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A dense and wild forest stretched between the placid green harbor and the crest of the rocky ridge. A tiny cottage stood halfway up the slope, lost within the thick tangle of brush and vines. Nobody in the harbor knew it existed, for few had bothered to venture into the thick and overgrown woods at all.
Though the sun was high in the sky, the forest shaded the cottage, so Rachael read by dim candlelight. Soot and the greasy thumbs of thirty generations darkened the page. But from beneath the grime an obscure picture emerged: an etching of that very shore and the ridge above. The gentle slope in the picture, however, revealed an altogether different scene. A battalion of soldiers marched from the west as tall ships sailed into the harbor. An Indian chief on horseback watched from the ridge, just above the position where the cottage now stood.
Rachael bent her heavy head into her lap and squeezed the book against her breast. Then she farted. A brown, olidous cloud collected in the folds of her skirt, then wafted toward the rafters and seeped out the cracks in the cottage roof. It drifted down toward the harbor, caught up in a chinook, and settled among the little thatched huts of the town, here pressing against a dirty window, there mingling with the stray dogs as they trotted past the fishmonger.
Rachael turned the page to find a smudged portrait of the noble savage, mounted on his steed, witness to the whiteface invasion below.
A brown cloud hovered before him. Some things never change.
Date Written: January 20, 2005Comments:
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 4.375
01/27/2005 qualcomm (4): olidous. Having a strong, disagreeable smell; fetid. o-l-i-d-o-u-s. olidous.
01/27/2005 Ewan Snow (5): complex yet stupid
01/27/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (5): Indeed.
01/27/2005 Phony Millions (4): Indeed indeed.
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony (4): v+
01/27/2005 anonymous: Pony, I saw your comment on the User Feedback page and assumed "v" was a Roman numeral, indicating that you were giving this a 5+. Boy was I slightly disappointed!
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony: I was pretty sure that v was a checkmark. Probably got reverted by the same character restriction that also accidentally prevents qualcomm from posting as Mr. P?ny. See, qualcomm? It affects all of us.
01/27/2005 anonymous: :(
01/27/2005 qualcomm: shut up, you dolt. disney's cheating for your and his benefit (or, perhaps, simply for my detriment). e.g., i posted an insulting comment directed at you under my fake disney name today, and he refused to approve the comment. he's the lowest scoundrel, and you're his tucker carlson. i'm going to quit if he doesn't start administering with a more even hand.
01/27/2005 qualcomm: (you are also his armstrong williams)
01/27/2005 The Rid: Abstain.
01/27/2005 Phony Millions: Pony, Qualcomm just called you a 'dolt'. Pony?
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony: That don't matter none, Evans. QC, you'll never know just how much you owe Disney. Without revealing too much, let's just say a couple of months ago, he single-handedly foiled a plot by two authors (including me, maybe) and one guest to exploit a hole in the system to, well, shall we say, make you look right foolish indeed. Again, I don't want to reveal too much, but Disney pulled your fat outta the fire that day, and I'm betting (based on the looks of things) he never said a word to you about it. Man, you woulda looked like a real dummy for a long time coming. I'm sayin' too much, but there'da been proverbial egg on your proverbial face, that's for sure. But Disney wasn't havin' none of it. He stopped us dead, right in our tracks, not even a "how'dya do" or a "hold it right there". That's the kind of guy Disney is--Quiet, strong; doin' his best to do right by folks. Fair is fair; that's Disney's credo. Sometimes he calls me up on the telephone to say it: "Fair is fair." He hangs up, then, disappearin' again into the World-Wide Internet. Sure, QC; I may be a dolt, but I can spot a hero when I see one.
01/27/2005 Phony Millions: That comment of Pony's needs a fucking soundtrack...Tremendous touche!
01/27/2005 Litcube (5): Excellent work.
01/27/2005 The Rid: I want to give Pony's comment 5 stars.
01/27/2005 qualcomm: boy, am i glad disney pulled my fat out of the fire! phew! whatever would i have done had i been made to look foolish? man, i really owe him. of course, despite whatever nefarious method you were planning to use, whatever hole it was you intended to exploit, you would have come out smelling like a rose -- after all, you are a blameless child-savant who draws pictures to make the world sing. in fact, this admission of your prior intention to subvert the acme webitecture will slide off you like mercury off a robot's back. what i'm saying is, i'm onto you. i know you keep a hideous, moldering portrait of your soul locked safely away somewhere in your tool room.
01/27/2005 John Slocum (4): very well written, I was riveted, but I want to know more (which has nothing to do with my vote).
01/27/2005 John Slocum: very well written, I was riveted, but I want to know more (which has nothing to do with my vote).
01/27/2005 anonymous: Go ahead and ask, Slocum. I am more or less all ears.
01/27/2005 Jon Matza: The nefarious plot Pony speaks of was peanuts compared to the plan I nearly executed -- only to be foiled by Disney at the last moment -- to make Maniacs look like a presumptuous malefactor!
01/27/2005 Mr. Pony: la la la
01/27/2005 John Slocum: who is this woman? Sorry, I might not get the answer until later, as the dining room is filling with wine drinkers.
01/27/2005 anonymous: of which Pony speaks
01/27/2005 Jon Matza (4): Some nutrient-filled tuber writing here. That was a whale of a fart Rachael laid.
01/27/2005 John Slocum: WHO IS THIS WOMAN!
01/28/2005 John Slocum: A fine day for Snow-dawg.
01/28/2005 qualcomm: if my calculations are correct, tomorrow will be another snow day. he's going to corner the frozen orange juice market.
01/28/2005 John Slocum: Snow - OJ?
01/28/2005 TheBuyer (5): Four plus one rounded up for various reasons. ya, ya, sue me.