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This is a five star short and Iíll tell you why: it dispenses with the customary fourth wall, the artifice that divides author from reader; in a bold paradigm-grope it addresses you directly. And donít you deserve it? I mean, enough games. Seriously. Seriously. This is a short-in-the-round and audience participation is not just encouraged, itís required. So, readers, welcome in to this short, make yourselves at home. Dylan, how about a glass of Scotch? Qualcomm, donít be upset if this is a rip off of one of yours. Ewan, you stuffy cunt, let down your hair and enjoy this short. Matza, go ahead, post an anonymous comment, I wonít mind. Evans, this short could use a soundtrack, do you know any Liberace? Slocum, I encourage you to pair this short with braised lamb. Benny, welcome back. Disney, FU! Mr. Pony, feel free to draft a picture of how this short makes you feel. The Buyer, um, something about hockey and Mounties.
But this short isnít just a gimmick, thatís whatís truly great about it. It also has a lot of heart, for instance, it tells the story of Jack, a guy whoís just dying for a little affection. He sits quietly in his office (heís a private dick) and waits for a leggy blonde to walk through his door. But she never comes and so he feels this shrinking feeling in his groin as a certain quiet sadness overwhelms him. And it also has a part that discusses the texture of a fresh, soft, warm turd, as it splats on the sidewalk, steaming off the canine heat that so recently harbored it. And here, in this very sentence, there is mention of gay anal sex, with its man passion on full display as hairy hips slap against hairy ass and the rigid rod of manhood disappears into.... Note the castration imagery evoked during this description of penetration. Thereís an old creepy house on a hill out of a gothic novel in this short and a village idiot from the middle ages; thereís a futuristic despot commanding his followers toward a galactic battle, and a quiet school girl episode of embarrassment and self-doubt; there are no topical references in this short, thank God, but thereís a first person bit where the narrator is self-congratulatory even though we all know heís a jackass; here it comes: Iíve known a lot of great vulvas in my time, and take it from me, theyíre each as unique as a fingerprint Ė and twice as sexy!
I donít really know. Maybe this isnít working. Iím going to go back and revise it. Maybe this is too ďtrickyĒ. But you see, at least Iím being honest with you, at least Iím inviting you in to the process instead of putting on an exhibit behind bulletproof glass. Keep in mind, representation is not just a presentation done twice. This is your short. You own it. You ask who wrote it? We all did. We all wrote this short, and thatís why itís so special. Good night, and God bless Acme Shorts.
Date Written: January 19, 2005Comments:
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 4.35
01/26/2005 Stomach Foot: author, can i touch this short? or will alarms go off?
01/26/2005 Stomach Foot: (Stomach Foot here.)
01/26/2005 Jon Matza (5): hydrox; gluten. No mention of scoop=it's by him?
01/26/2005 anonymous: Thi short is public property, Stomach Foot. All are welcome!
01/26/2005 anonymous: This
01/26/2005 Stomach Foot (4):
01/26/2005 The Rid: Is there a guest version of this short, Author?
01/26/2005 anonymous: This short is for all members of the Acme community, guests and authors alike. Don't be discouraged if your name isn't mentioned. Your spirit is alive within the text!
01/26/2005 The Rid (5): In that case!
01/26/2005 Dylan Danko (5): Scotch?? Hmm...don't mind if I do. Doop-di-doo.
01/26/2005 Will Disney: f me? f you!
01/26/2005 anonymous: Enjoy, Dylan. Thanks, Disney, you're really getting in to the spirit of this!
01/26/2005 Mr. Pony: I really like the sappy tone at the end. You can almost hear the hate!
01/26/2005 Dylan Danko: Perfect timing I may add, as I'm prohibited from drinking before 3:00. It's a rule I made for myself. Yeah.
01/26/2005 Mr. Pony: 3:00 am?
01/26/2005 Benny Maniacs (3): I can't believe you guys are buying this. Postmodern suckers.
01/26/2005 qualcomm: i can't believe you helped write it, maniacs, given your attitude.
01/26/2005 anonymous: Great feedback, Benny. Thanks for making this short as great as it is. But remember, it's not just a postmodern gimmick, it also has a lot of heart!
