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"Relax, Alan," said Officer Johannesen, adjusting the tweed around his balls. He scribbled nonsense in his pad. "Just tell me what happened."

"I told you. I smashed her in the face with the phone."

"Mmhmm. And then what happened?"

"Aw, shit. Don't get me started. She started doing that fuckin' whiney voice of hers I can't motherfuckin' stand, that bitchin' and moanin' voice, man. Fuckin' whine a hers'll shrivel your sac, man, that is no joke." Alan slipped into character. "'Ahhhhh, I wanna go to the mall...Ahhhh, I need more money! Ahhhh, is THIS your car?' You know. And so she's all, 'Ahhhh, Why'd you hit me with the phone?! Ahhhh, my lips are all mushed up! Ahhhh, I'm bleeding you broke-ass son of a bitch! Ahhhh, my fuckin' FACE OVA HERE!"

"What did you do next?"

"I smashed her in the face with the phone."

Date Written: January 13, 2005
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 3.4

Comments:
02/1/2005 cuntry (3): first 4 lines were really special. "aw shit..." on didn't deliver.
02/1/2005 John Slocum (3): agreed.
02/1/2005 The Rid: Wanna give this a four for the violence-against-women angle, but having a hard time because the short didn't deliver. I apologize in advance for another short that's in the queue that will be published later this week which has a similar theme.
02/1/2005 Mr. Pony (3): I thought this was okay. A tighter fourth paragraph would have brought home the cruelty better. Right now, it sounds like Alan's trying to be funny. Three.four
02/1/2005 qualcomm (2):
02/1/2005 Dick Vomit: I dunno, you nice dudes. This one works for me. Seems like a quality deadpan joke illustrating the simplemindedness of the wifebeater. I hit my wife. She started bawlin' so I hit her again. Decent!
02/1/2005 Dick Vomit (5): Here's some support, my good man!
02/1/2005 TheBuyer (3): The two phone lines made me laugh, but the whole middle made me gag, where does that leave me? Free.
02/1/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (3): "Ahhh, why'd you hit me with the phone"
02/1/2005 The Rid: DV, you make a good point. Leaning back toward a four.
02/1/2005 Litcube (4): Those three lines mentioned are pretty funny. But Author? That sloppy "aww shit" paragraph that everyone's talking about makes me not like you as a human being. I don't like your family either. I'll four this as a three point five! Cheers!
02/1/2005 Dick Vomit: Again, I've got to stick up for the author on this one, 'Cuber. Alan's giving his side of the story to the cop, aping his wife or gf or whomever she is. Do you hate the misogyny or how it's written? Or...?
02/1/2005 Litcube: Well, for starters Dick, I can't tell from which demographic this character heralds. I'm assuming the reader is to be given the impression that this guy's either white trash, ghetto trash, 15, etc. I can't tell which. He’s a mishmash of retardation and swearsies. It's funny, nonetheless, but I'm just not feeling this character.

