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“I’m sorry Groucho we got the tests back, they’re positive.”

“Positive, why that’s a surprise, I didn’t even study.”

“I know this all may come as shock.”

“Not as much as the bill… by the way remind me not to pay that in the morning.”

“You only have six months to live Groucho.”

“Six months? Six months! Can you make it three doc, I’m kind of in a hurry.”

“I’m so, so terribly sorry.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself doc, that sorry was just fine. You’re doing a real bang-up job.”

“It seems to be cancer.”

“Ain’t that a shame. I’m a Scorpio. We’ll never work out.”

“And I fear it is about to metastasize.”

“Metesta size? Too bad doc, those never fit me. Too tight around the collar, not to mention a little hot. Maybe you have something in a different size…”

“Nurse. Can you get me two more of these?”

“Get two more of yourself while you’re at it.”

“Groucho, I don’t think you’re taking this diagnosis seriously.”

“I prefer to take it with two sugars and cream.”

“Right now there is no treatment, Groucho.”

“Well that doesn’t seem to be a way to treat a paying customer.”

“Is there anything I can do for you Groucho, anything at all?”

“You can start with a cure. If you can’t start with one then I’ll settle for one somewhere in the middle. But don’t wait until the end, I don’t think I can stay that long.”

“There is no cure, Groucho, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

“Wait, are you fucking kidding me?”

Date Written: January 16, 2005
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 4.16667

