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“Well, what on Earth do you think you’re doing, you skinny little dope of a man?” It was Vonnegut again and we were in the field. I sat atop the washing machine with the cat with the cat-shitting face.

“I’m writing my obligatory shit short.”

It was morning, and crisp, and the whole of the field was sopping in puddles of excrement, like a bog. Vonnegut wore my waders, I now saw, and carried an umbrella. He held a steaming beverage in a mug.

“What happened to the Ponderosa?” I asked him.

“Swept away, I’m afraid. By your river.” True, the Ponderosa was no more, carried away by the swift fecal currents of my short. Vonnegut frowned, his pursed lips angling his unlit Pall Mall in my direction. “And those are your drafts?”

I still write all my shorts in pencil, on looseleaf, so I handed them over. “It’s just supposed to build to a crescendo. I wanted to take the shit short to a new place. Shit like Acme has never seen. Shitting, shitting, shitting. Barfing, shitting, fluids. Volume. The ultimate spraying. I don’t know.”

Vonnegut cleared his throat and read. “My testicles tensed and spun. I almost puked as my poor little overclenched asshole buckled under the strain. My susurrating star winked and winked and winked. It was trying so hard! It took a sort of anal breath then, a spluttering, fitful breath, like a brat catching her wind in the midst of a tantrum, going, ‘Heeb-eeb-eeb-eebeebeeb!’ My asshole blew bubbles!”

“Stop! Please.”

Vonnegut sighed and opened his umbrella. The ochre clouds soaring above the field released their feculent payload in gusty sheets. Fleckets of it peppered my skin, stinging me. “Enough with the shit, Richard. It’s time for you to leave Scranton.” He took a deep, deep draught of steaming hot diarrhea from the mug. He smacked his lips. “Is this really necessary?”



Date Written: January 12, 2005
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 4.5

01/27/2005 The Rid: "Is this really necessary?" Vonnegut and I are on the same page, though Part IV is a definite improvement over Part III.
01/27/2005 qualcomm: vomit throws a curve ball midseries. still not very into it, but i shall abstain until i see more.
01/27/2005 Cyrus: Last graf achieved smile but I can't wade through all the crap that comes before it again. Unable to vote.
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony: I enjoy how the Vonnegut thing is stolen from Vonnegut himself.
01/27/2005 TheBuyer: I can't shake the feeling some idea yelled 'freeze' and tapped out one of the existing ideas then couldn't come up with anything. When in doubt, pull a gun out.
01/27/2005 anonymous: Pony, nyeah. Breffiksk of Champeens.


01/27/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): "A complex meta-melange of drama-ridden feculence. 3.5 stars."
01/27/2005 Ewan Snow (4):
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony (4): mmmnyesp
01/28/2005 TheBuyer: Okay, I'm convinced. Nice work having KV put the unbrella up to avoid that liquid shit rain and still end up drinking liquid shit anyway.
01/28/2005 TheBuyer (4):
02/2/2005 qualcomm (5): fu, alliance
02/2/2005 The Rid (5): QC: Ditto.
02/2/2005 port jervis (5): The Alliance is for wimps.
07/30/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (5):
07/31/2005 Dylan Danko: QC: Ditto. FUUUUUUCK!
07/31/2005 Dylan Danko: Even back then...
08/1/2005 Dick Vomit: This is great!
09/6/2005 Litcube: [wind, slow mo, The Rid turns head to Qualcomm]
[sweat beads on The Rid's forehead]
[low continuous note on cello]
[w/ echo/reverb]: "QC.."
[slow camera zoom in]
[w/ high delay echo/reverb]: "Ditto."
[camera zoom out, simultaneous fade]
09/6/2005 scoop: Hey DV here's another one that doesn't have a three. Hmmmmmmm...
09/6/2005 The Fynch: Awesome!