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His dick and his hand were suddenly one and the same. The old wives' tales about masturbation never came true. But this?! Who conjured this? No hairy palms. No blindness (not yet, at least). But this was the absolute worst. Let's go through the reasons why:

1. At the awards dinner Thursday night, he wouldn't be able to shake hands with the governor.

2. If he were to continue playing the trumpet, he'd have to take on some one-handed effete, Dixieland showmanship playing style. (Luckily he didn't masturbate with his dominant hand.)

3. He would now have to masturbate by grabbing not only his member, but his other hand. This was pretty weird.

4. He risked getting the as-of-yet-unencumbered hand stuck as well.

In no time, he had resumed stroking. Because that is what men do in times of desperation.

Date Written: January 03, 2005
Author: Turgid
Average Vote: 3

01/13/2005 ALLAH: I thought the hand with which one masturbates is by definition one's dominant hand?
01/13/2005 Will Disney: Could this really happen, though?
01/13/2005 Mr. Pony: I do like that the narrator thought point three was notably weird.
01/13/2005 anonymous: It did happen.
01/13/2005 Litcube (4): For Disney's sake, answer the question. Can this really happen? Answer the question. A four minus.
01/13/2005 anonymous: I repeat, it did happen. Therefore, it could happen.
01/13/2005 qualcomm (2): the last line and the dixieland trumpeter almost bumped it up to a solid three for me. i think disney already explored this important facet of the male psyche to much better effect here.
01/13/2005 TheBuyer (3): has he got enough slack to flip a person off through his zipper?
01/13/2005 cuntry (3): not with his dominant hand? huh. anyway, 4 was weak and end line not wholly satisfying but good stuff at the outset.
01/13/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Is this supposed to be Clinton?
01/13/2005 qualcomm: why you say that?
01/13/2005 The Rid (2): Points one and two work. The opening, 3, 4 and last line are mluh.
01/13/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): Come the hell on! Just come on now! Come! Two stars? Sheesh.
01/14/2005 The Rid: Streif: It seems you nearly always have a problem with the way I vote. I'm not pissed; rather reflective.