01/24/2005 Will Disney (5): BRAVO!
01/24/2005 qualcomm: fails to capture "voice"
01/24/2005 Mr. Pony: "That's no way to treat a paying customer."
01/24/2005 The Rid: Hrm.
01/24/2005 qualcomm: good point, pony.
01/24/2005 Will Disney: this one has got a million great gags. a+
01/24/2005 Jawbreaker (4): "Wait, are you fucking kidding me?" I enjoyed this one!
01/24/2005 qualcomm: i don't think ewan wrote this one, disney.
01/24/2005 TheBuyer (5): half of nine.
01/24/2005 The Rid (5): On re-read: Very effing funny.
01/24/2005 qualcomm:
01/24/2005 qualcomm (3):
01/24/2005 qualcomm:
01/24/2005 qualcomm:
01/24/2005 qualcomm:
01/24/2005 Pusher Robot: The comment Robot is malfunctioning. Shoving will protect you.
01/24/2005 qualcomm: hey robot, you got any ludes? hash oil?
01/24/2005 Jon Matza: Not a bad Groucho impression in my opinion, but not that Woolite a premise for a short either. Moreover I've seen it done in much more detail (in "Madder Music" by Peter DeVries).
01/24/2005 anonymous: Why don't you quit pontificating you pretentious blowhard and vote.
01/24/2005 qualcomm:
01/24/2005 Jon Matza (3): OK, DUDE! HERE'S YOUR VOTE! I LEARNED MY LESSON!
01/24/2005 anonymous: Hey Matza, I think your Caps Lock is on. Oh wait, I get it. That's your way of being sarcastic. GOOD ONE!
01/24/2005 Jon Matza: I'm confused, author. I voted, just like you commanded me to. Yet you're still angry with me. I just can't seem to win with you.
01/24/2005 Mr. Pony: I'm not so enthusiastic about this one. It's very easy to hear Groucho doing these jokes, and I'm thinking that's because he's probably done a lot of them before. By the way, Disney, there are exactly 13 gags in this short. You can count them. I guess if you look at it another way, there are two: long Groucho impression; Groucho snaps out of schtick to discover some bad news that was there all along. I wanted to like this more, but so much of it is a mimicry of someone who's funny to begin with, and I have a hard time giving you credit for that, Author. 2.4
01/24/2005 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): I think it would have been kinda cool if the doctor had left the room and the Groucho had sat there doing more witty comebacks into the void. Then we coulda made an indie film and charged 10 dollars...
01/24/2005 qualcomm: hey pony, you forgot to vote! don't forget to vote!
01/24/2005 qualcomm: don't forget!
01/24/2005 qualcomm: please don't!
01/24/2005 qualcomm: unh!
01/24/2005 qualcomm: unh unh unh!
01/24/2005 qualcomm: gaaaaaaaaaaaaa
01/24/2005 Pusher Robot: Go stand by the stairs. We are here to protect you. Shoving will protect you. Shoving will protect you from the terrible secret of space.
01/24/2005 Mr. Pony: Hey, Disney, I think you blew it on the new "feedback logic".
01/24/2005 TheBuyer (4):
01/24/2005 qualcomm: feels! so! good!
01/24/2005 TheBuyer: huyup.
01/24/2005 Shane Mahoney (5): This is jumbo lump, because it addresses the pressing concern of how best to apply the North American model of natural rezource management.
01/24/2005 Will Disney: Nice to see you back, Shane!
01/24/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Do you think Shane Mahoney is actually Pusher Robot trying to frame scoop?
01/24/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza?
01/24/2005 Will Disney: Whoops - someone turned off Eliza. Hold on while I go wake up that crazy bitch.
01/24/2005 Litcube: This was pretty funny.
01/24/2005 Will Disney: eliza: are you there?
01/24/2005 Eliza (): Why should you care if I amu there?
01/24/2005 Will Disney: Well, she's back. She may not make any sense, but she's back.
01/24/2005 The Rid: I would like to state for the record that I think Shane Mahoney is an arbitrary douche. But his comment below is kinda funny.
01/24/2005 Will Disney: your 3 starring of this short, qualcomm, is bullshit
01/24/2005 Mr. Pony: What about my forgetting to two-star it?
01/24/2005 Dylan Danko (4):
01/25/2005 Ewan Snow (4): I have my reasons for giving this four big ones, but I don't have the energy to explain them...
01/27/2005 John Slocum (4): This was a fun short. Pony, have you done any research to prove or disprove your theory that Groucho actually did these jokes, or variations on them? I don't have time to do the research, and will assume author created them out of his prodigious imagination.
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony: You miss my point, sir.
01/27/2005 John Slocum: what's the point, the jokes seem easily created?
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony: Sort of. Most of the jokes are a straight impression, with little spin. Don't get me wrong, I didn't mean to imply that they were stolen, per se; and I laughed at a lot of these, but who gets the credit for that? That's all I'm saying. I'm actually re-thinking my position. Above, I'm referring to jokes like "I prefer to take it with two sugars and cream," but there are some real gems in here like “Ain’t that a shame. I’m a Scorpio. We’ll never work out.” Still, though. Will think for more time.
01/27/2005 John Slocum: alright, Pony, but time's running out. Groucho is almost dead.
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony: So you agree that this does concern Groucho.
01/27/2005 qualcomm: my problem with this is that its conceit is that old saturday night live format: impersonate some famous dude, and then just have them do their schtick in a more real-life circumstance. i don't like that routine. you know where this thing is going right from line one, except for the last line, which wasn't enough to redeem it, if you ask me. the one thing that almost makes this for me is the idea of the actual, real-life groucho being stuck in the middle of the ol' "you have six months to live" routine. maybe it would have been funnier if the doctor keeps feeding him really obvious set-up lines for jokes, but groucho doesn't bite because he's, you know, depressed about the whole dying thing.
01/27/2005 Ewan Snow: Mr. Pony, I have to disagree with you. I will now provide the Acme Community with the reasons I so selfishly deprived it of when I cast my vote. First, you have said you don't like shorts that are just a list of gags, as this one is. That’s a matter of taste, I suppose, but I do like those type of shorts, if the jokes are good. I think it’s a lot more difficult to write a bunch of funny jokes than it is to embed them in a plausible context, or to write a coherent story. Also, your description of these as merely impersonation doesn’t make much sense to me. I mean, the impersonation is pretty good. These one liners (assuming they aren’t direct rip-offs of Groucho, which I don’t think they are) are very well constructed. There’s a lot that can go wrong with the wording of these jokes to make them fall flat, and I think that the author made excellent choices in the phrasing, etc. Also, doing an impression of a great talent, which includes work up to the original’s caliber, seems like something of an achievement itself. If I were to, say, unify relativity and quantum mechanics, would you dismiss it merely an Einstein impersonation? If I could fly, would you dismiss it as merely me doing bird impressions?

