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Tim kissed Susan with resignation at the entrance to his apartment and said goodbye, shutting the door. Was there any sexual future with her? Probably not, he mused, as he headed for the toilet, grabbing a three month old Harper’s. Taking a dump was a time to savor the private sadness of his life. He lit a half-smoked joint, took two hits off of it, and was quickly stoned. The Harper’s list seemed impossibly esoteric to him suddenly, with its strange catechism of postulates and numbers. Tim began to masturbate about Susan.

Because he was too lazy and stoned to get off the toilet and wipe his ass, Tim simply incorporated his own shit into his fantasy about Susan. Tim’s own various excrements – sweat, blood, urine, feces - formed a leitmotif in his imagination during his onanistic sojourns. Transfigured, they became the fluids of his desired object, spilled onto him and what not. In this case, Susan was kneeling over him, shitting onto his chest, as he quickly reached orgasm.

Suddenly the real Susan entered the bathroom as to surprise Tim, and the mischievous smile she wore turned to a look of disbelief and shock. Tim could only sit there mutely, as his cock involuntarily continued shooting out wads of cum on its own, quite independently of his present humiliation. He reflected later that the orgasm, once it had started, was a purely biological affair, unstoppable, and that it was a bit ridiculous really, the way the rigid phallus resembled a dumb animal caught in a trap, or maybe an already dead animal, jerking in the reflexive motions of postmortem.

Date Written: January 07, 2005
Author: Phony Millions
Average Vote: 4.22727

01/17/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: Susan is kind of a busybody, all barging into the bathroom like that. Did some of the cum land on her?
01/17/2005 The Rid (4): 4.49. Stumbled in graf 2 but recovered for an excellent finish.
01/17/2005 Will Disney: I really need to think about this one.
01/17/2005 Will Disney: this short works great with the mcacme front page.
01/17/2005 Jon Matza (5): 4.5101010106. Didn't Susan ever hear of knocking?
01/17/2005 qualcomm: highly fucking well written, i'm jealous. hovering between 4 and 5, as it's neither particularly funny nor particularly moving. i'd like to amplify matza's comment: susan's actions are pretty unlikely. what was she thinking? "i'm going to play a little trick on tim and burst in on him in the bathroom!"
01/17/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): I could settle down with this one. Last sentence is great. In best qualcomm fashion I will point out that it would be derivative of this short if well-written author shorts could be derivative of sloppy guest shorts, which they can't.
01/17/2005 TheBuyer (5): I like the death spasms/ejaculation Burroughs nod, but ya, seriously, why would anyone want to surprise a person having a shit?
01/17/2005 The Rid: Maybe she thought he was just shaving. You know, an honest mistake.
01/17/2005 anonymous: I can see that I wasn't clear on a few points as I tried for brevity.
01/17/2005 qualcomm: author, can you remove the word "as" from the first sentence of the last graf? thanks.
01/17/2005 Litcube (4): I think "mischievous smile she wore" aptly justifies her entry, especially for brevities sake. I enjoyed how his pump kept on pumpin' after the power was pulled. Great imagery.
01/17/2005 Litcube: "brevities". I'm awesome.
01/17/2005 qualcomm: 'cube, i think it's important to remember that tim has not yet had sexual relations with susan. they're still in the early stages of dating, is what i think we're supposed to infer from the first graf of this short. with that in mind, would this woman 1) sneak back into tim's apartment; and 2) burst into his bathroom, all in the name of 'mischief?' i think not. by the way, on re-read, i really like "Taking a dump was a time to savor the private sadness of his life."
01/17/2005 TheBuyer: Not only are they newly dating, she walked him home and not the other way around; suddenly I'm buying her breaking into his apartment/toilet a lot more.
01/17/2005 cuntry (5): 4/5. strangely, i felt like i was watching movie reading this. good stuff. i don't know if it matters but i would have bought the bathroom entry more if she were carrying coffee or something...
01/17/2005 Litcube: Yeah, this was a Ben Stiller moment. Qualcomm: True. I can see that. Perhaps they're very mature adults who've long since surpassed their insecurities and reservations. Also, perhaps she's totally fucking psycho.
01/17/2005 Phony Millions: Ooo that nit-picky stuff gets me randy QC! You're right though, 'as' is an extraneous word. Yeah Lit, the whole thing revolves around the pump that keeps pumping - sort of a sight gag for sure. Now I'm recalling that the character Brad from 'Fast Times at Ridgemont High' had such a moment.
01/17/2005 anonymous: Fuck me I always do that and out myself. Goddamnit.
01/17/2005 Jon Matza: Author: I for one am curious to see where you'll go with your recurring 'groin tickle' theme now that you've amplified it and taken it to its logical conclusion...
01/17/2005 Phony Millions: mmmm....the mind reels. I'm a one trick pony, but it's all about theme and variation.
01/18/2005 Ewan Snow (5): It's one of those shorts that's funny because we can all say, "that's happened to me!" QC, your "as to" comment is interesting because I was thinking as I read it that I liked that construction. I'm going to give it 5 because, though I also wondered about the mechanics of the situation (Susan returning and surprising him), it didn't matter to me. I felt like if the author cared to, he could have come up with the tiresome details about how she had forgotten something in the bathroom and how the front door was unlocked (or whatever), or maybe slightly changed the beginning. But this short is about Tim's private sadness, and problems of plot mechanics are not enough "as to" ruin it for me.
01/18/2005 Mr. Pony (5): I'm not sure if it's the writing or the thinking, but I find this very convincing, and I'm not even sure that's the right word to be using.
01/18/2005 Litcube: You're not sure about a lot of stuff.
01/18/2005 Mr. Pony: :'(
01/20/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (5): I love the poopy leitmotif.
01/24/2005 Shane Mahoney (1): My new name is One Star. This is a drawing of me --
08/23/2005 The Rid: I should have given this 5.
04/14/2009 scoop (3.5): That "private sadness" line is weird, and not in a cool way. It reminds me of the kind of sentence critics fawn over because it sounds really nice, and a quick read suggests some meaningful insight in to the human condition, but, upon reflection, doesn't really mean much at all. And the use of onanistic has the esoteric stink of that Cormac McCarthy jerk. But the dumb animal caught in a trap imagery is nice, even though it doesn't apply to the non-threatening cuteness of my on member.