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Listen, you fucking Sri Lankan fuck, you have no more Daddy! That's right, Daddy is fucking dead. Nope, nope, no more Mommy either. YOU HAVE NO MORE MOMMY! Cry all you want you little fucking brat but you have no one left but me. I want you to say my name. Say my fucking name! FRANZ! You brown skinned water rat! SAY FRANZ! You think I give a shit about your fucking Tsunami?? I'm gonna fuck you and then I'm gonna sell you! Present your asshole! PRESENT YOUR FUCKING ASSHOLE TO ME!! Oh, you no understandy?? YOU NO FUCKING UNDERSTANDY?!!?! Understandy this you fucking bamboo muncher, you're gonna be sucking some Belgian cock. Yeah, possibly in Brussels. That's right, POSSIBLY! Because maybe Brugge instead or FUCKING ANTWERP!! Do you fucking even know where Belgium is?? IT'S FUCKING NEXT TO HOLLAND!! THE FUCKING NETHERLANDS TRY?? Ok, ok, that was a joke. No seriously that was a test. Don't get upset. You passed. You qualify for assistance. I'm from Oxfam. I'm here to help you.
Date Written: January 08, 2005
Author: Dylan Danko
Average Vote: 4
Comments:
01/17/2005 cuntry (3): i was wondering where this very readable mean mean rant could go, feeling all kinds of guilt for enjoying it - "no understandy" most of all - and then ultimately annoyed by where it did end up.
01/17/2005 Benny Maniacs (5): I'll give this timely departure a four and a half for making me cringe, and ultimately causing me to prefer child-buggerers to Oxfam.
01/17/2005 The Rid (3): Middling.
01/17/2005 Jon Matza (4): Cuntry's right, the ending doesn't live up to the first 6/7. Invigoratingly reprehensible till then.
01/17/2005 TheBuyer (5): (no mommy)
01/17/2005 Phony Millions (4): The whole fact that the ranter Belgium gives the short a spot-on realism.
01/17/2005 Litcube: Hrm.
01/17/2005 Mr. Pony (5): The sentences in the last seventh were short and punchy, and the specificity (and abbreviated-sounding name) of Oxfam had the desired effect on this reader. It's a T.K.O., if I understand that term correctly.
01/17/2005 anonymous: What part of "T.K.O." don't you understand?
01/17/2005 Mr. Pony: Wait, why are you anonymous, now?
01/17/2005 Phony Millions: ranter is from Belgium, rather.
01/18/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (3): Didn't find this all that good. It was so over the top that it didn't ring true. I think it would have benefitted from some subtlety. The ending was one of the better parts.
01/18/2005 Dylan Danko: Subtlety?? Are you an idiot?
01/18/2005 John Slocum (4): I understandy!
01/18/2005 qualcomm (4): i thought the ending redeemed it.
01/18/2005 John Slocum: yah, what's everyone's problem with the ending? Excellent ending, my good man, Danko.
01/18/2005 anonymous: The ending was bril. I mean everyone is aware OXFAM doesn't ass fuck people, that is the Salvation Army's domain.
01/18/2005 Ewan Snow: Agreed. I thought the ending was good. I think there is a "tendency", perhaps an institutional penchant, here at Acme, to dislike moderation or anything that smacks of moderation. By that I mean, there now seems to be a certain integrity associated with raw cruelty and mean spiritedness, which people feel is being compromised if the short turns out not to be utterly cruel. This is related to the more general criticisms people seem to make regarding endings. (If I ever read that lame-ass Acme cliché “telegraphed” again, I’m going to hurt somebody.) I have many other important and intelligent points to make on this subject, but you guys don’t deserve to learn them!
01/18/2005 qualcomm: hey pony, you do realize oxfam's a real organization, NO??
01/18/2005 Dylan Danko: I agree with Snow but lament his forgetfulness.
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: Who's gonna jump on the 'great ending' bandwagon next, Airea?
01/18/2005 qualcomm: more like einstein
01/18/2005 Ewan Snow: Matza, it's more like who's not going to jump on the "bad ending" bandwagon? Danko, huh?