01/26/2005 Mr. Pony:
01/26/2005 anonymous: Wonderful, Pony! This short makes you feel like a post-coital robot. Good for you!
01/26/2005 Dylan Danko: Benny Maniacs, it behooves you to abide by the guiding principles of the day, today, National Compliment Day
01/26/2005 anonymous: Matza here. FU, Disney.
01/26/2005 anonymous: Man, this feels guuuuuuud
01/26/2005 Mr. Pony: That's why I stopped being so nasty this morning! I think every day should be National Compliment Day.
01/26/2005 Mr. Pony: Matza, I can't believe you ruined your perfect record!
01/26/2005 Ewan Snow (5): in to
01/26/2005 Dylan Danko: Pony, I find your asiatic features particularly fetching today. I would also like to compliment you, pre hoc, on your skill in tonights visual round.
01/26/2005 Jon Matza: Sorry, Pony. But it sure felt good to let my imagination run wild -- if for only a moment!
01/26/2005 Mr. Pony (5): I can certainly understand that! Bee Tee Doubleyou, Benny, I think this is actually Post-Postmodernist.
01/26/2005 Jon Matza: Author: from the bottom of my heart, thanks for giving me the chance to let my imagination (creativity) run free!
01/26/2005 anonymous: Don't thank me, brother. Thank yourself! I just hold up a mirror; you're the one with the pretty face.
01/26/2005 qualcomm: thanks for letting me participate in this gimmicky happening, author! i love empty, heartless tricks like this!
01/26/2005 anonymous: Hold on, partner. This short also includes a part that discusses the texture of a fresh, soft, warm turd, as it splats on the sidewalk, steaming off the canine heat that so recently harbored it. You call that heartless? Okay, feel free. You wrote it, after all!
01/26/2005 qualcomm: i just love taking part in happenings like this. craig lewis and i used to go to flash mobs back in '03. this is just like that, only more fun, because it's not as complex and rife with meaning!
01/26/2005 Jon Matza: Stealing Danko's joke, qc? Have a little self-respect!
01/26/2005 qualcomm: i was referencing it, you ninny. hence, the inclusion of lewis.
01/26/2005 Jon Matza: S'alright, guy - you've been working hard out there today. Have an orange slice!
01/26/2005 qualcomm: and actually, it was lewis who first made the joke. you don't know your history.
01/26/2005 Jon Matza: Have some Gatorgum, 'bre.
01/26/2005 qualcomm: guh
01/26/2005 Jon Matza: Bro, you want to my powder blue headband just say so, no need to go sick on me.
01/26/2005 Jon Matza: ...borrow...
01/26/2005 Roland Gift: no, YOU calm down, you angry little man!
01/26/2005 Dylan Danko: Or my Fragonard embossed compact?
01/26/2005 TheBuyer (5): sure, I'm in. Turd, warmth, mounties, all that, ya.
01/26/2005 Phony Millions (3): You bunch of glib motherfuckers!
01/26/2005 anonymous: So, Brad, is that a "no" on the Liberace? That's cool, it's all part of this short. Thank you for writing it.
01/27/2005 Dark Pony: Among others, you left scoop out. Whyzzat?
01/27/2005 John Slocum (4): This is some of the best work I've done. Braised lamb? No-medium/rare rack of lamb more like. Nice n' bloody, juicy.
01/27/2005 Ewan Snow: In order to trick people into thinking he wrote it. Notice I also spelt "into" as "in to". My idea originally was to make it seem like anybody could have written it, but that ran out of steam, so I decided to sort of frame scoop. It sort of worked on Matza at least! Did I leave out any other current authors?
01/27/2005 John Slocum: hey, guy: you might have fooled matza, but this guy saw right through the deception to the ballet-like agility of snow, the leotard and be-tutued prose danced with poise and elegance. I'm not saying you're gay or dress like a woman or anything, just that you can marshal dextrous prose that is both dense AND easy to read, you make it difficult AND simple for the reader(have you ever worn a nurse's outfit?). Kidding, nice work.
03/11/2009 qualcomm (4.5): -1/2 star for the unsnowish capitalization of god. maybe it's because we all wrote this.