Now, I know that you will argue with these exaggerated points at the end, and you will say that I am misrepresenting what you really said, etc., but I call no fair on that ahead of time. For you to defend yourself, you are herby formally charged with defending your position as I have (accurately) described it, and not as you would like to recast or clarify it. So there!
01/27/2005 Ewan Snow: qc, I agree more or less. I think the premise here is a little weak, which is why I gave it a four, not a five. The execution though is pretty much right on.
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony: Well, in that case, Snow, I disagree with your assertion that all lists of jokes are funny simply because they are hard to make. I mean, I expect more from shorts, and I would think that you would, too.
01/27/2005 qualcomm: there's also not a little error with the very idea of doing a groucho impression. it's so damn old. they were impersonating him when he was still making movies. gabe fucking kaplan used to do it at the end of welcome back cotter. hawkeye did it all the time on mash (quite well, too). i'm not saying it's an insurmountable obstacle, but it's a big one, and this short doesn't make it. i don't think the jokes are that good, partly because groucho jokes are less about their written style than they are about delivery. i actually do think it's fairly easy to write groucho jokes. delivering the corny ass things so that they're funny is another matter.
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony: By the way, stop hitting yourself.
01/27/2005 Ewan Snow: Pony: lists of funny jokes are funny, because funny jokes are funny, not because they are harder to make (though they are). And no, I don't expect more than several funny jokes from a short. So few have even that, whereas plenty are coherent, well written, etc. Yeah, qc, I was thinking about Kotter and Hawkeye too. And I agree that delivery is key, and the more difficult part. As I said, I didn't think this was perfect. But what impressed me about this short was, given what it is, a vehicle for Groucho one-liners, I think that the one liners are pretty good and well written. For instance, I looked through each of the ten jokes and tried to see if I could have improved them (not by making different jokes, but by making better versions/wording of the same joke), and it seemed they were pretty optimized already. I don't think most people on this site (let alone in general) could write 10 better Groucho jokes, for whatever that's worth.
01/27/2005 quaIcomm: Sure, but you saying that all lists of jokes are funny is just plain ridiculous. I mean, I think they should be funny for me to laugh at them, not just labored over.
01/27/2005 Ewan Snow: Dude, are you trying to make me mad? I said all lists of funny jokes are funny. Do you disagree?
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony: I think QC has a point. They just have to be funny to be funny. I mean, there's just no way around that, Snow.
01/27/2005 Stomach Foot: Stomach Foot here. Snow, that was Pony impersonating qualcomm.
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony: Well, that's not true.
01/27/2005 Stomach Foot: Which is funny, considering that Disney deliberately sabotaged my way of impersonating Pony, but didn't do the same kindness for me. Nevertheless, he's a really fair admin. Yeah, Disney's fucking spotless.
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony: You've been impersonating me? That's not so cool.
01/27/2005 Ewan Snow: Stomach Foot here. Just joking, Pony. You're great! Disney, you too!
01/27/2005 Stomach Foot: Not since that muppety fuck went out of his muppety way to stop me, I haven't.
01/27/2005 Stomach Foot: Although I guess he figured you needed the extra help, Pony.
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony: No, I'm pretty sure that's not it.
01/27/2005 Jon Matza: Interesting how why none of these people are getting told to quit pontificating or called pretentious blowhards. Looks like Matza's the victim of a highly unpasturized double standard...
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony: Are you calling us pretentious blowhards?
01/27/2005 Jon Matza: No, just that Horace believes he has been ill-used; the victim of a non-hydrogenated double standard...a scapegoat, if you will. Perhaps Horace is being punished for his willingness to have a good time and make conversation no matter what the cost?
03/18/2009 scoop: I'm sorry for calling you a pretentious blowhard, Matza dog. That was mean and not in the Acme spirit of sportsmanship, free inquiry and good faith, not to mention sirloinitude.
03/18/2009 qualcomm: the funniest part of this short is where i pretend to be pony hijacking my account!
03/19/2009 Jon Matza: Scoop:

03/19/2009 Jon Matza:

03/19/2009 Mr. Pony: I've actually never comment on this short. I remember reading this, and seeing someone (probably qualcomm) impersonating me, and I was going to say something, but I had to get to work.
03/19/2009 Mr. Pony: One point I do agree with, though; jokes don't become funnier when they are in a list.