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This short is not to be doubted. It is a transcription of Truth as revealed to the pure-hearted. It is a method of living. It is, in fact, life itself. He who doubts this short is like the old desert ram, who, being sun-blinded, walks off the cliff's edge and falls to the rocks below.

Lo, friend ram, why plummeteth ye to the craggy stones? (Asshole.)

Those who count themselves among this short's nonbelievers, naysayers and nary-a-ones are like the type of jerk who's always saying, "Prove it!" to everything. These are blighted souls who are being punished by God for their suspicious characters. (Never mind that He himself imbued them with this flaw at the moment of conception, for in His measureless wisdom He instillethed it only in those who had it coming.)

They seek only to deceive with their wickedness and wanton iniquity, these workers of evil. They would have you doubt this short, discard it, then pick it up and use it themselves, as it is redeemable for a 10-ounce Lillehammer Winter Olympics mug at a number of local filling stations. It also makes a terrific collector's item, this short. It is a negotiable security, pinhead.

All right, the next fucking guy who doubts this short? I'm going to punch his fat fucking face in.

Date Written: January 19, 2005
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 3.54545

01/26/2005 Phony Millions (3): I love being 6 hours ahead of all you suckers. This mixing of tone thing...; well, it groweth old for me.
01/26/2005 Will Disney: brad, brad, brad, did you see our tournament? pretty good, huh?
01/26/2005 John Slocum: are we simply to take a 'leap of faith,' author? Why would one do that when one is being called 'asshole?' Seems unreasonable to this guy.
01/26/2005 anonymous: Are you doubting this short? Only those who doubt this short are like that asshole ram.
01/26/2005 Mr. Pony: I know this is supposed to be a showcase for lazy reasoning (see paragraph three, etc.) but something about this actually feels lazy. That's a no-no. Also, the tone thing.
01/26/2005 anonymous: This short is a rip-off of the next one in the queue.
01/26/2005 John Slocum (2):
01/26/2005 anonymous: Mr. Pony: I don't know what you're talking about.
01/26/2005 qualcomm (4): yeah, what the hell are you talking about, pony? this one's good.
01/26/2005 Mr. Pony: How so?
01/26/2005 Phony Millions: Will, I tried to stay up for the tournament but crashed - it was 3:30 AM here on the continent with the frogs when you all began. C'est la vie!...La prochaine fois.
01/26/2005 qualcomm: don't answer my questions with questions, you fucking ungulate.
01/26/2005 Jon Matza (5): 4.27 + .42 corrective, rounded up. I laughed throughout the 1st 1/2. Vuarnets turns of phrase included 'nary-a-ones', 'Lo, friend ram', 'instillethed'...plus the conceit was Jibley. Looks like I'm the most pure hearted voter!
01/26/2005 Mr. Pony: Okay, you fucking publicly traded fucking telecommunications company. I feel there's not enough here for me to fully get where the narrator is coming from. Is the guy dangerous; does he want to convince me, or is he more concerned with setting up free mug jokes? What's his motivation?
01/26/2005 Ewan Snow (4): Aw, cram it, Pony.
01/26/2005 Mr. Pony: qualcomm, will you answer my question now?
01/26/2005 qualcomm: i think part of the charm is the lack of a concrete explanation here. the overarching joke of the narrator not wanting you to doubt this short, when the entire content of the short is that it's not to be doubted is a funny little moebius strip, if you ask me. as for it being "lazy," if you look at our mission statement, acme shorts is the culmination of years of laziness. i mean, of course you could say, 'oh, he's just making free mug jokes.' that is a cunty critique, though. oh, dick vomit's just making overeating and pooping jokes. oh, maniacs is just making japanese jokes (is there anything older than those?). your critique of laziness sounds suspiciously like an endorsement of more writerly shorts. as we discussed with scoop last week, those are fine, but dashed-off ones are legit, too. by the way, this short is making fun of islam, too.
01/26/2005 The Rid (5): I echo qc's sentiment, except to add a star, cuz this one's GREAT. Assholes.
01/26/2005 qualcomm: as for brad's critique, to me, this thing isn't just some showcase of mixed tone. it happens to use a mixed tone, but there's more to it than that. and can anyone explain to me how mixed tones are less legitimate than unmixed ones? because i don't think mixing tones is (necessarily) some limited, gimmicky schtick; i think it's an indefinitely sustainable mode of writing.
01/26/2005 The Rid: QC: Affirm/Agree.