And author, I was being harsh when I said I don’t like your family. In fact, I’m frantically in love with your family. [Right eye twitches]
02/1/2005 Jawbreaker (4): I laughed but this whole violence agianst women... Does everybody on this site hate women?
02/1/2005 Dick Vomit: I adore women!
02/1/2005 TheBuyer: If women hate me, is that the same thing?
02/1/2005 Dick Vomit: Actually, now that I really think about it, this smells like a shoot-from-the-hip, one-note, single gag, punchline-only short. I think Author may have just had a quick idea and banged it out without too much attention. You're right about the Alan character being poorly defined. He is a void. A zilch. A nothing. Next time, author should be less ready to drop a schiesselog into queue!
02/1/2005 Ewan Snow: Jawbreaker, I think the idea is that, like poo poo jokes, gay jokes, and abortion jokes (to varying degrees), violence against women jokes are not socially acceptable, outside of Acme at least. The Acme Community therefore feels a certain pride in the fact that such taboos are welcome here. (In real life, however, Acme writers no more dislike actual women than they like actual poop.) But they delight in their Acme-protected transgressions. The problem arises when, aside from its "controversial" nature, a short has no additional humor or insights to offer. Occasionally, this very rub, the short for self-conscious shock value alone, is used to some success, but that's a different story. More often, an author who attempts to get a laugh out of one of these subjects finds him- or herself up against a mountain of precedent, attempting, for instance, to find a fresh way to present a turd.
02/1/2005 Jawbreaker: Snow: that was a great explanation. I also understand the taboos are welcome on this site. I was just being a sensitive girl. Pardon while I PMS. Maybe I should take this opportunity to write a man-hating short.
02/1/2005 Dick Vomit: Again, this is PURELY SPECULATION, but I feel I've got some real incite into this short. This short reads to me like the author was penning a quick joke loosely based on an actual anecdote once related to Author by an NYPD detective.
02/1/2005 qualcomm: did you write this, dv? and why did you spell insight like that? was that a cyrus/tree joke? you're really acting strange today/
02/1/2005 Ewan Snow: DV, you obviously know nothing about this short. It's not like you wrote it, so how could you know such things? Please leave this discussion to the experts.
02/1/2005 Dick Vomit: I am acting strangely today. I'm going to take a timeout.
02/1/2005 The Rid (4): Hey, doesn't Slocum have a short called "The wine tasted like violence towards women"? Where's that? I'll read it and let you know how I feel Jawbreaker.
02/2/2005 John Slocum: Jawbreaker, you could also check out my short the begins with pheasant eggs, for another gem about violence against women.
02/2/2005 John Slocum: DV, was this the big 30, 30th short?
02/2/2005 Dick Vomit: I don't know, Herr Shlocum. Let me look.
02/2/2005 Dick Vomit: Nah, this is only 29. I'd be sad if this stinker dropped as #30, anyway.
02/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Right, so no pressure on the next one, DV!
02/2/2005 Mr. Joshua: Classic Vomit hypocrisy on display here, Cyrus. First he pumps up his own short (anonymously) in the comments to get shitlickers like the Rid to rate it favorably. Then he begins to denigrate the short as the time approaches for his authorship to be revealed, so that no one can accuse him of grade grubbing. And, of course, it was all a joke....just like the time he left Acme. And this guy has the audacity to accuse us of voting shenanigans? I'm glad we didn't let him into the Alliance; he's all about Vomit.
02/2/2005 Ewan Snow: Farva?
02/2/2005 The Rid: Mr. Joshua, I don't know what I've done to invoke your misguided vitriol. But I can say this: I absolutely, completely, totally and in all other ways think you're a cowardly fuckstick.
02/2/2005 Dick Vomit: Joshua, I was simply following qualcomm's lead. I think defending one's short in this manner is NOT inherently laden with nefariousness as you suggest. Also: all of my comments in response to your attacks, your alliance with the TREE/Cyrus Sycophant-Lamprey, and the Great Acme Paradigm shift are to be understood as coming with the following caveat: I am not taking your antics seriously.
02/2/2005 anonymous: Rid, you might or might not be interested to know that Mr. Joshua actually thinks none of those things he typed. You see, Mr. J. is qualcomm's devious and sinister older brother. He is merely using you to provoke Tree/Cyrus, whom he is using to get five star votes in his attempt to get the top ranking on the guest board. In actuality, he thinks Tree is as much of an idiot as anybody, and (probably) has nothing at all against you.
02/2/2005 Mr. Joshua: I'm getting damn sick and tired of my motives being questioned. TREE/Cyrus is the only one on the board (with the recent exception of Snow) with the guts to tell it like it is, and the gumption to see paradigm shift through to its rightful conclusion. I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for my alliance-mate and co-chair, Cyrus. If I were really interested in pumping up the ratings of my shorts, I could easily register under some aliases and start fiving my shorts and oneing the V-Dogs'. But that's not what the Alliance is all about. The Alliance exists for reasons far more noble than individual voting glory. That being said, I invite each and every one of you to join the Alliance. Even you, The Rid.
02/2/2005 Cyrus: Please Mr. J lets be reasonable here. The Rid? I have been amused by some of his writings but enraged by his lack of individual thought more often. As to anyone questioning your motives, fuckem, who cares what they think. When all is said and done I please me. Perhaps I will go and re read all the Texxx shorts, and supply them with some much deserved votes.
02/2/2005 Mr. Joshua: Before you do that, Cy, just remember that The Rid is a friend of Texxxx.
02/2/2005 Dick Vomit: Get off my short, idiot.
02/2/2005 Cyrus: Mr J I use Texxx as an example only. Maybe I should have 50 or 60 of my friends sign on and review the works of our dear departed TREE? as well as the works of the other members awaiting the paradigm shift.
02/2/2005 port jervis (5): DICK VOMIT has a pussy. Oops, I mean posse.
02/3/2005 The Rid: Gentlemen, I am no longer going to participate in the alliance goofiness. Peace.
02/3/2005 Dick Vomit: Thank Jesus.