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Dave set his coffee down and stood up slow from his plastic chair, he was scared to death of speaking in public on his best day, and this was not his best day. He made sure to hide his nervous erection with his coat.
"Hi, I'm Dave and I'm an alcoholic."
"Okay, Dave!" they all shouted.
"I'm sober, uh, actually less than a day. I had my first full meal in like, uh...two days last night. I'm flat broke. Uh, also last night, I walked to the donor van to sell a pint of blood for a bottle of-"
"What do they pay for loser fuel?" Hello! My Name is...Margaret asked.
"They gave me a cookie and, well it was really cold outside and-"
"Hey bigshot, I don't got a cookie, you're a lucky guy!" Hello! My Name is...Allen said.
"Yeah fuckbag, and both my kids are retarded, what the fuck are you cryin about the fuckin cold for?" came a shrill voice from Hello! My name is...Get Fucked.
Dave looked around and saw at least three people making the jerk-off gesture. One old lady was giving him the finger hard, scraping her chin at him over and over with it going "Nya! Nya! Nya!", everyone in there was smoking. Dave felt his stomach flip. 'Uh, oh,' he thought.
Mortified and still with an incongruous boner, Dave shit his pants. He felt the first turtlehead touch cloth as his coat fell open and revealed his tenting, pre-cum moistened crotch. Dave looked down at his shame. He looked back up and gave an involuntary half-smile at the frozen faces as more of the log slid out and mushroomed against the back of his Fruit of the Looms, they must smell his nidorous bowels. He half-sat back down and then stuck still as the shit spread flatly up and out along the axis of his clenched ass.
Finally, Hello! My Name is...Gary stood up, took Dave gently by the elbow and waddled him to the door.
"Hi, Dave, I'm Gary. You're looking for Alcoholics, this is Office Sycophants," he explained in a soft voice.
"No, wait," Dave said looking back, "I think I forgot my scarf."
"Just your dignity, you degenerate fuckoff," Gary whispered back, "Oh, and thanks for sharing."
Alone in the rain, Dave's face twitched again, then relaxed with a shudder. He stayed hunched over, panting into the closed door.
"I guess you can just keep it, Gary."
Date Written: January 18, 2005Comments:
Average Vote: 2.75
01/25/2005 Will Disney: i dunno - they didn't really seem all that sycophantic to me, all told.
01/25/2005 anonymous: They're not at the office, the OS Anonymous meetings is the only place they can really be their true, asshole selves.
01/25/2005 TheBuyer: Suppose they're behavior reflects the exact opposite of what they're anonymous about. Lots of shit in this, both kinds.
01/25/2005 TheBuyer: *their - apologies.
01/25/2005 Cyrus: Everybody but Dave and Gary seem to be recovering from their problem nicely.
01/25/2005 The Rid: Not bad, but not good. One wonders if the author has any experience with 12-step programs/meetings?
01/25/2005 Mr. Pony (4): The premise is a stretch, and a little distracting, but there are funny morsels of funny within.
01/25/2005 Pusher Robot: I shove around the blind people.
01/25/2005 Jon Matza (2): Let's see, how can I put this nicely...? This has an enormous amount of room for improvement.
01/25/2005 qualcomm (2): yes, 'za.
01/25/2005 anonymous: Do youse guys round down for what you feel may be inaccurate information within the context of a short?
01/25/2005 Phony Millions (3): "Shat," not "shit". And well, yeah...there's lots of problems here.
01/25/2005 Phony Millions: Probably so, anon a, if the short is referring to something that already does exist and there's a consensus on certain characteristics about that something. So in this case, I'll round out what Rid may have been implying and say that you wouldn't say "Okay, Dave" in a 12 step meeting; you'd say "Hi Dave" or "Welcome Dave."
01/25/2005 anonymous: They're all being very rude by saying "Okay" instead of "Hello", that's intentional. Shit/Shat was a fuckup.
01/25/2005 The Rid: Yeah, I gathered that "Okay" was intentional.
01/25/2005 Litcube: So did I, guys! Hey? Hey, guys?
01/25/2005 Litcube: Guys?
01/25/2005 Phony Millions: My bad then!
01/25/2005 The Rid (2): I just can't make the leap. Something that I can't quite put my finger on doesn't work.
01/25/2005 anonymous: Also, "nicely"? What's the not nice version?
01/25/2005 Phony Millions: Yeah, author, you're really getting pelted with rocks and garbage here...Hang in there!
01/25/2005 anonymous: Ha! That's not what I meant, "nicely" was vague, I was looking for what I fucked up. More rocks and garbage, maybe something will jar loose whatever is stuck in my brain and is jamming up all the quality.
01/25/2005 Litcube (4): 3 1/2 rounded up. Dude, there's some pretty funny moments in here, but as a whole... as a whole, I shake my head at you. I think as a shorter, more direct compact package, this short would have fared better. Yahzick will have to beat you with larger books to dislodge this blockage in your awesome canal that’s blocking all the raw awesomeness that you usually spew (from your awesome-hole). Anyway, is this the short that has something to do with my “Hello... My name is giggles don’t fuck with me” shirt?
01/25/2005 anonymous: Also, the one that has to do with fear of rejection, and Nya!
01/25/2005 Litcube: Answer me, you fucking balloon knot!
01/25/2005 anonymous: "Yes it is that one," I gayed.
01/26/2005 scoop (2):
01/28/2005 John Slocum (3): mushroomed. 2.5, enjoyed that whole paragraph, for the most part.