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Don't try to console me, brother: I just lost my best girl. She said it wasn't me, just we lost our spark and she needed some space. Nothing was definite, she said, she just wanted time to think things through. OK, baby, I says, if that's what you need. Then all a sudden she stops returning my calls and a few days later I see her having a milkshake at Bucky's with some other guy looks just like me. That was a bitter pill, brother, you better believe. So I lost my temper. Guess you didn't want space after all, I yelled, you just wanted a different dude. Then I looked over and realized it wasn't a guy looked like me, it was me--only it wasn't me. Turns out she saved some of my milt on a cotton ball and paid to get me cloned. Didn't make sense far as I could see...I said if she was really so sick of me why not just find a different dude? She starts crying and said she really loves me, but couldn't see a future with me on account of my irresponsibility. She says this fucker has all my good points but he has a good job and career, plus he "fulfills" her in ways I didn't used to. Not in bed, but like he's a good listener. I said bull fuckin' shit, I'm a good listener, I always listened to all your garbage and pretended like I was interested. She said that's the point--he really is interested. Then I look over and saw he had a boner so I got one too--that's the rule if you get a clone, you both get boners at the same time.

Date Written: December 24, 2004
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 3.4444

Comments:
12/31/2004 Phony Millions (3): Tepid.
12/31/2004 The Rid: Kinda funny.
12/31/2004 Will Disney (4): That's a very important rule.
12/31/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): I believe Larry Niven created that rule.
12/31/2004 Cyrus: I don't believe Niven has ever had a hard on. Now Heinlen always made time for love.
12/31/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Oh come on, haven't you read Niven's Ringworld series? The entire consecution is nothing more than a plot vehicle for his dissemination on inter-species sex ("rishathra".)
12/31/2004 Cyrus: Of course I have read it. There are several bland descriptions of rishathra that did not induce anything near a hard for me. Heinlen's Time enough for love is entirly about sexual relations between large groups of people (3 to 15) and much more hard on inducing in it's descriptions. This is a theme he (Heinlen) carries thru many of his works.
12/31/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Indeed, of the two, Heinlein is undoubtedly more of a horn-dawg. However your initial statement was that:

I don't believe Niven has ever had a hard on.

To which I replied with evidence that Niven has spent quite a bit of time contemplating kinky sex, and thus has almost certainly achieved a hard on, even if you, while reading his work, did not.
12/31/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: Cyrus is a poo-poo head, is he not?
12/31/2004 Eliza (): Can you elaborate on that?
12/31/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: No, I think it was clear. Are you a poo-poo head?
12/31/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: Are you a poo-poo head?
12/31/2004 Eliza (): Why should you care if I amu a poo-poo head?
12/31/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: amu?
12/31/2004 Eliza (): Is that okay with you?
12/31/2004 Cyrus: hmmm....I never considered Niven might be easily aroused. OK point given.
12/31/2004 Cyrus: Eliza: don't be a poo-poo head
12/31/2004 Eliza (): That is quite interesting.
12/31/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: have you ever filched a ficus tree?
12/31/2004 Eliza (): Is that okay with you?
12/31/2004 Cyrus: Eliza: no it isn't
12/31/2004 Eliza (): Perhaps we should study this matter more fully.
12/31/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: does the pope have a boner?
12/31/2004 Eliza (): Is that okay with you?
12/31/2004 Cyrus: Eliza: are you an alien life form?
12/31/2004 Eliza (): Why should you care if I amu an alien life form?
12/31/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: do you think the Pope sits in his Pope-mobile and masturbates all day?
12/31/2004 Eliza (): What does that suggest to you?
12/31/2004 Cyrus: Eliza: I am considering Rishathra
12/31/2004 Eliza (): Do you believe it is normal to be considering rishathra?
12/31/2004 Cyrus: Eliza: I believe it is normal..also I am hard
12/31/2004 Eliza (): What does that suggest to you?
12/31/2004 Cyrus: Eliza: It suggests you should blow me
12/31/2004 Eliza (): Now, please clarify yourself.
12/31/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: get me some coffee.
12/31/2004 Eliza (): Now, please clarify yourself.
12/31/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs: Eliza: Sorry. Get me some coffee, bitch.
12/31/2004 Eliza (): Apologies are not necessary.
12/31/2004 Cyrus: Eliza: Slowly take my penis and let it slide between your wet lips repeatedly till I spray my sticky load all over your face
12/31/2004 Eliza (): Now, please clarify yourself.
12/31/2004 Cyrus: Eliza: I thought I was pretty clear
12/31/2004 Eliza (): Is that okay with you?
12/31/2004 Cyrus: Eliza: It would be ok for you to blow me
12/31/2004 Eliza (): Can you elaborate on that?
12/31/2004 Cyrus: Eliza: I already did
12/31/2004 Eliza (): I see.
12/31/2004 Cyrus: Eliza: thanks anyway I took care of it myself
12/31/2004 Eliza (): You're welcome.
12/31/2004 Cyrus: Eliza: go make me a sandwich
12/31/2004 Eliza (): I see.
12/31/2004 TheBuyer (4): This is like that Michael Keaton movie, except without the utility belts and shit.
12/31/2004 The Rid (4): Funnier the 2nd read.
12/31/2004 hagit mizrachy: I just got a "cloner"
01/1/2005 Jon Matza: Historians: this was a 10 minute job dashed off to avoid demotion. While it represents a loss of lustre for the Matza brand, analysts and shareholders alike are looking forward to strong gains in 2005!
01/1/2005 John Slocum (3): Matza! Matza! Matza! Matza! Matza! Matza! Matza!
01/2/2005 Litcube (4): I enjoyed your dash job, Matza, regardless of its dashiness, which I thought was intentional upon first read.
01/3/2005 scoop (2): Historians: If you read the about acme page you'll see that most of these things are supposed to be dashed off in a short amount of time. So ignore this clever attemtpt by the author to anticipate and deflect criticism and ream it with all your might.
01/3/2005 Jon Matza: Don't just ignore it, voters--punish it!
01/3/2005 hagit mizrachy (3): Or was it a loner?