01/26/2005 Mr. Pony: I see what you're saying, and I agree that the "all-but-bullet-pointed-list-of-jokes" shorts are less likely to make me laugh than something with the same gags set in a context (although that is by no means a rule). "Legit" has little to do with it. As you are well aware, I think everything is "legit". I think your criticism of my cunty critique is in and of itself cunty, by the way. First of all, I don't start all my sentences with "oh". Second, I wasn't saying that the mug joke was old, just that it was out of context and off-tone enough to make me sit up and notice the author waving at me. Hello, Author! That's fine. Sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it's not.
As for the mixed tone, I agree that it might be a sustainable form of writing, but wouldn't you agree that most of the time it is used as a device, for the same effect? I'm stuffy I'm stuffy I'm stuffy I'm STREET!
I realize that this style is a national style, and criticizing it is inherently unpopular (and maybe counter-productive), but I had thoughts, said them, and explained them. Oh, look at me. Look at how bold I am.
01/26/2005 qualcomm: i don't think this falls into the category of an all-but-bulleted list of jokes. as i noted before, the moebius scaffolding and islam-baiting lend it plenty of what slocum might call "structure and fruit." by the way, are you saying that this short's tone mix is stuffy/street? i wouldn't agree with that.
01/26/2005 Mr. Pony: Ahh, you're probably right.
01/26/2005 The Rid: Matza: I, too, consider myself of pure heart.
01/26/2005 TheBuyer (4): Look, I'm not pure of anything but silliness, I just don't want to get my fat fucking face punched in.
01/26/2005 The Rid: Buyer: Yeah, I said I was pure of heart, but mostly I don't wanna have my fat fucking face punched in, either.
01/26/2005 The Rid: What about the next GIRL who doubts this short? Does she get her fat fucking face punched in? Or something else?
01/26/2005 anonymous: Such a wicked cow would be forced to read Apocalypse Brown in its entirety.
01/26/2005 The Rid: Whew! Jawbreaker, you'd better not doubt this short!
01/26/2005 The Rid: Not that you have a fat fucking face. Oy.
01/26/2005 Jawbreaker (4): Obviosuly by my vote, RID, I do not doubt this short. For the record I DO NOT have a fat fucking face!
01/26/2005 The Rid: I dunno, Jawbreaker. I've heard things about your face.
01/26/2005 Jawbreaker: I heard that you had a small penis and that you were an asshole. But you know, it could be word of mouth.
01/26/2005 The Rid: Okay. I'm officially disappointed with you.
01/26/2005 Jawbreaker: Oh Rid... You probably have the largest penis I have ever seen. Sorry for the rude comment.
01/27/2005 Dark Pony: Hey, you jerks--Arguments like this don't belong here. Take them to the message board, where they won't crap up the short that somebody worked so hard on. I mean, come on.
01/27/2005 Dark Pony (2):
01/27/2005 The Rid: Dark Pony: Fuck you.
01/27/2005 Dark Pony: I'll kill you and eat you.
01/27/2005 The Rid: Well, that's different then.
01/27/2005 The Rid: Wait! No, it isn't. Fuck you! Quit crapping up this short, alter ego.
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony: Cut that out!
01/27/2005 Mr. Negative: Rid, Jawbreaker says "Oh Rid... You probably have the largest penis I have ever seen." That doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement for your johnson.
01/28/2005 James K. Polk (1): corrective. and i don't like it much
01/28/2005 Mr. Pony: I serve at the pleasure of the President of the United States of America.
01/28/2005 anonymous: So go service/pleasure him already.
01/28/2005 Mr. Pony: You misunderstand.
02/1/2005 Mr. Negative (5): You know, goddamnit, I look at James K. Polk's vindictive 1-star vote and I just get pissed off. That fucking gay "You published a previously published short" argument bled over into this short via revenge voting and blew the cumulative average. This short deserves better than it's received thus far. Way to go, assholes. Corrective five.
02/1/2005 Mr. Pony: Wait, didn't you already vote, Mr. Negative?
02/1/2005 Mr. Negative: I commented but didn't vote. Check it.
02/1/2005 qualcomm: it's okay, mister negative. disney told me would negate ewan/polk's double-vote when the argument "blows over" (read: "when ewan's not looking, because i'm scared").
02/1/2005 Mr. Pony: My mistake!
02/1/2005 Mr. Negative: Dude, that whole argument you guys had was gay. You made your points by the third post and kept pissing on each other like those dopes from the author page this morning (you know, the guys who peed in a bucket). Aren't you guys friends? Won't a good cock-punch and a beer settle this? What the fuck?
03/14/2005 Will Disney: not crazy about this one!
07/1/2005 scoop (4): Hey, that second lonesome graf is most righteous. That Lillihammer line is most lame. Love the idea. Inconsistent execution, vis a vis...
09/2/2005 qualcomm: disney!! ewan voted twice on this short! punish him! (and remove the erroneous vote). thank you.
09/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Give him a break, qualcomm; he did it by accident, and everyone makes mistakes, even Snow. There's no need to rub his nose in it. Besides, do you want Disney to also remove The Rid's double vote?
09/2/2005 qualcomm: yes. removing both will still increase the short's average.
09/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Heh.