01/18/2005 Dylan Danko: I'm sure it was nothing but you must have forgotten to vote.
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: Danko: just because someone forgets to vote on your short doesn't mean he or she isn't rooting for you.
01/18/2005 Dylan Danko: Well, they're not rooting hard enough. ARE THEY??!!!
01/18/2005 Mr. Pony: 'Course I know that Oxfam's real, qualcommm. I meant what I said--their name sounds abbreviated, and the specificity of the organization makes the joke funnier; as opposed to just "I'm here to help you." Ewan, I think you have a tendency to cite isolated events and inflate them into signs and trends of the larger context. Why are you always doing that? And Matza, need I remind you that Airea is under my protection?
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: Oxfam is so mainstream. UNICEF is like ten times sirloiner.
01/18/2005 Ewan Snow: Pony, FU. Don't make me do the research into every hair-brained cry of "bad ending" or "telegraphed".
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: So what should we say if the ending IS bad?
01/18/2005 Dylan Danko: Bad as in good?
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: define "as in"
01/18/2005 Mr. Pony: FU Snow! That was a joke. I was doing what I was accusing you of doing, which you weren't doing! FU!
01/18/2005 John Slocum: I'm doing it!
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: Why does everyone always place so much emphasis on "doing"? Why can't we just "be"???
01/18/2005 qualcomm: yeah, but be what, brother?
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: Don't define it, brother! Just be. Create. Express. Flow. Breathe. Listen. Dance. Now you're getting it!
01/18/2005 Ewan Snow: Pony, my apologies. You see, while I knew that you were being ironic, and that you were intentionally doing exactly what you accused me of doing, I assumed that your irony was merely the vehicle for an actual point. You see, I supposed that you were capable of using irony as a means of making your point more intelligent and subtle, not merely for making a "joke". So I apologize. From now on I will be sure to remember that you have only two modes of discourse: joking and serious. Further, I will be sure to understand that any time you employ irony you are doing so with the intent of making it absolutely clear that you mean precisely the opposite of what you are saying, rather than the sort of subtle shades of meaning some of us more sophisticated types manage to get out of ye olde ironye.
01/18/2005 qualcomm: yeah, pony's brain is a diode. a racist diode.
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: Can't we stop judging each other and just be?
01/18/2005 Dylan Danko: Yeah, Matza I just tried that. Shat myself. Thanks!
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: It is very freeing.
01/18/2005 Ewan Snow: Pony, I demand a response!
01/18/2005 Mr. Pony: Snow, if you didn't understand the first place, it's okay to just admit it. I still respect you quite a bit, and this scrambling thing you're doing is pretty unbecoming for a man of your stature.
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: You guys need to open your pores and let the positive energy flow in. UMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
01/18/2005 Ewan Snow: Pony, your unwilingness to confront your failure only compounds it. This is an issue for your therapist and me. We will report back to you with a detailed regimen for improving yourself and we expect compliance!
01/18/2005 Dylan Danko: SPEAKING OF COMPLIANCE...!!!!!!!!
01/18/2005 Mr. Pony: Alright, Snow, I'll bite, how do you think I failed, now? By the way, let me beat you to the punch and be the first to congratulate you on continuing the over-generalization joke another post's worth ("...I will be sure to remember that you have only two modes of discourse..."). Good work!
01/18/2005 Ewan Snow: Sorry, Pony, but I won't have anything for you until your therapist and I have a chance to talk. Hang tight...
01/18/2005 Mr. Pony: Sorry, Snow, I'll be right with you.
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: Snow: hang TEN, more like!!!!!!!!
01/18/2005 Kahuku Boy: Aaaay, braddah Matza, howcum Snow wen' all; da kine, ah? He geh one seereeis bahg ahp 'ees ass! You know wot? He wen' fohget dat allda time you shtressing, you no get time fo' hang loose! But ay, lissen, He gon come aroun', you see. Go check 'um latah; he gon be all tahkah'd out, ah? He gon be takin' one nap! Anywayze, he bettah, oh hees head going explode; he going maké-die-dead, from da shtress! Like one accountant!
01/18/2005 Dylan Danko: Uh...high tens? ...sorry.