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The elf's semen has healing properties. I first saw the little fellow on the C train. He was slender, with shoulder-length, jet black hair. The prettiest "man" I ever saw, and only about five feet tall. I got real close, and he had perfect skin: no pores or blemishes whatsoever. No odor. His eyes had epicanthi.

"Hey bud," I said, when he glared up at me.

He turned away and ignored me. I got off the train when he did and blended into the sparse crowd, following him up Canal Street toward the bridge. He hung a right down one of those narrow lanes and I stayed behind him. It was pretty late at night and we were the only ones around. When he took out his magical keys to open the door to his secret glen or whatever, I made my move.

"Gotcha, little guy!" I said, wrapping my arms around his torso.

"What the fuck, man!"

I mashed my trusty rag o' chloroform over his mouth.

"Sleep, small one," I whispered in his ear. "Sleeeeeeep."

Long story short, I keep him in my apartment's spare closet. He had to be hobbled, unfortunately, but let me tell you, you're not going to persuade an elf to stick around with kind words. I treat him good, though. Feed him only the choicest elf provender: royal jelly, toadstools and puppy dog's tails.

And his semen has healing properties.

Date Written: January 15, 2005
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.41176

01/21/2005 Will Disney: This is a wonderful little fable.
01/21/2005 TheBuyer: what are the mechanics of jacking off an elf against his will?
01/21/2005 Ewan Snow (4): 4+. The title, and repetition in the last line, is good.
01/21/2005 Ewan Snow: That's two qc shorts in one day. Heck! Maybe because it's his birthday. Happy birthday, qc! Yay! Yay! Yay!
01/21/2005 TheBuyer (5): Hey! Happy birthday! Mine's tomorrow, we're like twins except from different mums and the other differences! Hooray!
01/21/2005 Will Disney: Hey Qualcomm fu
01/21/2005 Dylan Danko: Yeah, QC, I'm gonna jizz on your fucking face tonight!
01/21/2005 Dylan Danko (4): This short ain't bad.
01/21/2005 Will Disney: it's very good, actually. happy birthday YOU FUCK.
01/21/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): amusing.
01/21/2005 Litcube (5): 4.5 Rounded up. I've seen dudes give me this look on the Sky Train.
01/21/2005 The Rid (4): I'd have fived it if the first line were only the last line.
01/21/2005 anonymous: Are you an elf, Litdude? That would explain much.
01/21/2005 Dylan Danko: My comment to QC has be understandably altered. I would never treat him that way.
01/21/2005 Dylan Danko: been
01/21/2005 Litcube: I might be an elf.
01/21/2005 Phony Millions (4):
01/21/2005 Cyrus (5): I mashed my trusty rag o' chloroform over his mouth. Mint
01/21/2005 Will Disney (5): yes, the rag phrase earns an extra half star, pushing this 4 star'er up to 4.5, which is thereby rounded up to 5. happy birthday again FUCKO.
01/21/2005 anonymous: It is not my birthday. I am not Qualcomm. (Hint: I serve and fetishize WINE.)
01/21/2005 Cyrus: Exactly how is elf semen used?
01/21/2005 Ewan Snow: Author, so is this elf actually just Chinese, or are we just meant to guess that he might be (because of his black hair, epicanthi, and Cortlandt Alley address)?
01/21/2005 anonymous: Yeah, just a plain ol' chinker.
01/21/2005 TheBuyer: Ha!
01/21/2005 cuntry (5): delightful
01/22/2005 Will Disney: Glad to see you're out of your slump, qualcomm!
01/22/2005 Ewan Snow: "He had to be hobbled, unfortunately" is the best line in this one.
01/22/2005 qualcomm: what slump, you fuck?
01/22/2005 Jon Matza (5): Good one, 'ther. I think we can expect promising things from you in the future!
01/22/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Q, you sucker.
01/22/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: If only I'd waited a day before voting, I woulda 5'd this baby. Sorry for the hastiness.
01/22/2005 Benny Maniacs (5): I'm 5'n this baby.
01/23/2005 Pusher Robot: I shove around the blind people.
01/24/2005 Jawbreaker (4):
01/24/2005 scoop (1): My new name is One Star. This is a drawing of me --
01/27/2005 John Slocum (5): Hey everyone, you're all wrong, this is the best line: '"Sleep, small one," I whispered in his ear. "Sleeeeeeep."'
01/27/2005 qualcomm: i believe the best line is, "I treat him good, though."
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony (5): The narrator is the best kind of racist.
01/27/2005 John Slocum: shhhhhh, Pony, sleep small one. sleeeeeeep.
01/24/2007 blow-up (5): Trusty rag o' chloroform.