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“Your problem here is that you’ve been stuffing too many bunnies into the intake vent at once,” Joe said with the slight condescension of a teacher correcting a pupil. He wiped his oily hands on the front of his stained, weathered Carhart workman’s jacket and scratched the back of his head even though it didn’t itch. He assessed the Bunny Compression Mincing Shredder XL-2017 with the concern of a doctor examining a beloved patient. “You’ve got a clog here,” Joe said more to him self then to Clareene who stood smacking on a piece of gum. “Yes indeedy you got yourself a clog.”

“Well can you fix it,” Clareene barked impudently. She was young, heartless and brash. One of the new breed. All steel no magnolia.

“I’m gonna have to aren’t I,” Joe whispered, the crags in his face echoed in the deep scars gouged in the husk of the old machine. “These bunnies won’t shred themselves.”

He opened his tool case and took out his favorite tool, wrapped with care in a worn rag, to keep it separate from the others. On some level Joe understood that no amount of magic was going to fix a machine. But that didn’t keep him from being superstitious. Hell no. He still believed in the old ways, even though they were dying a slow death like this old XL-2017 wheezing and sputtering before him.

“Wait a sec. What is this?” Joe resented employees who didn’t respect the machines. I mean if you won’t have respect for the damn machine at least have it for your self, for your trade, for your craft. “Have you been shoving dyed bunnies down this thing? You can’t do that, ma’am. No, no, no. These old models can’t handle it. We’ve got an XL-2017 here. This old gal’s got her own set of needs.”

“Listen, bub, my boss say we need 500 gallons by Friday. He says they have to be dyed. So I start filling the old antique up.” She kicked the machine

Joe winced. “Her up,” Joe corrected her.

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing, nothing,” Joe muttered. They were speaking a different language.

Clareene was growing impatient with the old timer. “Can you fix it or not.”

“Her.” Joe clenched his jaw. “Yeah I’ll get her up and running by the end of the day,” Joe said.

"Whatever." Clareene rolled her eyes and stomped off.

“I can’t tell you how much more she’s got left but she’ll give you all she’s got," Joe said mistily to the empty room. "They don't make them like they used to.”

Funny thing is you could say the same about Joe.

Date Written: January 02, 2005
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 3.8182

