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“I imagine a world full of hope, where pessimism is banished to heathen outposts, stripped bare and lashed with a hickory switch,” declared Regional Roberts, Kentucky ass-licking champ of 1996. His tongue (shitscape) uttered his words of wisdom to a throng of the clinically retarded.

“Mr. Roberts, Mr. Roberts!” called out a spry young whippersnapper, wearing flax britches and a hair shirt. “Can’t God make that happen?”

Regional smacked his lips, spraying fecal particles in a fine mist over the audience and filling their gaping mouths with said poop. “Don’t fuck with God, kid. Some day you’ll learn that the hard way. Until then, leave that fucker to me.”

The questions got tougher from there. “Isn’t hope something we can each nurture inside our own hearts?” asked an honest rapist who wanted to raise awareness in the community.

“No,” said Regional, but he wasn’t really paying attention. He was thinking about the Big Ass Lick-Off in New Orleans next Tuesday and how much shit he’d have to swallow to bring home the Langue de Merde.

Date Written: February 26, 2003
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 4.75

02/26/2003 anonymous (4):
02/26/2003 anonymous (5):
02/14/2004 Ewan Snow: Hey everybody, look at this one!
02/15/2004 Phony Millions (5): I had missed this - classic Snow. Full of hilarious detail - my favorite is 'honest rapist'.
09/18/2004 John Slocum (5): Masterful, well balanced.
03/31/2012 qualcomm: Who's in charge of Acme's SEO, when we're not even the top result for "regional roberts"?