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There was only one thing more important to Professor Giles than deconstructionist theory: freshman pussy. His groundbreaking paper, Derrida, Semiotics and Sweet Poontang: Oh Man, Oh Man, had garnered him a senior chair at State U. and not a small quantity of fresh, cornfed cunt. It was no surprise then that each semester his survey course, Modes of Comparative Literature: Shut Up, Open Your Mouth and Receive My Hot Yellow Fuck, landed him the pick of the freshman litter.

This year it was Freida Steinem. She had the proportions of Olive Oyl and a certain bitchy vulnerability that would, Giles was certain, act like Metamusil on his clogged constitution. Once the class had assembled, he loosened his tie and pulled it over his head. When he started unbuttoning his shirt there were gasps and whispers (as usual), but the earthy expression created by his rheumy eyes and puckered asshole-mouth shamed them into silence. Naked at last, Giles stood before them defiant, as if proud of his over-easy breasts and head-to-toe pelt of hoary pubes. As if to say, "This is me. I lay before you my blemished body, my very humanity."

He walked in front of Freida Steinem’s desk and put his left foot on top of it. An elongated question of a fart squeaked out of his loose, malfunctioning sphincter.

“Who said, ‘Writing is the clothing of speech… a garment of perversion and debauchery, a dress of corruption and disguise,’” he asked the class, his knotty member Pinnochioing centimeters away from Steinem’s hairy upper lip.

Silence. Awe. He had them. Had her. He would lead her down a blind alley of concubinage and degradation, leaving her naked and broken among the detritus 20th century thought, leaving her, no doubt, with a philosophy that just didn’t work.

Date Written: February 26, 2003
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.35714

03/1/2003 scoop (3): Quit kowtowing to the cabal of blue collar heroes. Seriously. Quit it. Fucker.
03/1/2003 Mr. Pony (5): I disagree that Professor Giles is a HERO. He is not a HERO; he is CRUMBY!
08/17/2004 Ewan Snow (3): who cares?
08/17/2004 qualcomm: now that's just dishonest. intellectually. but what else can one expect from a krugman fanboy?
08/17/2004 Ewan Snow: seriously, this one bores me.
08/17/2004 qualcomm: there are at least 11 good gags in this one.
08/17/2004 Ewan Snow: What's that, a retard's dozen? You need a regular dozen or better to get four stars. I'm sorry.
08/17/2004 qualcomm: well then, why do you think this one deserves more than three?
08/17/2004 Ewan Snow: Oh, didn't I say. That rule only applies to you now that you've been giving me all those three stars and now that I'm taking my revenge. So there!
08/17/2004 qualcomm: all of my comments are calm and reasonable, whilst all of yours are angry and deluded. i apologize for expressing to you my honest opinion, which, i thought, was one of the many items for which friends are. if ever i have given you cause to doubt my 19th century, platonic love for you, again, i apologize. you have pricked my heart in twain.
08/17/2004 Ewan Snow: good.
11/4/2004 John Slocum (5): Very, very, very funny.
03/7/2005 deliciousbrains (5): Not the number of gags, but the quality.
09/28/2006 qualcomm: this guy gets it
09/28/2006 scoop: "...some awkwardly bowed their heads and stared at the ground".
10/7/2006 Master Bates (5):
08/17/2010 Marvin_Bernstein (4.5): someone who finally gets my idol Derrida