home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


I'm what you'd call a grower, not a shower; inside the jeans, it doesn't look like much. But see, the first time I get naked with a woman, I make sure I'm halfway aroused. Then I take off my drawers. When her eyes fall on my gnarly meat, they nearly pop out of her head.

I've gotten some truly beautiful responses. My favorite? "Holy shit." Yeah, that's right. I've got your nine inches uncut right here. With a creamy surprise inside.

Date Written: January 09, 2005
Author: The Rid
Average Vote: 2.25

01/19/2005 Litcube (2): Classy.
01/19/2005 anonymous: Yeah, there's so much class on this site.
01/19/2005 Litcube: In my opinion, your sarcastic remark is woefully misguided, Awethur. However, your execution wasn't half bad, and I hope you don't think I'm pooping on you.
01/19/2005 anonymous: Lit, it crossed my mind.
01/19/2005 cuntry: this is the most unappetizing dick description ever. i don't even get it - halfway aroused? he stops himself from being fully aroused? or is the point that haflway permits growth?
01/19/2005 Litcube: Well, I'm not. When I poo on someone, I aim squarely for their belly. Did I poo on your belly, author? Is there any poo on your belly right now?
01/19/2005 qualcomm: um, cuntry, aren't you forgetting about this one?
01/19/2005 Litcube: ..Seriously, check. Is there?
01/19/2005 anonymous: No, poo. Sorry, Lit.
01/19/2005 anonymous: Cuntry: He wants to be half aroused so that he's already rather large at the outset and not flacid. Haven't you ever known someone with a dick? The first nakedness you always want to leave a large cock impression. So I'm told.
01/19/2005 scoop: When I am half-way aroused what usually happens to me is the head and base portion of the penis become as stiff as a can of unopened RC Cola while the middle section remains soft and smooth like a tube of playdough pressed through a funtime kit.
01/19/2005 Ewan Snow: thanks, scoop...
01/19/2005 Ewan Snow: If anybody is interested, details about my penis can be found here.
01/19/2005 scoop: ...it hangs like in a droopy letter U like a limp length of jumprope...
01/19/2005 anonymous: scoop: Me, too!
01/19/2005 Jon Matza: A description of mine can be found here. This is the work of tree, I'd wager.
01/19/2005 anonymous: I am most assuredly not TREE. Jesus, Matza.
01/19/2005 The Rid (5): Yeah. Penis stories.
01/19/2005 TheBuyer (1): suffering fuck Rid 'With a creamy surprise inside.' isn't even a sentence.
01/19/2005 Jon Matza: Er...my apologies... (Matza mops off perspiration with monogrammed chamois handkerchief and hurries away)
01/19/2005 Cyrus (2): I liked gnarly meat and thats about it.
01/19/2005 anonymous: Jesus. I finally get on the bandwagon and write a story about dick, and it gets killed. Meanwhile, the authors write about dicks - oddly shaped ones at that, just like this one, which, yes, is coincidental - and they get heaped with accolades. You all fucking suck. Suck.
01/19/2005 qualcomm: yeah, every short about dicks should get the same rating, or it's unfair!
01/19/2005 anonymous: Just venting, qualcomm. And you should appreciate that. FU!
01/19/2005 qualcomm: can you explain what you think is good/clever about this thing? at least i go out of my way to do that when i feel like my work has been misunderstood or underrated. rather than simply complain about it, i mean.
01/19/2005 mona munt: QC, you complained about my surcharge when you left this morning, you dog...
01/19/2005 anonymous: I know a guy who used to use the line, "I've got your nine inches uncut right here. With a creamy surprise inside," at bars. And no matter how many times he got hit, slapped, whatever, he kept doing it. And I thought it was hilarious that this guy seemed to go out of his way to be an idiot. He took pleasure in it, even. The first graf is me imagining what he must have thought about his own penis. I never heard the phrase "gnarly meat," but I wouldn't be surprised.
01/19/2005 The Rid: Buyer, is that a corective 1-star vote?
01/19/2005 TheBuyer: It was fury vote.
01/19/2005 The Rid: Jesus. Now I feel bad for 5-starring my own short.
01/19/2005 cuntry: Author, if you're at the point of dropping your drawers, i would assume you're, hopefully, fully aroused. I have known some penises - most were hard at that point. In fact, the good ones were hard well before that.
01/19/2005 anonymous: Maybe this guy's one of those porn stars who sees so much quivering quim that he only gets half-hard unless he's actually slapping clit. How do I know?
01/19/2005 cuntry: "slapping clit"? lord.
01/19/2005 anonymous: Your name is "cuntry"! Are you trying to funny or are you an asshole?
01/19/2005 cuntry: 5 for "quivering quim" though
01/19/2005 cuntry: i'm a huge asshole. ask anyone.
01/19/2005 anonymous: Hey, you answered the question for me. No need to poll.
01/19/2005 Ewan Snow: Oooooooooh! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
01/20/2005 Jawbreaker (4): I am new to this site but I think this short wasn't that bad. I would 5 star it if the guy had a hick accent. I think that would have made it THAT much better.
01/20/2005 Mr. Pony: Hey, Jawbreaker.