01/10/2005 Will Disney: This one has got some good old-timey lines in it.
01/10/2005 qualcomm: "him self then"
01/10/2005 Stomach Foot: Stomach Foot here.
01/10/2005 Jon Matza: dying breed...
01/10/2005 The Rid: I kinda like this short.
01/10/2005 Litcube: So did I, Rid... [Stoic gaze at short]... So did I.
01/10/2005 qualcomm: is morgan freeman narrating here?
01/10/2005 Mr. Pony: I kinda like this too; but Author: isn't the idea of a machine that is designed to shred bunnies just a little, well; extreme? I mean, you are aware of how cute and fuzzy-wuzzy an adowabow da bunnies awa, awen youw?
01/10/2005 Litcube: I have a really great link I can share to reinforce Mr. Pony's sentiments.
01/10/2005 TheBuyer (5): The bunnies are fine, they're just crossing over the rainbow bridge, that's all. Anyone says otherwise they can cross the rainbow fucking bridge too.
01/10/2005 Mr. Joshua (5): Nice work, QC.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: This is scoop, not qc, right?
01/10/2005 cuntry: gallons of what? gallons of bunny juice? i've read it like 4 times and still confused.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Yes, bunny juice/slurry it seems...
01/10/2005 Phony Millions (3): 3.4
01/10/2005 cuntry (4): fine then. 3.7. there was something off for me, although i liked much of it
01/10/2005 Mr. Joshua: Snow...I thought maybe Scoop, but the graf "He opened his tool case...." seemed very qc
01/10/2005 Mr. Pony (3): I liked some stuff in this, but as I indicated before, I think the idea that a bunny-shredding machine is supposed to make me, the average Acme Shorts reader, think anything besides "I am meant to be thinking something here" is more than a little insulting. Seems like a watered-down version of the device used effectively in the Pederast Cycle. Also, the errors in punctuation needlessly interrupt the flow and seem to indicate a similar lack of consideration for the audience. In short, author, why do you hate us so?
01/10/2005 Stomach Foot: Stomach Foot here. Author, have you considered renaming Joe General Woundwort and ending the short with him staring hypnotized into the inviting maw of the Bunny Compression Mincing Shredder XL-2017?
01/10/2005 anonymous: OR: Have you considered stapling your penis to your knee?
01/10/2005 qualcomm: pony, i don't think you're supposed to be "thinking something" re the bunnies. i don't even think you're supposed to be shocked or anything like that. rather, the fact that the machine shreds cute lil bunnies is to further parody the sort of good ol' days mentality personified in joe/general woundwort. it doesn't matter what the machine does, he romanticizes it because it represents some blue collar hero ethos to him. it's a bit like nazism, his nostalgia for simpler times and heroization of the common greasemonkey. sort of like royal trux explored in their epic, "Stevie" -- "You don't know how the cameras work / There's just always someone there to fix them..."
01/10/2005 Mr. Joshua: Alright...so maybe I was wrong about the author of this. But that doesn't mean that I'm wrong about TREE!
01/10/2005 Mr. Pony: I think I see what you're saying, qualcomm, but I'm still a little puzzled by the choice of a bunny-shredding machine. I know you're not suggesting that the action of the machine that the author decided upon is interchangeable with any other action, but surely there is a suggestion being made. I mean, It's not meant to convey nothing.
01/10/2005 qualcomm: no, i wouldn't say the machine's action is interchangeable with just anything. but i think the short would have the same effect if the machine did anything similarly brutal.
01/10/2005 Jon Matza: I figured it was just a variation of that old time tested trick, postulating a vile reality that all the characters take for granted.
01/10/2005 Mr. Pony: I guess I'm saying that by using the word "bunny", the author is making so overly sure that we know that the machine's primary function is indeed brutal, I'm feeling a little talked-down-to.
01/10/2005 qualcomm: i don't think he did it for that reason. he probably just thought bunny sounded funnier in this context. for example, a serial infant murderer saying, "I cut off his face" isn't that funny. but take that same fellow and have him say, "I cut off his punim" and you got something.
01/10/2005 anonymous: You two: staple your penises together. Then dance. I wanna see.
01/10/2005 Jon Matza: TREE enters. Joke expires.
01/10/2005 qualcomm: if i still had my admin powers we could test your little theory, matza. thanks a lot, danko.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. I think bunnies were certainly used for their characteristic cuteness. Hope that helps.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Ooops...
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Okay, I admit it. I'm Stomach Foot. Sorry for posting all that stupid stuff.
01/10/2005 Stomach Foot: Stomach Foot here. I am not Ewan Snow. In fact, I've never even met him.
01/10/2005 Mr. Pony: I agree that the comment about bunnies being cute was stupid, Stomach Foot. All I'm saying is that bunnies are hit-you-over-the-head with it cute. Ram-it-down-your-throat cute. I'm sorry to make such a fuss about it. I'm just not used to being spoken to in this manner.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Sorry, couldn't resist for a minute. But you're not buying it, are you? Okay, I give up. I may continue to post as Stomach Foot and say a bunch of dumb stuff, but I'll just be joking, so don't worry.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. You better get used to it, Pony!
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Shit, did it again...
01/10/2005 Stomach Foot: Eliza: Stomach Foot here?
01/10/2005 Eliza (): That is quite interesting.
01/10/2005 Mr. Pony: Get used to what?
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. Pony: being talked to that way.
01/10/2005 Stomach Foot: Stomach Foot here.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here.
01/10/2005 Stomach Foot: Stomach Foot here.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. Yeah, they call me Stomach Foot. Don't know why, just do. That's me. Stomach Foot.
01/10/2005 Stomach Foot: Stomach Foot here.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. Sorry to keep posting under Stomach Foot, but it's just that they call me Stomach Foot. It's like may name or whatever. That's me. Stomach Foot.
01/10/2005 Mr. Pony: That's great, Ewan. At least arguing with oneself hasn't been done to death in recent memory.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. True, Pony, true. It's really lame of me to post as both Ewan and Stomach Foot, but what can I say. I'm a lamo...
01/10/2005 Stomach Foot: Stomach Foot here. Accept no substitutes.
01/10/2005 TREE: Mr. Matza fuck off. QC do you really think I would revert to anon postings?
01/10/2005 anonymous: Yes.
01/10/2005 Stomach Foot: Stomach Foot here. I mean it.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: "Revert"? Did you mean "resort" or have you been using anon posting in the past? (You fucking retard)
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here.
