Paula Zahn: Oh. My. God. So do I. Like you wouldn't believe. Hey senator, care to fill my erotically supparating newshole?
12/28/2004 scoop`s diaphragm: Learn to spell, you non-print cunt.
01/28/2005 Daphne: I'm pretty sure I got run over by this same guy's brain bus once.
01/29/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (5): Tremendous.
1/28/2005 7:32:14 PM - qualcomm: shut up, streif.