01/10/2005 Stomach Foot: Stomach Foot here. I was going to ask him that very question, Ewan, but then I realized he meant that one day where he posted anonymous rants about qualcomm. Anyway, I didn't ask that question, and you did. Stomach Foot out.
01/10/2005 TREE: I meant what was written jackass. Yes I have posted as anon previously...and got busted for it so why would I use again?
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. TREE, answer the question, asshole.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. What a liar! Why do you lie, TREE? DO YOU THINK IT MAKES YOU LOOK COOL? CUZ IT DOESN'T!
01/10/2005 Stomach Foot: Stomach Foot here. Anyway, yeah, I decided against asking that question that Ewan asked.
01/10/2005 TREE: Having a hard time reading today shitlicker? Comprehension not up to par? What didn't you understand?
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. Aha! So you admit that you are me, Stomach Foot!
01/10/2005 Mr. Pony: TREE, please don't yell at Stomach Foot.
01/10/2005 TREE: Stomach foot seems like an ok gut but that fuck'n snow guy is a bit of a fuckwad.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. TREE, what's your favorite movie? I'm really interested.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow (4): Stomach Foot here. Author, so as to no longer disrespect your short, I will now vote.
01/10/2005 John Slocum (3): Ewan, you're wrong. This is a 3. [sorry, just pretending to be qualcomm to see how it feels.] Seriously, this was a bit disjointed and somewhat forced, in this guys humble opinion. Some mint writing, particularly the 'crags' paragraph.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. Yeah, it had some issues, and I agree with some of the discussion below, but I think it's more of a 3+/4-, so I gave her four to bring her up a little...
01/10/2005 TREE: Movie huh alright I'll play. Is either playing god or possibly heavy metal (original not 2)
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. TREE, those suck.
01/10/2005 Stomach Foot (3): Stomach Foot here. This felt too contrived, as Slocum said.
01/10/2005 Mr. Joshua: It ain't contrived....the bunnies are an afterthought. Right, Tree?
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. As I said, halfway between 3 and 4. Felt I needed to vote again to average it out.
01/10/2005 TREE: oh wow what heady rhetoric you offer. You can do better can't you? Maybe you should ask the rid if he's heard any good remarks lately...
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. TREE, what is your favorite color?
01/10/2005 TREE: J dog bunnies could be kittens or frogs doesn't really matter to the short. Is entirly about old Joe and the way things were.
01/10/2005 Jon Matza: Yeah, Snow. Why don't you try coming up with something "heady" like "Mr. Matza fuck off" or "that fuck'n snow guy is a bit of a fuckwad", etc?
01/10/2005 TREE: Snow I don't like color.
01/10/2005 TREE: Fuck off Mr. Matza
01/10/2005 Mr. Joshua: I rest my case. Thanks for having my back, TREE. As for Snow asking the Rid, that's not gonna happen. The Rid's head is buried so far up Snow's ass that he (Rid) couldn't possibly hear the question, anyway.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. TREE, then you're an idiot! Color rules!
01/10/2005 Jon Matza: TREE: I know...I'll be defiantly stupid to prove I don't care if I come off as stupid. That'll show 'em!
01/10/2005 TREE: I figured he wouldn't ask even if he could but no matter what he says the rid will back him up. Course doesn't really matter who backs him up...Snow is still a fuckwad.
01/10/2005 TREE: Matza have you taken over as snows asslicker?
01/10/2005 Jon Matza: TREE: If I act confident, maybe no one'll notice I'm losing...
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. Yeah, Matza, have you?
01/10/2005 Mr. Joshua: Only one problem, Matza: TREE isn't losing.
01/10/2005 TREE: well matza have you assumed the position. I don't think snow cares who licks as long as his ass gets cleaned.
01/10/2005 Jon Matza: And once again TREE returns to his obsession: men he doesn't know engaging in sexual acts.
01/10/2005 TREE: WHAT? your a man! oh my god I had no idea. I mean from your comments I assumed otherwise. My apologies Mr. Matza.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. Ha! Also, if you check out the message board, you'll learn that TREE can't even do simple "plus" operations! I don't even want to cojecture about "take away"...
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomcah Foot here. *conjecture*
01/10/2005 TREE: Remeber Snow I am the one with the spelling issues. Pay attention.
01/10/2005 Jon Matza: Pedal faster, TREE--you're almost there!
01/10/2005 Mr. Joshua: TREE: When I was in the mailroom today, I overheard talk of Snow and Matza planning the very same pincer manoeuver they are now executing. I vowed to stand by my computer to help you head it off, but now I have to leave for the day. Take heart though, I'll be with you in spirit and I'll re-join the battle tomorrow. Don't let this be your Waterloo.
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Yes, I do remember. That's why I corrected my typo, and you had no idea that you wrote "your a man" instead of "you're a man".
01/10/2005 Jon Matza: I can't believe you're deserting your stooge, Mr. J!
01/10/2005 TREE: Mr J there is a really old quote about a battle of wits with unarmed opponent. Well if there happens to be 2 unarmed it adds up to same result. Unless snow can get his calculator working faster.
01/10/2005 Mr. Joshua: Why do you think Rid is so far up Snow's ass? He's trying to pull the calculator out!!!
01/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Matza, when do you think TREE will figure out that Mr. J. is laughing at him? I don't suppose even this post will help, as several others have told him already.
01/10/2005 TREE: aww snow don't get all hurt. I am sure Mr j still loves you just doesn't respect you at all. You should be used to that by now.
01/10/2005 Mr. Joshua: TREE, When do you think Matza and Snow will figure out that I actually support you, and that this isn't some ruse I've cooked up to amuse myself while I sit here bored out of my fucking mind at work? Probably never....they're too busy licking each other's asses.
01/10/2005 Jon Matza: Someone's getting their ass licked, that's for sure...
01/10/2005 TREE: Is it tasty Matza?
01/10/2005 Mr. Joshua: You took the words right out of my mouth, TREE.
01/10/2005 Mr. Joshua: TREE, you've got those two beating a hasty retreat....this may, in fact, be THEIR Waterloo! Over and out. The J-Dog
01/10/2005 Jon Matza: "You've got those two beating a hasty retreat," said Mr, Joshua as he beat a hasty retreat.
01/10/2005 The Rid (4):
01/10/2005 Jon Matza: Guy's I rered the argue mint bellow, and, rellized we should'nt mess with tree anymour. He is far to shrood a opponont!
01/10/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): Four point five stars. Would have been rounded to five except for the last line. Would you three starrers care to explain your votes?
01/11/2005 Litcube (4):
01/11/2005 scoop (5): Aw man this fucking thing is AWESOME!